


Unhappy

by upside_down_circles



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Blood and Gore, Bonding, Bruises, Burns, Depression, Drug Dealer, Drug Use, Dudes Being Bros, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Family Issues, Finished, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No cartman but its plot related, Partying, Recovery, Rehabilitation, Relapse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shelly is a kpop stan, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, South park but more realistic, Suicidal Thoughts, Tension, Therapy, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Smoking, alcoholic parent, bros being bros, not sure if half the stuff I wrote is a thing but theyve been written, pimps, rationalizing bad shit, self injury, therapists both do and dont talk like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:49:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 44,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23105761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upside_down_circles/pseuds/upside_down_circles
Summary: "But why would your mom have a problem with you drinking when she wasn't with Shelly at your age?""Jesus Christ just shut the fuck up Kyle, it's not like you're getting graded on my life details"Cartman is finally somewhat out of the guys’ lives, Kyle, Kenny, and Stan had remained friends all through school and there are social events to no endBut through these seemingly happy times, one thing is still bugging Stan: he’s still unhappy.And one-week spins what was for so long into a different direction.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Craig Tucker, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 20
Kudos: 94





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is heavily based on the characters and how they behave in cannon. Therefore we end up with situations where things arent handled as they should, stereotyped or downplayed. If you experience any of the depicted I advise you reach out for help. This story is not a guide on how to handle your issues as treatment work on a person to person basis.
> 
> So basically yes I cringe at some of this but it's as in character as I could make it. This first chapter starts as the normal beginning of what later in the chapter turns dark. If you are triggered by basically any theme depicted in the actual tv show then proceed with caution I will not be naming warnings pr chapter.

Stan Marsh walks down the school hall, beside him is his super best friend Kyle. As they walk another one of their friends, Kenny joins them in walking. Kyle is currently explaining a boss in a video game that Stan has yet to get to. Though he does not feel like playing the game in entirety. Stan only really plays the game consistently to keep up with Kyle.  
Stan plays every time he gets home just to do so and stays in his room. But only if he doesn’t have to hang out with any of the guys of course.  
Kenny shifts the topic of their conversation, getting in his daily quota of sex talk. 

Oh, not this again Stan thought. He hated talking about his love and sex life. He hadn’t had a girlfriend since dating Wendy and that ended back when they were 12. Now they were 16. And he didn’t like being reminded of that fact.  
In reality, Stan hadn’t actually tried to get with anyone ever since. He blamed being uninterested or busy, but the other boys knew that wasn’t true. They had just learned to not push it anymore though they still occasionally still made jokes.

“Why are so many girls into choking but scared of a little bondage?” Kenny asked, directing his grin towards Stan. He spoke the way he always had and how he might never stray from. He was wearing an old hoodie most likely passed down from his older brother.He had stopped wearing his orange parka after his growth spurt that made it absolutely impossible to fit in. Now he just wore whatever was around and let his messy (most likely unwashed) blonde hair free whenever he felt like it.  


“How would I know?” Stan sighed. It could’ve been seen as a sigh of defeat in the fact that he wanted some but in reality, Stan didn’t want any of that. Right now, he just wanted his friends’ company.  


Kenny chuckled and continued his speech about masturbation that was oddly more appropriate now than when they were 8 or even 10. But both Kyle and Stan could have sworn he’d been sex-crazed since preschool.  
The class went as usual with Stan not paying much attention but copying down a few notes he could reference for the homework, so he didn’t get in trouble for not doing it.  
Later at lunch, the three guys sat together. Stan wasn’t sure they ever really had a group back in 4th grade but they had most definitely split up now. The other guys did talk to them, but they never really ate lunch together anymore.

“Dude it still feels weird not to have Cartman around” Kyle commented.

“Mhm,” Kenny responded muffled by the food in his mouth.

Stan waved to another table a bit further away, Craig waved back. He and Stan hung out at times; Stan liked how little bullshit came out of his mouth. How his silence didn't feel like he'd done anything wrong, because that's how Craig was.  
“Huh, who are you waving at?” Kyle asked curiously.

“Craig” Stan responded then looking at his redhead friend but quickly looking away again.

“oh” it came from Kyle.

Clyde trotted over to their table followed by Token. They were both carrying their lunch.  
“Is it true that Cartman finally got prosecuted?” Token asked.

“Yeah, that fatass isn’t getting out any time soon” Kyle responded with a frustrated pout.

“Finally,” Clyde added as he and Token walked over to join Craig at his table. 

After a while of eating as to which Stan didn’t touch much off, shrugged off as bad cafeteria food Kenny started talking about an apparent party happening the upcoming Friday. One thing was sure with Kenny: you’d see him at any party.  
“Are you going too, Stan?” Kyle asked, not having gotten many conversations out of his best friend all day.

“Depends, are you wearing your hat?” Stan teased through his heavy eyes.

“Dude, no stop loving my hair so much it’s getting creepy.” Kyle laughed. And yes, he did laugh and smile, but it hit Stan right in the heart. He ground his teeth at his reaction.  
“Yeah, I’m totally going dude” Stan figuratively held his heart in his hands as he smiled to reassure his answer.

“sick!” Kyle and Kenny high-fived.  
“I’m totally getting hammered” Stan leaned back letting his heavy body take the toll.  
“Wouldn’t be a real party if you didn’t” Kenny added. 

The “yes” didn’t come as much of a surprise for the other boys, Stan always said yes to a reason to get blackout drunk. He liked drinking just maybe a little too much. It didn’t bother him much but drinking with others was much preferable from drinking on your own. Stan thought about drinking alone, he did that a lot too. It wasn’t like there was a party every night in south park and attending school was a good way to avoid unnecessary attention unless of course, you had a hangover.  
But hangovers could be fixed with alcohol and alcohol it was. That was what his money was spent on was basically: alcohol and whatever Kyle was obsessed with at the moment. Which currently was that one video game, he even told him he’d had it but never started playing the old game Kyle was interested in. But that wasn’t true, he’d bought it off steam that same afternoon.

Stan really liked hanging out with Kyle and saw no problem in using his money on things like that. The only problem was matching up details of whatever else he was using the money he got for.  
They spend most of the rest of the period asking if people were attending said party. The good kids said no, they weren’t legally allowed to drink, and their parents wouldn’t let them. Not many youngsters cared about that in south park.  
In the hall at the end of the next period Shelly, Stan’s sister pulled him aside. Kyle and Kenny noticed this and stood where they were waiting for him. Shelly and Stan had grown a bit closer since they were little, she was 18 now and quite a bit less violent with him. The teasing and name-calling still slipped once in a while.

“You’re going to that party on Friday?” she questioned, skipping the small talk.  
“Yeah what is it to you?” Stan crossed his arms.  
“I just want to make sure you know not to drink anything” she spoke in a somewhat hushed voice.  
“God damn it what I do is my choice, why do you need to get involved?!” Stan raised his voice in annoyance, attracting the attention of a few people in the hall.  
“Because you’re not supposed to drink, Twat!” She yelled not caring about privacy anymore. She stomped away and met one of her friends that she shook her head at. Stan groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose before returning to the boys.

“What was that?” Kyle questioned.  
“Nothing just my mom can’t find out I’m drinking” Stan sighed.  
“sure, thing dude” Kyle decided not to pry but something definitely wasn’t adding up about that statement. 

It was the day of the party and Stan was in his room. Shelly was at a sleepover; his mother was out with her friends and his father didn’t live with them anymore.  
Stan rested in the windowsill of his room, taking a puff of his cigarette and looking out the open window. He didn’t wear a shirt at this time as not show up smelling like smoke, that was for getting home. Truthfully he had no idea what would make him smell like smoke, but better safe than sorry. He put out the bud on the side of his house, flickers of tobacco falling off the bricks and looked at the clock. He wanted to get going already but Kyle was going to pick him up and that was a while from now. Kyle seemed like the type of person that would come to any event absurdly early and he was just not with events like these. Stan never asked him why.

He placed the rest of his cigarettes on his nightstand. He wanted a drink right about now but also found it pathetic to show up already tipsy.  
He sat on his bed and sighed then picking up the lighter on his table. He flicked it on and watched the flame dance for a while. Then he held his arm above it. There was only one real place he could do such thing on his arm as not to burn off the dark hairs he had. He found it'd probably be too suspicious. He lowered his arm a little, just feeling the burning air above the flame. It was hotter now, but he didn’t move his arm. He decided against leaving such a visual scar, for now, the guys had seen him just hours prior so explaining it would be too much of a bother.

So, he moved to the bathroom. He very much liked having the house to himself, nobody to tiptoe around and feel nervous that he slip up with. His legs were shaking and his breathing irregular, he was impatient.  
He removed his pants and sat on the toilet lid.  


He let a hand brush over the scratches on his thighs. Some of them were rips of skin others had scalped and dried blood. Looking at them made him restless and frustrated. He ran his jagged nails over them, ripping a few open. He did it in quick swift movements just ripping over his skin, maybe even just leaving red marks. He felt it was thin as paper, but softer getting at it stuck under his rough fingernails. Maybe he should’ve washed his hands before doing it as to avoid infection, no infection would just make it hurt more, longer. That didn’t sound as bad as it should.  
Stan breathed deeply before observing the small pecks of blood emitting from the pokes of flesh. Then slowly drying it off with some toilet paper. He breathed again this time slower. There wasn’t much going through his mind and that was part of the problem.  
He never really knew how to act or be at parties, he never really remembered what he did afterward anyways. Running straight to the alcohol just made sense but right here he didn’t have anything to drink. He would try to stay sober for longer today, maybe even talk to Kyle.  
When the wounds had dried, he put on his pants again. It stung but it could remind him, remind him to be sober for just a bit longer. Though he didn’t expect to come home tonight and if he did, he’d be blackout drunk.  
The evidence of his trouble had to be flushed now.

Moving back to his room he sighed. Next, he just laid on his bed feeling the pressure in his stomach and staring at the ceiling.  
After a while, he could see it was close to being time to go.  
He quickly did his hair and put on a shirt. There wasn't much else to do. He had stopped wearing his puffball hat a while ago but still had it laying in plain view. He thought about passing it down. Then reminded himself he'd probably never have kids. He didn't know if he even wanted to, probably didn't need to think about it at the age of 16.  
He rubbed his legs together and felt the rush of adrenaline the wounds created, that would definitely last. He longed for the second kind of burn he would experience that night, feeling the eventual liquor that would run down his throat. He touched his neck as his thoughts remained.  
The doorbell rang and shook Stan out of his thoughts. Before leaving he put the cigarette pack in his pocket. He just had to be careful not to let Kyle see.


	2. As long as it lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night begins

Kyle and Stan entered through the front door of the house. From the outside, they’d already heard the blaring of techno music and excited screaming. As soon as they entered, they were met with an already occurring party on full blast. Red cups scattered everywhere, deafly loud music and the smell of human sweat.

And then of course also Kenny.  
“WOOOH” he screamed over the music as he limped towards his friends. He dragged lower body, splitting legs and moved ungracefully.

“Are you okay Kenny?” Stan asked currently fighting the urge he was getting from the smell of booze sharply hitting his nostrils.

Kenny stared at them in confusion. He scratched his disheveled hair and rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie sleeves. He seemed to have been sweating a lot though he was known to let loose on the dance floor. Kyle and Kenny were quite opposite with time management, while Kyle made sure to come on time to important events and let loose with parties, Kenny was the exact opposite. Therefore the two boys had no sense of how long it had been since Kenny’s arrival.

“YOU’RE LIMPING?” Kyle yelled guessing he was unable to hear them.

“DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOU?” he continued.

Kenny pondered his answer for a bit, settling on a “Nope!” with a big bright smile and then disappearing into another room.

“What was that?” Kyle exclaimed to Stan. Stan shrugged. It wasn’t very unusual behavior for Kenny.

Walking around the room they were greeted by a few recognizable people and got a feel of the layout of the house. There were two stories but the second was quite smaller and less occupied. 

Kyle had expected Stan to run off getting drinks as soon as they entered but he hadn’t done that and now Kyle had his super best friend super best glued to him. It wasn’t that Kyle minded the gesture, but it wasn’t quite what he or anyone who knew him really would have predicted. His black-haired friend looked particularly on edge and he was just unsure of what to do.

After about 10 minutes Stan’s shoulders had relaxed a bit but he still stayed by the walls. Until he saw a familiar figure. He practically dragged Kyle towards them.

“Hey Craig!” he exclaimed in relief. Maybe he didn’t solely have to rely on Kyle's presence tonight.   
“Hey” He spun around and met Stans gaze directly. Kyle waved; he didn’t really know Craig that well.  
“Are you not drunk?” Craig asked skeptically. Stan stared at the red cup his hands then quickly averted his gaze away. He swallowed and rubbed his neck.  
“Not drunk” He assured. Kyle stared at him intently which only made the boy more nervous.  
“That’s new” Craig shrugged. 

Stan followed him to a small gathering of people who were chatting in the other room. He jumped on a table while the redhead stood beside him. Stan gazed up at him. He noticed the red curls that had escaped the safety of his ushanka. Kyle then made eye contact with Stan expecting him to want something. Stan quickly moved his gaze in embarrassment. He remembered the incident at lunch. He roughly rubbed his legs together. It hurt. He winced looking down.

“Want a drink or something?” Craig offered them. Stan was about to answer but Kyle cut him off.  
“Nothing, thanks” Kyle smiled reassuringly at Stan. Stan found himself grateful his friend had said turned down the offer for him.

He chatted with a couple of people for a while after that but increasingly felt the urge to start drinking. The problem he was facing was knowing he couldn’t just have one when he started, he couldn’t stop.   
He stated he was going to walk around for a bit and he wandered the grounds. Stepping into what he presumed was the living room, he observed his surroundings. The sofa was stained and filled with teenagers. He was unsure if it was just tilting to begin with or they’d broken it though he wasted little energy on the thought as he had no idea who’s house it even was. Walking past it he was met with a couple almost bumping into him as they groped and kissed each other intensely. He quickly moved past them; he wasn’t sure how they felt comfortable doing that in public space but then again, he usually paid no mind to those things.

He guided his way past a few other people down in the basement of the house, he ducked getting in. He was considered tall but not awkwardly tall like Craig. In the corner, he saw yet another pair making out but this time he recognized both the people involved. It was, of course, Kenny with his tongue deep down another blonde’s throat: Bebe. Stan sighed, Bebe wasn’t usually one to do that kind of thing meaning she probably liked him. Which most likely wouldn’t work out since good old Kenny McCormick was a bit of a McWhoremick. "McWhoremick" a nickname the large majority of their friends knew of but rarely used and honestly gave him a bit of a bad taste in his mouth even if its meaning might be true.

Now slut-shaming his friend wasn’t anything Stan wanted to do but Kenny never promised a relationship with anyone and if he ever did, it would probably be an open one. Maybe Kenny just wasn’t ready for commitment, something Stan very much related to. Stan left the dilemma to them to deal with seeming as they were having a pretty good time at the moment.

There was also a beer pong match going on in the basement which instantly made him leave again as not to join. Being well acquainted with both playing basketball with Kyle and having been on the football team, he was never bad at aiming when he played. He was quite proud of his beer pong skills but he wouldn’t be able to show them off just yet. 

He gripped the cigarette pack in his pocket and found somewhere he could sit outside. He had to fight the urge somehow. So, he flicked his lighter and lit the cigarette, took a few puffs and breathed deeply. He heard the door to the outside open, but he didn’t mind looking back. It was too late.

“You’re… smoking?” a familiar voice almost stated, his heart skipped a beat. Stan nodded and waited for his red-haired friend to react. Kyle sat down beside him.

“Where did you get those?”

“Around here” Stan muttered just loud enough to hear.

“That seems potentially dangerous” Kyle leaned back and rested his body weight on his arms.

“Want one?” Stan offered.

“No way dude, my immune system is already pretty fucked up. And my parents would totally kill me.“ He sat up to nudge Stan’s shoulder. 

Stan started wondering if smoking was against Jewish beliefs, or even if drinking was. He didn’t really know, and Kyle didn’t talk much of his religion. He was pretty protective of it, but it didn’t seem like he was too obsessed with maintaining his beliefs for other than family reasons. Stan felt the same way about his own family beliefs.

They sat there in the night air for a little bit. Stan kept the ember of his cigarette glowing, releasing smoke into the atmosphere. Kyle watched him do it, breathing in deeply, holding it for a few seconds and letting it escape both from his nostrils and the corners of his mouth. Though this move wasn’t well calculated, showing he knew more than just a starting smoker.

“Why are you smoking?” Kyle asked with a slight tone of concern in his voice.  
Everything is shit Stan thought. He shrugged instead.


	3. Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, these tropes are cheesy but I did come up with the concepts or this story when I was less experienced.  
> I also find sometimes that silly things make stories more relatable and believable but that's always up to the person.

After a while, most of the south park youth (or at least the people he knew of) had joined together in the basement. They weren’t exactly sitting in a circle but a somewhat we-can-all-see-each-other shape. Stan gripped his red cup, being with so many people gave him the pressure not to let them see how much he drank, or that’s the power he gave them tonight even if he usually didn’t care.  
“Who’ll start?” someone asked.

“I can” Kenny smiled cheekily.

“Never have I ever… gone vegan” Kenny suggested to start off.

Stan drank from his cup, followed by a few of the girls. It wasn’t that exciting or ground-breaking news. Stan had been vegan before but had now just settled on being vegetarian. He cared too much about the animals to eat them. His dad was mad about it at first, calling him weak and such but eventually, his family adopted. 

“Never have I ever cut my own hair?” Token suggested.

This started a few conversations and a long explanation from Kenny on how to cut it correctly. “And if it turns out bad, I just hide in my hood” He shrugged finished the conversation. It wasn’t much of a surprise for anyone that the untamed hair on his head was self-cut.

“Never have I ever had a friend turn on me”

Almost everyone in the room groaned.  
“Cartman, need I say more?” Kyle added and took a sip of his cup. Mutual agreement. 

“Had my parents ask if I was a virgin?” Red said, trying to stir the crowd into a more interesting topic, more interesting to her at least. 

“All the god damn time!” Kyle exclaimed falling back onto the floor he was sitting on. Stan chuckled.

“Is it really that bad?” Stan questioned. 

“Yes! They literally ask after every party, I’m not Kenny!” This resulted in some snickers and a “Hey!” from Kenny. Kyle assured him he’d never actually say that to his parents.

“My mom asked but I just flipped her off” Craig stated after the fact. Stan couldn’t imagine Craig's parents caring enough to ask but they probably did. 

“Of course, you did” it came from Token. 

“Never have I ever participated in a protest” Kenny suggested. He never seemed to be afraid of taking charge.  
Stan was happy he had a chance to drink. Then told them he was an animal rights activist for a while. That got him a few awws and starting a rant about Seaworld. 

“Never have I ever been arrested” They continued.

Stan laughed “I was arrested for being in that protest” he exclaimed swinging his arms in the air. It wasn’t nearly as funny as it was made out to be, but the room filled with laughter. Drunken teenagers could laugh at nearly anything remotely funny.

“Had sex?” There it was, the age-old question. Now they were 15-16 and technically none of them were legal but this was south park and he was also pretty sure it happened everywhere else too. They weren’t supposed to drink until they were 21 and yet here they were, why would sex stop them? 

Kenny raised his eyebrows at the boy who had said it. “Now you’re just playing dirty” he teased nudging at the boy who had given the prompt either inside knowledge only the two had or about Kenny in general. The others laughed, it was clear he had to drink at this one.

Everyone kept attention to who drank, and it always had to be followed up by a story and a potential who. Stan noted that Kyle hadn’t taken a sip of his cup and Kyle noted the same about Stan. They nodded at each other and quietly fist-bumped.  
“Super virgin best friends” Stan whispered and sent the redhead into a laugh fit to which Stan just smirked. 

“What did you say to him?” Clyde asked curiously.  
Stan looked at his friend and made eye contact which ended in both of them laughing their asses off.

“Wait what’s so funny?” Kenny chuckled.  
This just started a new round of laughing.

“Well now you gotta tell us” Clyde decided to pry.

“SUPER VIRGIN BEST FRIENDS!” Kyle yelled through his laugher with a fist in the air.

Stan couldn’t help but hold his stomach as he laughed but it soon started hurting. It wasn’t the usual laughing until it hurt but a deep fear that started melting to melancholy. His entire face hurt as he tried keeping the smile and kept laughing with Kyle. His cheeks just didn’t feel right, he was afraid someone would notice. He felt a peck of water fill the brim of his eyes, but he knew they weren’t joyful and he started slowing down. Suddenly that happy feeling had completely left him replaced by an empty hole. And keeping it up was like walking through deep snow.  
He ground his teeth, ‘I wish I’d gotten drunk’ he thought.  
“Everything is funnier when you’re drunk” Stan mumbled in frustration.  
Kyle made note of what he heard.  
Stan felt the effect of the joke in the room but didn’t seem to be affected by it. It was like being wrapped in saran wrap unable to touch the atmosphere. 

“Why don’t we continue with sexual things, so I can get really drunk?” Kenny joked with a cheeky grin. Stan frowned slightly, that would mean he’d have no chance to drink for a while.

“Experimented with my sexual orientation?” Annie tried. Stan wondered if she was trying to confirm if Wendy and Red had actually made out in Scott Mallinson’s closet last year, but only one of them drank so maybe the rumors weren’t true.  
Craig and Kenny were sitting by each other locked arms and drank from their cups together. Both Stan and Kyle sat still.

“Had sex outside?” it was suggested.  
A few reacted but it wasn’t about them anymore, it was about Kenny. He drank. They were testing him as it often came to.

“Is there anything sexual you haven’t done Kenny?” Nichole giggled.  
Kenny shrugged.

“Challenge accepted” Craig turned his head to look at the blonde he was about to reveal way too much information about.

“Made out in a bathroom” Craig started slow.  
Kenny sipped. “weak”  
Kenny sipped at his drink. 

“Given a blowjob” Craig smirked in confidence.  
Kenny smiled and stared at the boy right in the eyes. Placing the cup on his lips he drank. Stan thought about the fact that the cup was probably close to being empty by now. He also noticed Kenny was only taking small sips probably anticipating a lot of prompts he’d done.  
“Did that when I was 10” he laughed. No-one really remembered that ever being a thing and shrugged it off as a joke.

“You can do better than that Tucker” Kenny raised his eyebrow.  
Craig shook his head and grinned.

“Had sex with more than 2 people in one night” he continued.

“More than I’ve done last weekend c’mon Craig” Kenny flexed. Stan was unsure how much of this was true.

“What about a two-way blow job then?” Craig continued proving his knowledge on the subject. Stan found himself surprised.

“What’s a two-way blowjob?” Kyle whispered to Stan breaking his focus. Stan waited until he saw Kenny had drunk from his cup to turn and explain to Kyle.

“Ooh, that makes sense” Kyle smiled. Stan appreciated the kindness emanating from him.  
It was as if their exchange of information had even happened. Stan didn't make fun of Kyle for not knowing and Kyle knew Stan would be truthful. Stan appreciated the level of trust between them.

“Had sex with someone at least two times older?” Craig crossed his arms.

“That’d be like 30” Clyde added.

“Wow, you’ve learned how to count” Token nudged at his friend. Clyde pouted.  
Kenny slowly moved the cup towards his lips and one of the girls gasped. He then quickly put the cup down. 

“Yeah no,” he smiled. Stan stared into his eyes, but he couldn’t tell if it was genuine.  
Craig nodded in pride.

“What about: never have I ever paid someone or had someone pay me for sex?” Red tested the waters once again.  
Stan kept his gaze on Kenny who now had his head down. He looked back to Kyle who was listening in on the conversation. He really did feel like an observer of the universe.  
The point of the game was whoever emptied their cup won or lost whichever way you looked at it, but they never stopped with those limitations. Stan stood to refill his drink. 

Stan made sure to drink the remains of the liquor in his cup before refilling it. He quickly hurried towards the group once again.  
But he didn't really feel like he was fully there, just a speck of dust in the wind. He didn't feel involved but had no idea how to get involved either. He was just… there.

“Never have I ever given or gotten a hickey” Bebe giggled even though Stan very clearly remembered her coming to school wearing a scarf and ‘accidentally’ letting it drop revealing a hickey a few months ago.  
Kenny rubbed his neck. It was quite obvious he'd gotten some recently, and he seemed a bit nervous about it.

“You guys… seriously I didn't expect to get drunk this fast” he chuckled nervously. he wasn’t drunk at all, Stan had been out with him enough to know they both held alcohol pretty well.

“Well it's not our fault you've done everything” Nichole commented.  
Kenny shook his head. So, did Stan. 

Kenny glanced back at him having noticed his continuous observation. Stan clutched his stomach. Stan looked away in a slight panic of not knowing how to react. But Kenny didn't look away he wanted to make eye contact with his friend at this point.  
Kyle noticed his behavior and tapped the boy on the shoulder “Earth to Stan, I think Kenny wants to make contact with you dude”  
Stan quickly turned his head now and locked eyes with the blonde. Kenny reassuringly from ear to ear. Some of the pressure on Stan's heart was let go but the last traces still remained. 

“Never have I ever sent nudes?” One of the others laughed and looked at Kenny. Kenny shook his head.

“Nudes? Really? That’s where you set the line?” Token smirked.

“Nothing classy about a picture of my dick”

“Didn’t know you were the classy type” Kyle teased.

“I would much rather start the day off with a pop tart” Kenny crossed his arms and grinned. “eating is great for the soul” he continued. His statement didn’t exactly match his skinny body.

“That’s because it costs money, you’re not used to it” Craig commented earning a fist bump from Kenny personally. 

“shot a gun?” Wendy changed the subject to something less sexual. She stood against a wall holding her cup and pulling at the neckline of her purple turtleneck. She had the same slightly sophisticated style as back when she and Stan dated. He missed talking to her.  
Stan took a big gulp of his cup along with some of the others. As with many, it was a family member that had let them shoot a firearm, in his case his half-uncle Jimbo. South park was just generally proud of its guns like many cities in the states. 

“Never have I ever lied to my peers about my sexual experiences” Wendy sighed as she looked at Red in disappointment.  
And they were right back into the sexual prompts. Stan went back to observing Kenny who most surprisingly didn’t seem drunk yet. He watched the poor blonde take another sip as he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, really?” Bebe commented slyly. Kenny started using a few excuses as if he regretted revealing that about himself.

“Can we ever not talk about sex?” Kyle whispered leaning closer into his super best friend.

“We’re teenage boys we aren’t supposed to think about anything else” Stan whispered back. He was getting a bit tipsy now making him slur just slightly. He still clearly noticed the radiating body heat from redhead through his fuzzy mind. He appreciated their closeness.

“I guess that’s true” Kyle sat back to where he was beforehand with a sigh.  
Stan felt Kyle’s presence disappear like two magnets getting pulled from each other. He found himself leaning in just a little closer before sitting right back up himself again. 

“What about we do this: never have I ever lied in this game,” Annie said, looking at Red and Wendy once again.  
Stan emptied his cup, hopefully, they'd just think he had sex or something like that.  
He watched the others: Kyle hesitantly drank, Kenny rolled his eyes and drank, and Clyde drank. Those were the ones Stan got a glimpse of before they started asking questions.

“What have you done?” Kyle turned to Stan.

“I could ask you the same question” Stan scoffed.

“Mutual silence agreement?” Kyle suggested.

“Yeah” he agreed. They shook hands on it. A fire lit in Stan.

Later in the blaring music, Craig approached Stan. Stan was feeling tipsy but not what he would call drunk yet.  
Craig yelled something but the other black-haired couldn't hear. So, Craig dragged out of the house to talk. Though you could hear the deafening noise from inside it was much calmer outside. 

“Some of us are going to Tokens for an after-party, you coming?" he stated.

“Hey that's cool, yeah totally,” Stan smiled. But the smile hurt, and he was unsure if it was believable.  
Craig seemed to either buy it, blame it on the alcohol or not care enough to check.

“Let's go find the others,” he stated and dragged Stan back into the house.

About 10 minutes later, Token, Craig, Kyle, Kenny, Clyde and a bunch of the other attendants of the party was heading to the Black’s resident.  
Stan fell to the back of the group walking behind Kyle. He was thinking about the fact that he wasn’t thinking about anything which just sent him into a spiral of thinking. Other than that, he just focused on walking properly.

“So, is there gonna be food?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah, why?” Token responded looking back to the redhead.

“I’m still diabetic and I still have to eat while drinking so I don’t have to get a new liver… again” Kyle shook his head.  
Stan remembered seeing his best friend in a hospital bed with a failing liver all those years ago. It was quite terrifying to think about as a kid and he tried not to think about it often. 

“I don’t get why you guys keep forgetting that” Kyle squinted in disbelief at Clyde who walked beside him. Clyde shrugged. Stan deemed him a dumbass

“s-ss…” Stan was about to say something, but he slurred and stopped in his tracks.

“That whole sober thing didn’t last long” Craig commented. Stan frowned.

Kyle placed his arm around Stan’s shoulder and pulled him into a sideways hug. “Don’t mind Craig he’s still an asshole no matter how sober you are”  
Stan smiled. Craig glared at Kyle and Kyle responded by mockingly sticking his tongue out.

Kyle didn’t let go of Stan which confused the boy. He couldn’t see why he’d keep holding him like that. He felt his hand grace his shoulder as they walked. Walking while half-holding someone just seemed inconvenient to Stan. He felt more and more inconvenient as the time passed by and eventually, he let go which Stan didn’t particularly enjoy either. The next while he kept quiet.

At Token’s house Stan sat with a bottle of something, he wasn’t completely sure what it was, but he hadn’t opened it yet. They were to share it and he was to hold it while some of the other went and got snacks.  
Besides him though was another bottle, open and poured into his glass.

“Stan, I was just thinking about something”  
Stan adverted his gaze to his super best friend.

“About what Shelly said in the hall the other day” He continued.

“It’s just, Shelly was doing lots of partying at your age and it’s not like your family is sensitive to alcohol, so why would you be prohibited?”

Stan thought about his dad though it wasn’t like his mom was doing much about that. There was much more going on than he’d shared with anyone before, but he wasn’t just going to tell him even if he was drunk. And he knew he wouldn’t because then he would’ve already and Kyle would’ve definitely approached him about it.

“I guess it’s just different with me” He drank the rest of liquor in his cup and poured himself some more. Kyle watched him worriedly.

“But I mean how would that-“

“Don’t push it dude” Stan cut him off and gritted his teeth. He didn’t mind the other people currently in the room either staring at the two or settling into the new party scene.

"But why would your mom have a problem with you drinking when she wasn't with Shelly at your age?" 

"Jesus Christ just shut the fuck up Kyle, it's not like you're getting graded on my life details" Stan snapped now standing, opened bottle in hand.

“I’m just worried if there’s something I need to worry about,” Kyle said with a serious look. His body stiffened standing tall.

“As I said, there’s no As or Bs so stop trying so hard!” Stan focused intensely on not slurring his words.

Kyle was about to speak but Stan had, had enough. “Fuck you!” Stan flipped him off storming out the house and down the street. He passed a few buildings before turning into a side street.  
‘shit’ He thought

‘shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit’


	4. Hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of this dialogue is awkward but it was hard to write.  
> Also, the sibling relationship is based on the canon and not my experiences with seeing siblings interact.

Stan grips his hair, now noticing he was still holding onto the glass bottle. It had spilled all on his clothes when he had run a moment ago and only now had he noticed how ranched it smelled. It was horrible, burning his nostrils and adding to his general shitty-ness.

The aftertaste of beverages in his mouth became increasingly hard to handle. He tried both spitting and rubbing his tongue with the back of his hand. He found his hand tasted even worse than the inside of his mouth. He even wondered if he’d thrown up in his mouth without noticing as the taste was close. Eventually, Stan let the tip of the flask touch his lips. It sloshed into his mouth and down his throat in an attempt to blackout those little stars of thoughts. Only then he’d realized it was vodka he was drinking. It buzzed his mouth but failed at outdoing the taste of vomit.

He knew there wasn’t enough to pass out with, it hadn’t been full after all and he could hold his liquor better than most. The chugging was desperate, his heart wrenched with each swallow and self-pity that followed. He knew it was unhealthy, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop. It was easier, easier than anything else he could do. It was easier than admitting how much he hated himself, how much he had come to not caring, how little he wanted to get up the morning, how disconnected he felt, it was easier than forcing the people he loved to care.

It wasn’t a secret that they cared; he could see that. But he only saw this as much more of reason to keep quiet. How would his mother react when she learned about how he was slowly killing himself? How could he look Kyle in the eyes and say that despite all the good things he hurt himself? How could he explain the impulse that made him feel a way that we couldn’t even put into words?

He didn’t ask for help. He felt he had learned that when he first started feeling that way, yes, they were young, but Kyle's reaction was to be expected. There was no need for a Debby downer, drinking helped with that.  
He thought about how much it hurt but at least it was only himself right? As long as they didn’t know. He pondered for a moment…maybe they should now.

Stan drank the last drop of his thought pacifier. Holding the bottle by the neck he swung it into the small passage in frustration. It smashed into splinters against the concrete and the bricks of the walls. A light is turned on in a window, setting Stan into motion.  
“Shit” Stan mumbles. He truly hoped no one had seen him.

There was only one thing wrong with running while drunk; the world spun like a merry go round. He found himself increasingly disoriented and dizzy. He stopped, gripping his head and focused on seeing clearly. He was in a place he knew, but there wasn’t a place he didn’t know in south park. Growing up in a little town had formed an internal map embayed in his brain and that seemed more helpful than ever at that moment. In his daze, he had managed to follow a path with a bit of discretion.   
He sighed sharply, letting his shoulders fall to his side, he felt numb to his core. No longer did the taste in his mouth matter, all he could feel were his ragdoll limbs as he dragged himself ahead. He sniffled, he hadn’t realized his actions yet in his mind, but it seemed his body was reacting to the events passed. This was going to be one rough hangover. 

Momentarily he dazed his eyes upwards, he was standing outside his house now. He didn’t know where else to go, he considered going back to the ally but ultimately walked through the front door.   
He was lucky it was unlocked, maybe his mother had come home late from her night out and hadn’t had the chance to lock the door again. No that wasn’t the case he was standing with the spare key in his hand, wasn’t he? Though disoriented he managed to make way to the stairs before hearing a familiar voice. 

“Stanley, is that you?”  
His eyes met his mother at the top of the stairs in her nightgown. She seemed confused and began moving down the stairs to meet her son.

“I thought you’d be gone all night, sweetie” She spoke whilst traveling down.

Her smile broke when she met his poufy eyes sunken into his pale face. He stood displaced unable to react. She walked a bit closer, placing a hand on his shoulder. The smell of alcohol and dirt met her, she gave him a soft smile. He returned it with soulless eyes that stared right through her every being.

“Come here,” She said guiding one of his arms around her shoulder to keep him balanced and walked him up the stairs.

She quietly helped him into his bedroom where she placed him on his bed. All he could do was stare as his mother picked out something he could sleep in from his closet. She placed a pair of pajamas on the bed beside him. She squatted down in front of him and wiped away one of the silent tears on his cheek

“Change into that while I go get something” She pointed to the clothes and Stan nodded.   
Stan started changing as soon as she had left the room. Though moving like a zombie, he managed his quest. His mother entered the room with an empty bucket, a wet cloth and a bottle of water. 

“Clean yourself a bit and use the bucket if you need to” She smiled, Stan could only nod.

“Goodnight,” She said, deciding to first ruffle his hair and kiss his forehead before she left. She used to only do that when he nightmares as a child and the feeling set loose two new tears from his eyes.

Stan kept quiet, rubbing his face with the cloth.  
Soon Stan was sleeping.

Stan’s sleep was disturbed abruptly by the need to vomit. And so, he did. He’d done it a few times during the night and was ever so thankful his mother had brought him a bucket. Though it seemed it was filled with only stomach acid now.

Looking around he noticed it had become bright since the last time he threw up. He was about to lay his head down on his pillow once again when he noticed the stains and obvious smell coming from it. He had slept with his face in his own vomit.   
Looking at his nightstand he saw a new cup of water and few pills presumably put there by his mother. He gratefully took the pills to dull his raging headache.

He squinted as he somehow made his way down to the kitchen where his mother was cleaning, and his sister was eating.   
“Hello, Stanley” his mother turned as he made his way to the table.

Sharon placed a plate in front of her son and told him she was going to take care of his room today. It was usually Stan’s job, but she could see he wasn’t in optimal shape. She had seen him have hangover once or twice in the past but this was still her first time helping him clean up, Stan wasn’t sure what she thought was going on but it was probably wrong.  
Then he thought about his dad and if she used to do the same for him. He felt repulsed.

“You look horrible” Shelly commented. She sat across from him, wearing the shirt she wore about 70% of her time spent in public. It was a shirt from one of the bands she liked, name only familiar to stan because she never stopped talking about them. 

“Gee, I didn’t notice Shelly, it’s not like I feel horrible or anything.” He snarkily responded poking aggressively at his food. 

“well if someone had just followed my advice-“

“Don’t even start” Stan rubbed his temples and pinched his nose. He breathed in heavily.

“Do you even remember anything? Mom said you looked rough last night” She crossed her arms, covering the letters on her shirt. The letters NCT were already very washed out because of the shirts continued use but by god, she would not stop no even if it were to fall apart at the seams.

“Fuck you” He flipped her off, pushed away from the plate and planted his face in the table. 

The problem was more that he could remember everything. It didn’t feel like a choice to try to forget either. Kyle and Stan had been following each other quite closely throughout the night, which first felt like a security blanket but now Kyle knew how much he’d had to drink. Kyle knew his alcohol tolerance, how much he had to drink before he forgot and how he reacted to hangovers. He had spent a massive number of hangovers away from home as he didn’t want to deal with the confrontation.   
He had often ended up on Kenny’s floor or one of the bedrooms of the party place and always told his mom he’d slept with a friend. Before leaving the place of rest he’d made sure to handle the worst of his hangover symptoms and left contact with his family to the minimum. Kyle knew he’d had the bottle with him last night, but he wouldn’t tell him he’d drank the rest of the damn thing. There was no forgetting this one, no way to escape the regret.  
Stan groaned heavily.

Shelly tried talking again but Stan covered his ears, it was all too loud to bear. So fucking loud.

He pushed his food as far away as possible this time while rubbing his face on the table

The worst thing was the eyes, the eyes of his best friend. Deep worried eyes of someone he cared about, he didn’t deserve that. Kyle shouldn’t have seen him like that. This was somehow different than their usual arguments, he didn’t want to ever look Kyle in the eyes again. He was way too ashamed to even admit it.

Stan kept groaning at his thoughts, Shelly kept talking. Stan slammed his fist into the table.

“Stan seriously you’re acting like an idiot, a hangover isn’t the end of the damn world” Shelly gritted her teeth.

“God fucking damn it! Shelly just shut the fuck up already!” He pinched his nose hard trying to contain himself.

“What the hell, why are you attacking me now?!”

“Maybe I have a problem and don’t want none of your shit about any of this! I have a sense of reality you know!” Stan stood abruptly and stomped up to his room.

Ignoring his mother who was tackling his vomit stained bedsheets, he grabbed a new set of pajamas and went to the bathroom. He didn’t expect going anywhere so being less than comfortable made no sense. Or it made all the sense in the world. The usual clothes were too restricting, and he didn’t want to give himself some kind of hope he’d ever get out the door of his home… ever again.

He locked the door and threw his clothes on the floor. Putting his hand behind his neck and leaning back he breathed out heavily. He just wanted to be alone with this mess today.   
He locked his eyes in the mirror as he undressed. It just blurred his mind. Everything was wrong, nothing could fix it. He really wished someone would fix it. It was too overwhelming of a thought to confront but wanted someone to notice. Maybe he’d have to get a little riskier, be selfish and let them see. He felt selfish anyway, though he probably shouldn’t.

All his thoughts mingled and mixed as he showered. The water washed every regret over his body as he revisited those words he’d uttered to his sister.  
“I have a problem” He spoke muffled by the running water.

At that moment he realized he’d lost control. It was no longer helping the way it did, he couldn’t stop if he wanted to. It was taken hold of him, who was he without this?  
And he cried, hopefully, blocked out by the water.

The water bill, well let’s not talk about that.

Stan laid on his bed. He let his hand slide off the side of his bed, feeling the weight of his body to the full extent. Blood rushed to his fingers and he felt like he needed some of that in his brain. He was sprawled on his sleeping space hopelessly. The blanket was only half-covering him, and his head was affected by a pulsating headache. The pillow he had his face in was damp and the covers had been washed not long ago. He groaned.

He heard his mom walking up the stairs talking.  
“Stan’s in his room”

“Thank you” a familiar voice spoke.

“What?” Stan harshly whispered in a panic.

He stumbled and sat now covering himself with his blanket again. He tried to look less terrified than he was.  
Kyle peeked his head through the door and reluctantly stepped towards Stan.

“Hey dude,” He said.

“Uh, hey” Stan answered with a clearly raspy voice.

“Hangover?”

“Yeah”

Kyle sat himself down on the bed beside Stan. Stan was too ashamed to look at him like expected. He hoped the redhead wouldn’t bring up the fact that his mother didn’t seem angry about the hangover or the drinking.

“So yesterday” Kyle started. Stan had also hoped he wouldn’t have even touched the subject, but Kyle wasn’t the type to just let problems be. It was one of his best and worst qualities according to Stan.

“I’m sorry for prying so much it obviously wasn’t the right time” Stan waited for him to continue.

“Did you just go home? Token and the others were quite confused. Also, what happened to the bottle?” 

Stan coughed to clear his throat “Yeah and I threw it in an ally” Stan looked down with tired eyes, it was true, he was just withholding the context.

“Okay” Kyle trusted him. Or more precisely going by the philosophy of not going too much into the subject if Stan didn’t want to.

“Do you want me to stay and play some games or just go?” Kyle looked optimistically at Stan.

He thought for a moment. He was ashamed, very ashamed but he could also feel that magnetic pull once again. He wanted to be close to Kyle for as long as possible. To be completely honest he wanted him to himself, maybe even be selfish enough to let him see his struggles.

“You can stay” He answered.

“cool” 

And they sat and played for a few hours. Stan lost focus on the game a few times. He felt comfort in the closeness. He felt he didn’t need to think about anything for a while. He forgets how red his eyes were from crying, he forgets why he didn’t want to talk to Kyle in the first place, he forgets the wounds on his legs, he forgets the alcohol, he forgets his mother and his sister, he just remembers Kyle and how safe he feels because there’s nothing else to do than kill these zombies and get some loot.   
Was it that Kyle could have known he’d feel okay around him? Or was it just their usual way of hanging out? Kyle seemed like the type would notice. Stan hoped he didn’t because it would cause his friend strain. 

He wanted to keep the safe feeling forever but eventually, Kyle had to leave again. And he just wished they lived together, that the world didn’t exist. They could live with just them, even with a few of his other friends. He never felt judged around Kyle but was also constantly worried to reveal something about himself that Kyle would judge. 

In his little imaginary world, there’d be no sister, because though he cared about her, she had the tendency to say all the wrong things and there would be no k-pop idols in his safe space. And if there was no k-pop there was no Shelly. There’d be no parents or other adults to dictate or expect anything from him. Of course, his super best friend would be there, Kenny could come because he always seemed to accept everyone and that might be because he was quite something himself. Craig could come, Craig was cool, he didn’t necessarily say much but he was always pretty chill too. Those were the thoughts racing his mind.

Maybe he liked that idea a little too much, he longed for it to come true.

Kyle stood there sloppily putting on his green hat, Stan watched his red curls bounce as the cloth was forced on his head. He felt happy that his friend felt comfortable enough around him not to wear something he usually never takes off. Kyle took a look at his phone

“A few of the guys are talking about a roof party in the city tomorrow” He stated.

“Are you going?” Stan asked.

“Don’t know, I’ll ask for some more details when I get home”

Stan nodded at his response. He’d usually attempt not to drink on Sundays, so he wouldn’t come to school on a Monday hungover, but they had this Monday off. He couldn’t remember if a teacher had died, something broke, there was some holiday or the school burned down but they all seemed plausible enough. He didn’t really care much.

He followed Kyle to the door, watched him leave and slung himself on the sofa.

He stared at his phone waiting for Kyle to come online again. The other guys were still talking, and he could see Kyle hadn’t seen any of the messages yet as he hadn’t come home. When he finally did start asking questions, Stan just sat there observing the chat, and eventually, a message came that set Stan into motion:

“Sounds fun I’ll come”

Stan wanted to get drunk again, get a little courage to talk, there was nothing more to it. Actually, there were loads of reasons to drink, lots of regrets of not drinking but none he would admit at that moment. So, when Kenny asked if he was going as well all he could say was:  
“Yeah”

Sharon peaked into the living room in the kitchen, watching her son on the couch in concern before returning to her task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the courtesy of my k-pop fan friend I decided Shelly is not only a fangirl but a K-pop stan
> 
> Hope you enjoy that


	5. Rooftop

The boys on a rooftop, out of town. It’s crowded but not too much. People are coming and going. He’s sitting there, smoking. Kyle is sitting beside him. He’s buried in his thoughts as usual but does not hesitate to offer Kenny a cigarette as he approaches them. He gladly accepts.  
“These are awfully nice cigs to just have been ‘laying around’” He comments, obviously knowing something about Kyle and his conversation at the last party.

Stan doesn’t bother talking back. There are a few burn scars on his arm. He wants to make another. And he sighs so heavily he wants to scream. Kyle is worried, and he knows that. It doesn’t help that he wants to give in to his impulses, to stand yell and kicking. what he’s sitting on. Yet he sits still.

They drink a bit, but Stan has felt dull most of the night already, his jaw is clenched not allowing him too much of the substance. He wants to feel, the moment in the shower made him realize. He wanted to feel right now.  
And the night goes on, his thoughts are racing. He doesn’t try to ignore them; he’s listening. He is aware of their presence and let them be, never consciously pushing them to the back as usual.

Kyle is eyeing him down as he stands, staring down on the street now. He has his hands in his pockets, the atmosphere is loud. Kyle crosses his arms and bites his bottom lip. Stan is distant. Kyle keeps his tight glance.  
Stan releases his jaw from its tight grip and breathes in.

“I don’t want you to hate me Kyle” He starts the long-awaited conversation, not looking away from the road.

“I would never hate you; we’ve been best friends since like forever dude” Kyle lets his arms fall to his side. He seemed displaced and confused but had also felt his friends decent for a while so it wasn’t as much of a surprise as he made it out to be by his facial expressions.

“It’s different this time”

“I swear to God Stan there is pretty much nothing that’d make me hate you, and the only reason I’m saying, ‘pretty much’ is because Cartman is still alive,” Kyle swore.  
He takes a moment to take in what his friend had just said and slowly nods.

Stan decided to let his thoughts connect to his mouth: “You see this ledge?” He took a step closer and leaned on the railing. A car raced by down below.

“I want to jump” He stated, revealing the impulse that was nudging at him.

“For real?” Kyle took a step closer towards his best friend. 

“Yeah”

“Stan, when did this start?” His eyes widened as he stepped closer.

“I don’t know, Kyle. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so washed out. Only a few things that make me feel anything other than being choked.” He abruptly turned his head towards his friend who was now standing in front of him.  
He stared Kyle in the eyes “I just can’t live like this anymore” The sentence triggered the tears to stars falling.

Kyle placed his hand on Stan’s shoulder and looked at him with sincerity.  
“Have you talked to anyone else about this, Stan?”

“no”

“Do you need a hug?” he offered. Stan slowly moved his way to embrace his skinny body.

“You’re one of the only things left that matter, I don’t want to lose you too” He sniffed though not exactly very loudly.

“You’re not going to” He embraced his friend.

“You don’t understand, I don’t even like games anymore, waking up feels like I’m dragging myself out of a pit and I just want to disappear. I don’t want you to feel like nothing too.” He tried to explain.

“Who else matters, who still makes you feel?” Kyle patted his back, he was shorter but, in the way, Stan had nuzzled himself into him, it wasn’t hard to reach around him.

“Kenny makes me laugh sometimes, I guess. You guys make me feel somewhat normal” Stan sniffled again. That was the only reason he felt he could even attempt to say this to him.

“Why don’t we go get Kenny and go for a walk? I can pay for KFC or something” He offered, and Stan nodded. He was happy Kyle wasn’t freaking out and calling the police but then again why would he? He knew just as little about this stuff as he assumed Kyle did.

Kyle took Stan under his arm and gestures for Kenny to go with them. He followed them down to the sidewalk where Stan finally looked up again, his eyes were red and snot was running from his nose to his chin. Kyle offered him a tissue, he was often referred to as the party mom and Stan couldn’t be more grateful of his party parent.

“What’s up, Stan? you look rough buddy” Kenny tilted his head as he asked.

He took a deep breath “my brain decided I wanted to jump off the roof” He breathed out in apathy. He felt like he’d been lifting something heavy for a very long time he’d just let go off, but he was still sore from the burden.

Kenny stopped in his step, startling the others. “Well fuck, Stan” They pulled a bit into the side of the not so occupied street.

“Do you have anyone to talk to?” He continued.

“Heh-“Stan rubbed his eyes trying to stop the next flow of tears “- Shelly convinced me to go to this one guy, this one time but it was because she felt I was drinking too much. I really hated that guy”

“I know someone who isn’t a complete asshole, he helped me and my sister after my mom overdosed” Kenny responded. Kenny’s mother overdosed about 3 years back and even if she was still alive as she could be now it really beat his little sister Karen up. And as a result of caring for his little sister more than any other family member, it beat up Kenny too. 

“Would you like to meet him?” He offered. Stan nodded; it was an opportunity to find someone without attracting too much attention to himself, without telling his mom.

“Can we just sit somewhere and talk first?” Stan asked.

“There’s a bench over there or we could go to that 24-hour diner” Kyle observed.

They made their way to the diner and Kyle ordered coffee for them. Maybe seeing they had a long night ahead of them. Stan sipped a bit from his cup, looking down. His days as a member of the goth group had quickly given him a tolerance to coffee, even so much that whenever they went to tweak bros, he always got the darkest they had. Though he quite enjoyed his not so new preference for all things bitter.

“I’m totally relieved you said something, man. That shit is rough going around with alone” Kenny gave him a soft smile, darting Stan’s attention to him. He seemed relaxed despite the situation.

“I really don’t want you to die, Stan,” Kyle stated, looking at him.

“I don’t know what the right thing to say is or if this is making it worse but, you’re so important to me and I really want to be there for you through this.” 

“I feel like I’m blowing this out of proportion, it’s not my mom that overdosed or someone died or something. I’m just an idiot and I’m putting all this on you I’m sorry.” Stan sighed.

“It doesn’t matter what has or hasn’t happened, you can’t control how you react, you were both there for me and I’d be there for both of you in a heartbeat. I want to be there for you, I’m not leaving your side.” Kenny nodded confidently, reached over and patted Stan on the shoulder.

“Me neither, we’re here to support you through it all no matter how long that might take.” Kyle extended and agreed with Kenny. 

“Thank you, guys,” Stan spoke, a tear rolled down his cheek into his caffeinated drink. They made him feel so many things, he was even if it was only a little, happy about the little amount of alcohol he had consumed.


	6. Restless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda hate this chapter but yeah  
> I did decide I'm not changing the old plot too much so it's still here

The sky was a dark grey, the sidewalk another shade. Through the clouded skies, you could see a star occasionally peeking through. The air was thick and heavy. The swift sound of cars, deep breaths and footsteps were only to be heard. 

“It’s pretty late, Kenny. Is the office even open now?” Kyle asked.

“Oh shit, I didn’t even think about that! We can go next thing tomorrow; his office is in this city.” Kenny explained.

“Isn’t it a little far to drive back?” Stan asked with a low voice and crossed arms. He had his head partially down. 

“I know some people we can stay with,” Kenny said optimistically. Kyle looked at him skeptically.

“Kyle, not everyone I know is a drug dealer.” He answered his gaze.

“That you even know multiple is a problem” Kyle talked back.

“You know where I live” Kenny crossed his arms. Kyle shrugged.

“Should I text my mom then?” Stan spoke, the volume of his low voice surprising to even himself.

“Yeah that's probably a good idea if we're going anywhere” Kyle assured standing beside Stan.

Stan took out his phone and found his mom's contact. He stared at the screen for a while. His brow scrunched up and he gritted his teeth.   
“Want me to do it?” Kyle offered. Stan handed him the phone.

“I'm assuming you don't really want her to know what we're actually doing?” He asked. Stan nodded.

Kyle quickly drafted a text and showed it to Stan for approval before sending it. He was really good faking emails, signatures and such. It had helped them many times, for better or worse.

“Come on, now let's go” Kenny smiled walking around the corner.

They walked up the stairs of some generic apartment, that Kenny must have been very familiar to know the way to. Everything looked the same on the outside.  
When Kenny got to the door he didn’t bother to knock. Met by the confused glances of three vastly older men he smirked and gestured Kyle and Stan to enter. Both of them unsure, they stood beside Kenny and stared back at the adult men.

“Kenny, haven’t seen you in a while” One of the men started walking towards him while one of the others closed the door behind them. 

“Who are your little friends?” He continued.

“Their names are irrelevant; we need a place to sleep tonight. So, crashing here seems logical.” Kenny placed his hands in his pockets and leaned back all while still smiling cockily.

“That’s a move I respect man, what brings you to town anyway?”

“A party” Kenny popped from his firm standing point and started rocking a bit from side to side.

“Of course,” He nodded calmly.

“Have you spoken to Jeremy lately? I can’t get ahold him” a second bigger man asked and crossed his arms.  
Kyle furrowed his brow skeptically. Kenny promised this wasn’t a drug den but so far it seemed sketchy. 

“We can talk about him later. Do you have any other family folks here?” Kenny was smaller than the man but still raised his head in confidence. 

“We picked up an out of pocket chick, but the Gorilla took her to the cathouse” the first guy answered and gestured to the other group of men, he was big and muscular and his general demeanor was intimidating.

“Show us where we can stay, and we’ll talk all you want about Jeremy”  
And so, they did, they were led into a not so sketchy but quite messy room with a couple of stray mattresses. Kenny stayed in the room with the men. Kyle and Stan listened in closely.

“I thought you were off on Sundays” Kenny spoke.

“They had John show up today and one of the others caught a case, I didn’t expect anything to happen either.” He spoke.

“Bad luck” Kenny spoke still holding himself high and confident. 

Kyle turned to Stan in confusion behind the almost closed door.   
“Do you have any idea what they’re talking about?” He spoke. Stan shook his head worriedly. 

“I’m gonna try to look it up” Kyle found his phone and searched for a few terms used. His facial expressions grew more and more horrified. 

“What is it?” Stan asked. But before Kyle could show him, Kenny walked into the room again and closed the door behind him.

“Did you bring us to a pimp?! Do you just not have any normal acquaintances?” Kyle harshly whispered at Kenny. 

“Shit, shhhh” Kenny’s eyes widened.

“Kenny, what the hell?” Stan snapped at him though also whispering.

Kenny checked to see if anyone was listening in on them before talking. “That guy his name is Mike, he’s not a pimp. But one of those guys out there with him is. They help each other. He’s usually safe on Sundays but something came up” He explained now looking out again into the room.

“Are you serious? What the hell Kenny.” Kyle's eyes narrowed, and he ground his jaw.

“He’s an okay guy, okay” Kenny assured with honest eyes.

“Who’s Jeremy?” Stan questioned. 

“He’s their supplier, a guy on my street deals for him and you just kind of all just know each other. He’s been under the radar lately.” Kenny sighed. 

“We can clear things up properly when they’re gone? I promise nothing will happen” Kenny put his hands together and begged the guys to accept.

Stan and Kyle looked at each other before nodding and relaxing a bit. But they didn’t get to relax for long before the second guy gestures for them to come out. He finds it is too suspicious for them to stand behind closed doors.

“Please just play along until they leave,” Kenny says before the go out of the room again.

“So how old are your little friends?” Is the first question that’s asked. Stan notices Mike looking skeptically at the man.

“Just a year or so younger” Kenny lies with a straight face. Stan notices his nose scrunch like it always does when he’s lying. He hadn’t noticed it before he stopped wearing his parka.

“Hmm, so just barely legal huh” He comments and stares intensely at Kyle. Like every single freckle on his face needed to be inspected.

“You’re turning 19, right, Kenny?” He asked further.

“Yes, I told you guys already. Why are you always so suspicious of me?” Kenny crossed his arms and tilted his head. Stan knew it’s because he’s in fact not 19 yet but he hopes those big guys have no idea. It doesn’t seem safe to be in an apartment with a pimp. It shouldn’t seem safe at any age. 

“Fine, you’re good you dirty blonde” The man relaxed his shoulders. 

Both him and Kyle were unsure if it’s because of Kenny’s dirty blonde hair or because Kenny was blonde and dirty, but the nickname seemed strange none the less of its origin. Kenny was still wary of the man. It seemed he didn’t trust him. Stan believed that was wise. They exchanged a few more words before the other men excused themselves and left.  
Kenny breathed deeply. He sunk to the floor by the wall and rubbed his face. 

“You should’ve texted me Kenny” Mike stated with his hands in his pockets standing in front of the blonde.  
Kenny sighed.

“I’m not used to being around you guys with people who aren’t involved in all this. I guess I don’t care when it’s just me” I rose his head towards his friends. Though the comment was concerning there was no time or need to be at this time.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I know how to bluff but I shouldn’t expect you to.”

Kyle kicked the side of his leg.  
“Shut up, asshole, we’re fine”

Kyle looked to Stan for confirmation of his statement. Stan looked away for a bit.  
“As long as you don’t do drugs here, I’m okay. I’d rather not get into that as well.” Stan gritted his jaw and rolled his eyes. 

“and I would like you not to do drugs for the obvious reason that I don’t particularly condone your drug use” Kyle added. 

“No drugs?” Kenny looked at Mike.

“No drugs” He responded.

They stood in silence for a little bit until the issues felt settled.  
“So why are you here again?” Mike looked around at the 3 teenagers in his home.

Kenny looked towards Stan. Stan didn’t know if he needed Mike to know. But he also knew he probably wouldn’t ever see him again. His teeth were shut tight. He searched for an answer with his eyes. Eventually, they landed on Kyle in which he asked for reassurance. His body sunk as he begged Kyle with a single look to tell but not reveal.

“Circumstances” Kyle stated in a quite awkward manner. And Kenny understood what Stan was thinking.  
“We’re gonna visit the nice doctor downtown tomorrow” the blonde elaborated. 

“Ah, okay maybe this wasn’t the best place to take him then” Mike gestured to their black-haired friend.

“I know, I didn’t think they’d need to get involved” Kenny spoke.

Stan didn’t like them talking about him and what he could and couldn’t handle. He bit his tongue lightly. “I want to sleep” he stated.

Stan didn’t quite remember much of the next moments but eventually, he’s on a mattress ready to rest. He turned on his phone to a message from his mother. She told him to take care of himself and that she loved him. He wanted to respond but he didn’t know what to say so he put the electronic by his side. 

He looked around the room, Kyle was trying to sleep on the mattress beside him. He had urges to crawl up to him like he used to do his mother when he had bad dreams as a child. He just laid still. Kenny was still talking to Mike. Stan didn’t really know his sleep routine other than he usually went to bed after them no matter the event.

The next thing he looked at was his forearms. What a sight. But nothing compared to his thighs. He touched the skin with the tips of his fingers. He brushed over the damaged skin, the poufy red scars and blended red edges. It wasn’t just one color as he’d first expected I’d be from a lighter flame. It was shades of red in intricate patterns, some areas more burnt than others. His body was obviously fighting for its own survival, trying to treat the wounds but after taking his first hit Stan didn’t stop, only considering the scars in times like these. 

He moved his legs to his chest in quite an uncomfortable fetal position. He thought about his legs as he hugged his knees. He couldn’t figure out how he felt about it. It didn’t scare him like probably should. He wondered if he’d ever had to tell anyone about them. It spiked his heart when he realized he probably had to. ‘No, I’m just gonna talk about the overall problems’ he thought. ‘Yeah, the rest I can deal with on my own.’  
‘Can I?’


	7. New direction

Kenny pushed the doors to the room open. It was a mixture of a waiting area with a sofa and some chairs, and an office place with a row of desks facing away. Kenny stepped further into the room. Kyle looked around curiously and Stan held his arm nervously. A man exiting another room spotted the boys and approached.

“Kenny?” The man asked.

“Yup Doc, it’s me.” He answered.

“It’s been a while, how you been? How’s Karen?”

“This and that but more of the usual teenager stuff. Same with Karen. Though this time I’m not here for me.” Kenny gestured towards Kyle and Stan.

“I see that, hello I’m Mister Morrison.” He put out a hand for both of the other boys respectively to shake.

“We have someone who’d like to talk with you if you have time” Kenny continued. Stan moved his eyes up to Mr. Morrison’s face and momentarily made very intense eye contact.

The man took a look at his wristwatch and spoke: “I’ve got time right now let me guide you to a room”

He started walking and boys followed. They were guided through a few doors and with equally white walls sometimes plastered with an interpretive art piece of some kind. Turning a few corners, they entered a room with a couch, 3 chairs, and a coffee table. 

“I’m going to go get something to drink, I’ll be right back” Mr. Morrison stated before leaving them in the room.

None of them sat beside Kenny who seemed oddly comfortable in the ill decorated room. There was a pattern on the wall with some kind of blue and green squares. But also, an old landscape painting on the wall and the chairs are 2 different colors, 2 purple ones, and one orange.  
“They’re mostly funded by donations and accept old furniture. So, it’s easier for poor people to get treatment from professionals” Kenny answered some of the other boy’s confusion.

“Don’t the doctors need salaries?” Kyle questioned.

“There’s a lot of new graduates here, it’s like charity work for doctors it looks great on paper. It’s easier to get a proper job when you have experience. Usually, a retired psychologist helps guide them in the process.” Kenny explained. 

“Nice” Kyle answered clearly impressed by the way the place worked.

Not much later the doctor returned and asked the boys to join Kenny on the couch. He placed 4 cups, a can of water and a box of tissues on the table. He held a notepad.

“So, who are we talking to today?”  
Stan slowly and reluctantly raised his hand. Though he immediately found his actions regretful and awkward.

“And what’s your name?”

“Stan”

“And what’s your name?” He turned to the last unnamed boy.

“Kyle”

“Now Stan we can do this with or without your friends but don’t worry I’m not going to ask you for your social security number or anything.” The man smiled.

“I’d like for them to stay” Stan kept his gaze locked on the man in front of him talking.

“Just tell us if you need us to leave dude” Kyle Stated. Stan nodded.

“Let’s start with how old you are”

“I’m 16” he spoke with a low volume.

“I should just explain a few things before we get into this; I can help you by giving advice and coping methods for now. I can’t prescribe you anything medical since you’re underage, that’d need a parent or parental figure present. But I won’t and cannot discuss what we talk about in here with anyone else. And if you need more professional help I would refer you to other places. I thought maybe you’d like to know that.” Mr. Morrison explained  
Stan nodded slowly and gave the man a sign that he was ready to continue. 

“And why did you come in today, Stan?” Using his name in such a context made it feel more real than he’d expected. 

“Well, we were at a party last night and…” Stan stopped talking, pressed his tongue on the back of his teeth and winced. 

He looked up at Mr. Morrison who was waiting patiently with kind eyes. He took a deep shaky breath.

“I confessed something”

“And what might that be?” Mr. Morrison pressed.

“I wanted to jump off the roof” Stan confessed once again; his jaw hurt from being so tense. 

“So, you still have that impulse in you now Stan?” His eyes became serious yet approachable as he wrote in his notepad.

“No… I mean I think about but I just want to disappear into a hole. But the thing is I’m already there, and I still have these things to do every day. It’s so exhausting.” Stan rubbed the palms of his hands on his thighs, it hurt but it was something to focus on. 

Kyle bit his lip and turned away from Stan. He met Kenny with a worried gaze, but Kenny kept his eyes locked on the situation. He seemed much calmer than he should’ve been in this situation.

“Would you care to elaborate on said things?” Mr. Morrison asked, his eyes had softened a bit. 

“Just everything, I stay in the shower for hours, I haven’t brushed my teeth in three weeks and I don’t want to leave my bed ever. The only time I ever really wanna go out is to drink or be with my friends but it all takes everything out of me. There’s no energy to do anything else.“

Stan's heart felt like it was bursting at the seams. He thought he’d be able to hold it all in and he was still trying to. But tunnel vision was kicking in, all he could think about was his troubles and that doctor. He was anonymous in this room. He worried about his friends, but they disappeared in the mess of his thoughts. 

“How long have you been feeling that way, Stan?” Mr. Morrison turned his head a little to the side and seemed even more approachable. 

“I don’t know, it seems like decades ago that I didn’t. It’s been getting so much worse lately.” he gritted his teeth in sorrow.

“That's okay Stan, what made you confess to your friends last night?” 

“I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can trust my friends to some extent.” Stan spoke.

“That's good Stan, it seems you are willing to work towards getting better, am I correct?”

“I hate this, and I just want it to go away. I want to stop.”

He would love to not feel like he was in slow motion and the world at full speed. 

“What do you want to stop?”

“Everything, I just want to stop being so unhappy all the time. Nothing is happening, why am I reacting so badly? I feel so useless. What am I even doing? It's just fucking abnormal.”

“Well, Stan we all react to situations differently. It can be something you’ve been bottling up that’s beginning to get to you or something completely different. I’m sure there’s something we can work on together that can help you.” He used those soft eyes, soft and tender brown eyes. Almost like a fire, a warm nice to be close to in concept but dangerous if you played around. He kept his distance and the flame was kept away. Stan liked the warmth.  
Mr. Morrison took the fact that Stan was acceptingly nodding as a cue to continue:  
“What is that makes you feel abnormal, Stan?”

“Nobody feels this fucking down all the time, right? I must be messed up in the head. Who the fuck feels like they’re constantly drowning every time they breathe? I can’t breathe fully into my lungs. My body psychically hurts.”

“A lot more people experience what describe than you might believe. You have to remember that there might be someone just like you who isn’t speaking out about it for the same reason.”

“Well that sucks ass, I don’t want anyone to feel like this” Stan spoke, visibly upset. 

“You were describing some psychical pain as well, could you elaborate?”

“I just sit around with a headache all day and my muscles hurt. But I can’t tell you if that’s from partying or not.”

“You like to party, Stan?”

Their conversation continued for a while with no input from Stan’s friends but somehow feeling more encouraged with them around. They talked about a lot, but Stan didn’t feel like there was enough time in the world to explain everything he could put into words. In the end they agreed that Stan would come back that next weekend as it fit them best and went their separate ways.

“Depression, huh” Kyle spoke after what he deemed too long of silence. They were sitting in the car he got for his birthday since his parents thought it would make him drink less and take responsibility more. Though pretty much every drinking experience was either within walking distance or involved sleeping a hangover out, they never needed to make Kyle more responsible. He did that all on his own.

“I don’t want to be depressed.” Stan sat on the passenger side and leaned his head on the window.

“I don’t think that’s something you choose.” Kyle responded.

“Also, he didn’t diagnose you. You need both more than one session, an official visit at a hospital and a guardian for that. He suggested you might need more professional help.” Kenny spoke from the middle of the back seat. He was laying down with a seat sprawled across his body.

“Probably the reason I’m not diagnosed with a bunch of shit. Parents can’t bother to stay sober for that shit” He raised his eyebrows and ‘tshed’ as he finished his statement. Kenny could only imagine how they'd label his mind with the kind of things he'd witnessed.

“Didn’t you think you were depressed when we were like 10?” Kyle asked the Noiret beside him. 

“Yeah more than once but we believed a lot of bullshit when we were 10” He responded but never glanced away from his view out the window.

They were going back, back to south park. His biggest enabler. 

At home Stan met his mother who didn’t know any better than always. She didn’t know her son’s state of mind and greeted him as always. Still, a bit shook and with his friends reluctantly letting him go in alone he just headed for his room. He thought about his father, he wouldn’t have said anything either. 

He laid on his bed for quite a while with just that one word in his head: Depression.

He couldn’t possibly be mentally ill right? No, it was just him making things worse than they were. Yet it kept echoing through his entire being. What if it was all he was?  
In an attempt to figure it all out he found his pc and logged into his old Tumblr account. An account he had previously used for both his goth phase (though the other south park goths would have been against such conformist ways), and other secrets he didn't dare share.

Slowly he typed in the letters: D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N

He was immediately met with a message:  
“Everything okay? If you or someone you know are experiencing any type of crisis, please know there are people who care about you and are here to help. Consider chatting confidentially with a volunteer trained in crisis intervention at www.imalive.org, or anonymously with a trained active listener from 7 Cups of Tea. It might also be nice to fill your dash with inspirational and supportive posts from –“  
He flinched a bit at the message, then scared to continue, he hit “view search results”.

It was eerie to watch the images and posts pop op. Some mix of suicidal folk talking about relief and others trying to make people like him fight. He felt uncomfortable seeing the usual memes in this light. But the words spoke out to him, described in vivid detail the very thoughts he had every day. And he kept scrolling and scrolling and the words continued, and he didn’t understand how depression could just be this. Then he came across a particular post that made him understand a lot more than he’d ever expected.

He just stared at the flickering screen. He let himself scroll a bit further.  
He read through what felt like pages of poems and expressive writing to describe other people’s problems. It felt so wrong that all his feelings could be put into words that easily. Most of the images featured girls, it made him a bit unmotivated.  
‘I’m a wuss this is a women’s disease’ he thought. But he didn’t get to keep the thought for long because then male suicide rates became present. A statement about not being apart of a statistic, a praise of surviving another day, the confirmation that depression didn’t care about your situations in life in between the screams for help. They kept answering his questions the more he kept reading and reading. 

He changed his username to then: repulsive-raven. That seemed about right and in tune with the other account names. He found himself a new header and changed it as well.

Because he wasn’t giving up, but he liked this space, a space where multiple people understood him. He liked the notes people wrote and started reposting a bunch of posts he related to. Though along with them came fears, stories of people not understanding or not caring. His mother would care but he didn’t want her to know. His father wouldn’t and he didn’t care if he did no matter how far away from home his mother had placed to get his life together. He hoped his mother would not treat them like father like son. Though too many of their problems were similar to be comfortable with.¨

He chose a few accounts to follow that didn’t feature too many girls showing off their bone-thin bodies and talked about how ‘he’ broke them, but still in the black and white theme with those big words he would never say out loud. With gifs around every corner he started a list of shows and movies that discussed these issues. He found a million depression tests from everything like an actual psychology website to qoutev. 

He didn’t come down for dinner, his mother and sister barely saw him that night. He stayed up until he passed out on his bed which wasn’t rare since he usually couldn’t sleep anyway. Something he discovered wasn’t uncommon either.  
So, waking up the next morning had him on an overdose of information, 3 hours of sleep and terrified with thoughts of how his friends would act around him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize how much projecting I did in this story now, heavy editing on Stans dialogue to be more in character on god.  
> Also, I remember making this stuff up back when I first wrote this so it's all a mix between imagination and my experience in the mental health system.


	8. Back to school

Monday morning the boys met at the bus stop as usual. One difference was Stan's more visible anxiety. He fidgeted with his feet and didn’t look over at any of the guys. Though concerned and exchanging glances both Kenny and Kyle decide not to comment.   
They were the only ones at this bus stop and there was surprisingly many for their city's size. The bus ride wasn't as surprising, but to the other passenger, it was odd that the trio did not speak the entire time.

The atmosphere emanating from the group was quite apparent to their classmates as they entered their school. The bags under Stan's eyes, Kyle's hesitance and Kenny's avoidance of speaking, as usual, were all very apparent. 

Stan walked like he was an NPC set to this route. He did not answer the good morning he got in the hall, did not care for the gazes, and walked into his first-class without talking to anyone. The teacher at the table looked at him in confusion, having never had the noirette come this early.

His trance was kept for a while. He watched his classmates storm in, chatting to each other. Another raven-haired boy entered the room almost last minute. He noticed Stan's stare and nodded at him to say hello. Craig broke Stan's trance.  
Stan picked up his bag not even bothering to wear it. He ran past Craig out the door as the bell rang. His teacher yelled after him, but he was long gone. He ran out the back not to be noticed as much.

Turning around the corner he spotted the goth kids and another more familiar figure: Kenny. He was allowed to stand with them if the only thing he did was smoke. Something about owing Kenny a favor, it seemed everyone owed Kenny a favor. Maybe even Stan did himself. 

Kenny spotted him and immediately threw his cigarette to the ground to put it out. Stan sprinted past him mumbling ‘shit’ and heard yet another shout of his name.

Looking back for a second, he could see his blonde friend chasing after him.

“STAN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!” he shouted.

Stan couldn't respond he just wanted to get away from there. 

To the right was stark's pond, he couldn’t go there it was too hard to get around. As he moved left he spotted the houses start right in front of him. The thought of running home hit him, but he didn’t want to be there. It was way more likely that someone would spot them there and being chased wasn’t exactly unnoticeable. 

He slung his backpack onto his shoulder and turned left into the city, something he regretted instantly but couldn’t take back. 

Turning left again would send him towards the police station. Though the ignorant police of south park didn’t do much maybe they’d take this differently. Kenny with his dirty clothes, messy hair and ripped jeans. He looked close to one of their local homeless people. Even if most of the police knew him they weren’t on good terms because of where he lived and who he lived with. That’s the kind of cops they were. 

He turned right, away he knew if he ran too far would send him right past his mom’s workplace. Stan got past the town hall and could see unplanned parenthood getting close and closer. 

Stan kept running he could increasingly feel his body get heavier and heavier. He started slowing down, but his blonde friend did not. Despite not having an interest in any sport (and not being able to afford it if he had), Kenny ran surprisingly fast. Whatever he had to run from prepared him for situations like this.

He decided running into the playground would be the best option. It was school time, so it was empty except for the few kids who were skipping. 

He collapsed behind the playset that had gotten a lot of new installations since the last time he was small enough to use it. Panting heavily, he awaited the blonde's presence.

And in front him Kenny appeared. He wasn't as out of breath as Stan, but he was still breathing heavily. He put his hands in his worn-down jacket pockets and looked at the noirette. 

“Stan-” he started trying to pick his words carefully “-what?” He gave into his confusion.

“I can't take that kind of tension dude. God damn it why can't you guys just act normal?! This is fucking weird and just attracting more attention that I don't want!”

“duuude” Kenny plopped himself down beside Stan. He sat cross-legged and leaned on the playset. 

“I'm sorry we put extra pressure on you I don't think we know how to act. You looked so down this morning I didn't know what to say.”

“Just act normal, please. I thought you said you'd be there. I don’t want things to change because of this shit.” Stan wrapped his arms around his legs.

“Stan, seeing you like is so new to us. You being open like that this morning was kind of a big fucking eye-opener. Things are gonna change but only for the better I promise.” He smiled reassuringly at his friend. 

“I hope so” Stan sighed. 

The two spend a bit of time just sitting there beside each other and looking at the sky. At some point, Kenny must have grabbed a pack of smokes that he stored somewhere because Stan was now presented with the offer of having one. He didn’t look at the boy, just took one of the 3 cigarettes left in the pack and let Kenny light it. 

“You’re almost out” Stan stated

“They’re my dad’s” he responded and placed the unicorn lighter in his jean pocket. Stan was sure he’d gotten it years ago for a birthday. The fact that the cheap plastic item was still in good shape didn’t surprise Stan much. Kenny appreciated everything he got, the only thing he let damage was his clothes. And those he could talk his way into getting for free at pretty much any thrift shop. Stan wasn’t completely sure how just something about owing favors. 

“Won’t he notice they’re gone and get pissed?” Stan questioned.

“Like my drug addict dead beat of a dad pays attention to that kind of shit” Kenny puffed out a bit of smoke on the side of his mouth.

“Your mom maybe?” Stan pushed for a bit more information.

“It doesn’t matter how many times they overdose, Stan, they’re not gonna stop,” Kenny responded.

“Much worse than when we were younger huh” Stan spoke.

“Yeah, I’m pretty much working full time as Karen’s parent now. I’m just trying to keep them alive, so they won’t take us away.” People knew about Kenny’s parents but only around his best friend’s he’d tell the truth in detail. He seemed like an open book but even he had some hidden chapters. 

“If they were gonna come for you don’t you think they’d done that years ago?” Stan pointed out. 

“Yeah, the cops would probably just let us be homeless. Maybe pass us off as black so they can shoot us or something” Kenny commented on their useless cops. 

“Keeping your parents alive seems better” 

“Told you so”

“What’s happening with your brother now?” Stan knew Kevin didn’t live with them anymore but hadn’t got much new information on him. 

“Well after he moved out as soon as he legally could, he started sending us things. Parents haven’t noticed yet and they don’t talk about him unless they're arguing.” 

“What does he send?” Stan spoke curiously. 

“Jewelry and shower products for Karen. Mostly just money to me.”

“That you spend on Karen” Stan stated. 

“That I spend on Karen” Kenny agreed.

Both boys started laughing. Kenny always put his little sister first and was angry at Kevin for leaving them behind at first. But after a few months, he expressed how he understood his decision. He’d just wished he’d taken Karen with him out of the hell hole he lived in but also recognized that Karen’s friends we’re in south park.

“See this is what I want, none of that wondering if you can say a word to me.” Stan stared seriously at his friend.

“Got it” Kenny nodded.

“Good” Stan let himself relax again.

After a while of sitting and smoking they decided to leave to go get a new pack. Stan made him promise he wouldn’t tell Kyle he was smoking. Kenny knew that Kyle already knew but he didn’t tell. Acting like it wasn’t obviously wasn’t very hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting to the end of chapters I had already written so it's gonna go slower from now on with updating


	9. Communication

Later that evening Kyle invited him to go play basketball. It had been a long while since they had played together but Stan didn’t think much of it when he showed up at the court at dusk.

“Hey dude” Kyle waved.

“What brings us to the court tonight?” Stan spoke as he approached, hands in his jacket.

“Basketball” Kyle picked up the ball sitting on the ground.

“No other motives?”

“Oh, many, but let's just play” Kyle snickered and threw him the ball.

“It’s been so long I barely remember” Stan spoke in nostalgia.

“Oh, come on its like riding a bike” 

In response, Stan not so elegantly dribbled the ball a bit.

“see?” Kyle smirked. 

Stan attempted to dribble past him but Kyle quickly got the ball from him again.

“Not so fast there” he chuckled.

“I remember when we used to do this a lot, kinda miss it,” Stan stated, he found it quite somber.

“Well lucky for you, your super best friend owns a basketball and has been advised to exercise more for his physical health” Kyle smiled. “We can start playing again if you want”

“Maybe that would be nice, I miss hanging out just us two, not that we don’t I guess.” Stan rambled.

“Do you wanna go back to being back to our parents saying we’re superglued together? Because honestly” Kyle trailed off. Stan took this opportunity to get the ball back. 

“Hey!” Kyle stormed towards him, to which Stan put his arms in the air.

Kyle stopped and quite infuriated, looked him in the eyes. He was too short. “This is why my dreams of being a basketball player could never be. I wish I could tell you this isn’t how basketball is played but you got me, you got me on something that doesn’t even break the rules.” Stan started laughing, a good, genuine laugh. He tried hitting the hoop but miserably failed.

“At least I have made you laugh on my side” Kyle commented. Stan really liked it when he made him laugh. 

They played for a bit with mostly Kyle re-explaining the rules to Stan and some more failed attempts to hit the hoop. Kyle blamed his height every time he missed his so eventually Stan decided to lift him.

“Woah stop right there I’m not some petite blonde you’re flirting with.” Kyle blushed, taken aback and ball in hand.

“Just shoot” Stan stated, hoping he’d do it before he regretted his actions too much.

Kyle shot and scored. Stan but him now as they both exclaimed in victory and high fived. Though their hands held together for a bit longer than they should have and Stan breathed in heavily. Kyle looked at him, comforting, almost motherly. 

“I know Kenny told you to talk to me” Stan breathed.

“He hinted at it”

“I don’t really know what to say,” Stan said, letting go of Kyle in defeat.

“Well I’m sorry about this morning but I’m sure you got the whole thing from Kenny already” Stan nodded at Kyles words.

“Have you thought about telling your parents? You know about him suggesting more serious treatment?” Kyle questioned, grabbing both stans shoulders.

“Haven’t thought about much other than this-“he pointed at his head “this is pretty fucked up right here” Kyle squeezed his shoulders in response. 

Stan put his hand on Kyle’s. He felt comfort at this moment, wanting more. Maybe even embrace? Anything to make him feel safe but all he did was hand his hand on Kyles placed on his shoulder as they both looked away. 

Kyle sighed and opened his arms “Come here" he offered. Kyle always seemed to know what he wanted so Stan embraced him. He doesn’t usually hug, the last person was probably his mom and he couldn’t remember ever hugging any other friend than Kyle since well forever. It was nice, intimate even. If Cartman was here he would’ve called them gay long ago but even if that thought entered his mind, he did not pay attention to it. He stayed still as Kyle wrapped himself around him. It was nice.

“You’ll be an alright dude”

“I hope so” Stan stated, showing a small sense of hope he hadn’t felt in a while.

“Wanna skip school tomorrow like we used to?” Kyle suggested into the open air.

“Yeah”

It was afternoon, Stan and Kyle had been hanging out the entire day. So far, they'd pretty much only eaten and played games. They'd taken a break and somehow come to silence.  
Sharon wasn't home, she had to work Tom’s Rhinoplasty as usual. She didn't know where the boys had been a week prior. She didn't know her son was struggling or else she might have used those days off now.  
His sister was home but she was playing music with the door closed in her room. Some boyband that matched the posters on her walls. Occasionally they heard her shriek.

Kyle was sitting on Stan's bed. He was sitting cross-legged fumbling with his hands.

“Stan, can I ask you something?” He tried, raising his eyes but kept his head down.

Stan turned around from where he was standing and thinking. He nodded.

“Do you trust me enough to tell me when you're struggling?” Kyle asked.

“Haven’t I done so far?” Stan spoke simply. 

It wasn't quite the problem if he trusted Kyle or not it was more where to start. Sure, he'd helped him a lot so far but it was still hard to explain his feelings. And most of all he felt guilty about dragging his friends through such a thing. But now he was in it and didn't know if he should resist.

“You know I can take it right? I don't want any of that sappy you only tell me some of it shit because you don't want to strain me. I want you to know you can tell me as much as you want whenever you want” Kyle had bruiting seriousness in his eyes but a soft smile on his lips. 

And again, it was like Kyle knew what he was thinking every time he had doubts. Though they had known each other forever he was grateful his super best friend knew him that well.

“Ask me now” Stan started feeling a sense of comfort in where the conversation was leading.

“What?” Kyle exclaimed in confusion.

“You clearly have something on your mind. Ask me.” Stan stated.

Because as much as Kyle knew him, Stan knew Kyle. The friendship didn't just go one way. Stan knew his underlying hate for his old hat but his bigger embarrassment of his ginger features, particularly his “jew-fro”. A thing Stan couldn't quite understand. Something about standing out from his family. His philosophical wonderings that Stan could barely keep up with and how he often held himself back from being too complicated in his language.  
How stubborn he became when he was ordered to do something even if he'd have done it on his own. How that resulted in not doing anything because he didn't want the person to have the satisfaction of controlling him. The way he rolled up his sleeves when he was focused and the extra freckles he got in summer. 

The way he kept collective and stated things when he had something to back it up. Of course, only when he wasn't hanging out with his friends, it seemed to make the boy more spontaneous.   
That's why how he reacted in the little mitch-matched room with Mr. Morrison hit so hard. And why it was important to Stan that Kyle got to speak his mind now. 

“I do have something on my mind,” Kyle said looking Stan right in the eyes.

“Ask”

“Do you… -” Kyle took a break to swallow and softened his voice “-hurt yourself?”

It shouldn't have come as a shock to Stan, Kyle had always been forward with his problems and concerns. 

‘He probably sat up reading articles on the internet like he always does when he feels clueless’ Stan couldn't help but think. He decided there was no point in lying, he was so far in this it couldn’t matter that much anymore. And honestly he for whatever reason felt less like keeping secrets from Kyle than anyone else.

He then sighed deeply and nodded heavily.

“Show me, maybe?” Kyle tried, not thinking he'd get as far as he had. In reality, he had no idea what he was being.

Stan’s entire being felt heavy. His muscles strained in stress and a headache threatened to overcome his thoughts. Yet he just nervously ran his hand through his hair and contemplated, never saying a word.   
Then he slowly moved his hands to his belt and began to unbuckle his pants.

“Whoa, wait, what?” Kyle exclaimed in confusion.

Before having unbuckled his pants completely Stan checked to lock the door and turned back to Kyle. “I’ll show you” he stated, seemingly apathetic. 

“Oh,” He responded, embarrassed at his sudden remark.

Stan let his pants fall and stepped out them before moving to the bed and letting Kyle see, all of his scars in plain view. They weren’t pretty, how could they be? Such slashes and gashes of old and new lines up and down on his inner thigh. Nobody saw them, they almost couldn’t get any closer to him. Just layers scratched away skin and small wounds that looked like they’d pop if you touched them even ever so slightly. Scabbed with a range of, black, stages of red and even the yellow infected ones.   
Kyle reached his arm out just a bit, but it was quickly stopped by Stan’s grip at his wrist. Kyle only then understood what he was doing, what he was looking at.

“So, you do” He spoke very quietly. Stan looked away, feeling himself shaking.

“Why did you show me?” Kyle attempted to grasp his look back.

“I mean you asked but I told you, I trust you”

“Would you show Kenny if he was the one asking?” Kyle asked further, like he was trying to find a connection or to justify, a point that was more or less of importance in this moment of revealing yourself. 

“Probably not” Stan continued to speak in small portions of words, it was just too painful in his throat. 

“Please, if you ever want to hurt yourself again: call me. I’ll be with you in two minutes if you need me to. I can even come and make sure you wake up in the morning like I did when were younger.” Kyle suggested.

Stan pulled his legs together on the bed and looked down into his duvet. He nodded and made an approving noise. Kyle took as a yes to both ideas. Kyle tried reaching out to him but Stan retracted his body, uncomfortable.

“You should tell Kenny as well, you know he has the same views as me, right?”

Stan once again made an approving noise to answer Kyle's question.

“I want to be the one who does,” Stan spoke only just audible enough for Kyle to hear.

“Dude of course, that makes sense” Kyle spoke as he’d usually do, settling the mood to bit more of casual tone.

“Thanks” Stan sighed. He rubbed his eyes with his hand, now wet with a single salty drop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attempts at continuing certain characters relations to each other


	10. Wednesday

The bell chimes as they head for class. Stan sits in his usual seat beside Clyde, Kenny behind him sitting next to Craig. Kyle didn’t have math with them, he had some AP calculus class at this time. Stan wasn’t sure if he wanted to take them for himself or his parents’ but their schedules had barely matched up for a few years. This year they had 2 classes together. 

He sat a bit distracted by his own thoughts, so much had happened these last few days it was hard to focus on the numbers and statistics on the board. He tapped his foot a bit and fidgeted with his hands. He would groan but he’s too caught up at staring at the formula in confusion.

When they were handed worksheets, he wasn’t sure what to do either, the explication they just had didn’t quite sink in. So, he sat staring again, thinking about everything. He had wanted to burn himself after Kyle left last night but he didn’t, it felt wrong thinking about Kyle’s reactions while actively going against his wishes. 

It was all just so much to process right now, too much. 

He snapped out of his daze, staring at the next question. He had an idea of this one, it had been a while since they had about it but he remembered some things. He tried starting but felt lost when he got halfway through. He didn’t have his notes on him, barely packed his backpack in time this morning. 

There were just too many things and thinking about his friends worrying about them frustrated him even more. He needed to stop one of the stress factors so badly. One of his addictions maybe? It was all he felt he had any say over.  
He immediately brushed off drinking, it had been his earliest addiction and he saw no reason to quit it. Nobody knew it was a problem anyways, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal and Shelly had just overreacted that one time. Teens drink and so did Stan. 

So then there was the smoking or the scars. Smoking was more universally approved, nothing he had to particularly hide as soon as he got to the right age. His dad smoked too and a lot of teens did so that one was easy to explain away.  
And Kyle knew about it. What would get the worst looks? A 16-year-old self-harming or smoking? Yeah, he’d rather keep the smoking. His mom would be upset about either but maybe she would just blame it on his friend group if it was about nicotine addiction. Maybe she would buy him some gum and call it a day. 

So left was the harm he did to himself, or actually so was the other things but this one was apparently and more physically obvious. He thought it over again, the way Kyle had spoken. He thought about last night’s urges. What if he quit? It was his only issue that had really been discovered so maybe everything would be fine if I got it solved. He could keep to his other methods as a backup. 

And so, he decided he should quit, for if he wanted to hurt, he could always do other things, right? 

Before he knew it, the bell rang again. He met Kenny in the hall who hurried it off after saying “see ya tomorrow” to the raven-haired. 

Stan stood against the wall for a bit as a flood of students passed by. Clyde noticed him and elbowed Craig. “Ow what the fuck man” he swore.

“Look, stan! Your little gay crush” Clyde teased.

“Clyde Donovan, I am being sincere with you her when I tell you I do not have a crush on, my occasional buddy Stan Marsh,” Craig said, frustrated as he snapped his head towards his best friend. 

“Oh, come on! I totally have a gaydar and its totally pointing at you two together” He pointed at the to boys and crossed his arms to point at the other.

“You lose brain cells every day” Craig sighed. The crowd in front of them had somewhat cleared and Craig decided to humor his friend by approaching Stan.

“Hey fuckward” He said.

“Hey giraffe” Stan spoke, rather calmly as the other boy towered over him. Craig was tall, very tall and rather awkward in his posture. Stan felt it both gave him authority and the opportunity to take him less seriously when he pulled out a friendly insult.

“Clyde thinks I’ve got a crush on you” Craig states bluntly.

Stan chocked on his breath. “I thought you had enough of our gang when you fucked around with Kenny last year” He chuckled. 

Craig and Kenny had dated a little over a year ago, most people knew or had an idea it was going on but nobody was quite sure when it ended. One day they just stopped hanging out as much or going by the title and nobody really kept track of how long they’d lasted. Even though Stan wasn’t quite sure what happened between the two he knew it hadn’t ended too sour since they still hung out together at social gatherings. He had once asked Kenny how long they’d dated and Kenny wasn’t quite himself where the relationship ended and began. Kyle had guessed 3 months.

“I did” He responded and scowled at Clyde. 

Clyde paid no mind. “I thought you said everyone was a little gay” He chuckled and shrugged

“I say that when you’re being obnoxiously straight and or annoying” Craig put his hand on Clyde’s shoulder. “Like right now, you’re being pretty gay” 

Clyde pouted and swatted Craig's hand away.

“Why are you waiting?” Clyde directed himself towards Stan who had bared witness to the whole thing. 

“Kyle still has a class left”

“Well good Wednesday afternoon then Stan” Clyde did a little curtsy with an imaginary dress and jogged off with a disapproving Craig following him. 

Once Kyles class was done, they had walked home as they usually did. Stan didn’t always wait for Kyle but today he wanted to talk to him about his plans. 

“And then he called Clyde gay” Stan stated retelling the events that occurred without Kyles presence.

“Dude why am I never there to see Craig act like that. I only ever see him being apathetic or drunk at parties” Kyle commented.

“Dude I have no idea how I befriended him but it’s very entertaining”

“On the gay note, I’ve been reading some statistics- “ 

“-of course, you have” Stan cut him off.

“shut up. I’ve been reading some statistics and there should really be more gay people than Mr slave, gay Al, Kenny, and Craig” Kyle stated. South Park wasn’t the biggest town but statistically, Kyle was right.

“Just because the town accepted it when Craig and Tweek dated when we were like 12 doesn’t mean it’s gonna be a pleasurable experience for another non-straight person. There are probably more gay people, most likely less stereotypical than Al and his husband.” Stan commented. He thought about his dad again as he had done a lot lately. His dad was definitely homophobic. 

“I guess that’s true, what even happened to Tweek?” Kyle wondered as they turned a corner on their walk.

“No idea, I think someone said he transferred?” Stan suggested.

“But why is he not here but his parents are? It’s not like they’d leave that jittery boy alone” Kyle questioned. He always picked up on things others didn’t. It was in the end how he ended up involved with Stan’s issues too.

“No idea man” Stan shrugged.

They walked in silence for a minute or two after this while Stan gathered his courage. He had already decided he was going to quit but now that he had to say it, it was harder than imagined.

“So, I was thinking about yesterday” He started, taking a deep breath.

“Yes?” Kyle perked up from whatever thoughts he was deeply enveloped in.

“I’m gonna try to quit” He breathed out, avoiding to mention the issue directly.

“stop? Stop smoking?” Kyle asked, visually looking puzzled. “oh, wait I know what you mean ah fuck” He facepalmed.

Stan looked at him, dumbfounded. “How did you know I smoked?”

“It’s pretty obvious Stan, didn’t even need my galaxy brain for that one,” Kyle said, pointing at his head where his brain would be.

“Well fuck” 

“But that’s good, call me you’re struggling?” Kyle suggested with a comforting smile, warming Stan up to the idea. It was the same offer as yesterday but that he stuck by it helped set it in stone.

“Sure” Stan shrugged at they reached their parting point. 

“See you”

“See you,” Stan said then breathed out heavily. 

As much as he didn’t like the returning feeling of magnets getting pulled apart, he had to leave Kyle here. He wishes he didn’t have to go home alone. He didn’t want what was eventually going to be him going over what he had gone wrong to let Kyle know about another one of his issues. It was all so out his hands and he hated it. Maybe he should’ve invited Kyle over. He always felt safer with him.

When he returned home, he threw himself on his bed and picked up his phone. All he desired was to talk to Kyle but the point of inviting him over had already been passed. Stan decided to just send him a meme to see if he was online and he quickly responded. He asked about the homework and eventually, they chatted for a bit. Stan felt a bit of relief as he checked the new message, he got to the group chat he was in with Kenny and Kyle.

He glanced at the previously happenings in the group before continuing

Stan set Kyles name to “green goblin”

Kyle set Stans name to “Peter Parker”

Stan set his own name to “emo Peter Parker”

Kenny set his own name to “Deadpool but cooler”

Kyle set Kenny’s name to “Deadpool”

It had been some conversation about what superhero characters they were turned to mockery and eventually Kenny just claiming Deadpool for himself. Kyle had not been happy with stan for adding “emo” to his nickname but Stan thought it was funny.  
Green goblin: What if we had a sleepover Friday? It’s been months. 

Deadpool: sure

Emo Peter Parker: My place?

Green goblin: Unless you wanna deal with Ike’s bedtime then yes

Deadpool: I’ll be there

Emo Peter Parker: cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I just wanted to write dialogue when I wrote this so yeah.  
> Also, the nicknames were just the first things that came to mind so you'll have to live with that.


	11. Nostalgia

“Oh my god, they killed Kenny!” Stan exclaimed.

“Those bastards!” Kyle added in frustration, grabbing his controller harder. 

Kenny fell back on the couch between them with a ‘thump’ and sighed “I told you they ganged up on me” He stated, calmly and sighed. 

Stan and Kyle were focusing hard on the screen where their co-op game was running. They were far from bad. They had all three had this game for ages and played it numerous times at sleepovers just like this. Furthermore, Kyle and Stan often defaulted to the game when they were blank on what to play together. 

“Where the fuck are you dude?!” Kyle almost yelled at the boy sitting at the other side of the couch. 

“At the house, at the house! Shit!” Stan yelled back as he was attacked by another opponent. 

“What house? Be more specific!” Kyle was frustrated at this point.

“At the – I died” Stan blinked as he held the controller still in his hand. 

“God damn it, Stan. Now I’m alone” Kyle groaned.

“Sorry” Kenny chirped from his nook of the sofa that involved sliding in so deep between the cushions as he could as he sipped his soda. 

Stan looked at him, he seemed so calm as he put the beverage to his mouth. His fingers were covered in small cuts and his nails painted and peeled black. He wore three rings, two, on one hand, two on the other. Kenny smiled as he ran a hand through his tangled blonde hair. He liked seeing his friends like this, chill, hanging out, everything was fine at that moment. 

Then Kyle died. “Motherfucker” He gritted his teeth. Kyle had a bit of a temper and when he was mad about it, he stayed mad. 

Kyle sighed and leaned back on the sofa as well. He wasn’t genuinely mad or Stan would’ve known already. He wore a mid-tone green hoodie with a brighter orange band around his torso, one of his more relaxed outfits. 

“Anyone want some snacks?” Sharon peaked out from the kitchen, she quite liked Kyle And Kenny and desired to be a good host to them

“I’ll get them mom” Stan stood, taking a few steps towards the kitchen.

“Anyone want anything?” He asked as he spun around towards his friends.

Kenny chucked the last bit of his soda and jerked up from the sofa. “If I may get it to go” 

“You’re leaving?” Kyle questioned as he also sat up from the depths of cushions. 

“Promised Karen I would be there; she’s having Tricia over and my parents aren’t home” He bounced onto his legs.

“Damn dude then it’s just us tonight” Stan stated as he turned towards his super best friend.

“Sick dude, like old times” They fist-bumped.

“Come into the kitchen Kenny and you’ll get something to give the girls too” Sharon smiled as she once again peaked into the living room connected to the kitchen.

Kenny came back with a small plastic bag and Sharon patted his back “Now take good care of them” She spoke.

“Will do” he responded.

“See ya later dude” Stan said.

“Yeah see ya” Kyle mimicked.

Kenny opened the door “see you soon assholes” he waved and disappeared before Sharon could make any protest of what he had just called the other boys. 

She didn’t give it more than a second before she spoke again “The mattress is in your room, Stanley. I’ll be going to bed soon you know I have extra work tomorrow so don’t be too loud.” she smiled at her son. 

“Thanks” Stan answered as she disappeared upstairs.

“Wanna go upstairs too?” Stan asked, checking his phone, it was about half 10.

“Yeah, let’s get in PJs and do a movie marathon, really hone in on this reliving our childhoods thing” Kyle clenched his fists in joy.

Stan was in agreement so they excitedly joined hands in a high-five. They descended upstairs after they had gathered some snacks from the kitchen and turned off the tv. When they got there, they changed into their pajamas. 

Stan wore an old Edgar Allen Poe shirt that he would never wear in public again and some loose red-checkered pajamas pants. “Hey, can I borrow a shirt?” Kyle questioned. Stan had managed to change with his back turned to him until now and then stood in front of his shirtless best friend.

“uh yeah,” He stated as he turned back again. He was unsure why he felt embarrassed, they had seen each other in this state many times. Even further they had PE together so he had even seen him naked before plenty of times. He theorized the red on his face had something to do with the recent happenings. 

He shuffled through his old shirts and stumbled upon one of his old childhood shirts. His face lit up as he turned around and held it out towards Kyle.

“I do not think I’m gonna fit in that” Kyle commented.

“Dude look at it,” Stan said, excited. 

Kyle unfolded the shirt and held it up “no way dude I totally threw all my old Terrance and Phillip shit, I used to have the whole set.” He spoke, amazed at the shirt. It was a blue long-sleeved shirt and featured their old childhood idols on the front.

Stan remembered their sleepovers from when they were younger, much likes this one, in his room both wearing Terrance and Phillip merch probably watching the Terrance and Phillip movie. He remembered his old bedsheets and how he used to bundle up close to Kyle and talk under the covers. And now he is blushing again as he smiles, it was nice to revisit memories of old times.

“but no matter how much nostalgia I might get I don’t think I’m going to gain the ability to shrink to this size” Kyle chuckled.

Stan stared at his still naked chest. There were freckles there to match his face, and those only supported the red curly mess on top of his head. He wasn’t exactly very underweight looking but he was more slender than toned. Stan noted his nice silhouette, the curve of his back and the bony especially freckled shoulders.

Kyle handed him the shirt and he pulled back to reality to find him a shirt that actually fit in the closet. It was a big ocean-themed t-shirt and Kyle gladly took it and got it over his head. Stan had never noted how long his hands were before now, they matched the rest of the rather slender and bony body. He sat down on the mattress and signaled for Stan to come to sit next to him, which he did.

They scrolled through Netflix for a while, wondering what would be most entertaining to binge-watch at this hour. They settled on an old trilogy they had watched once before though not together. They agreed it would be good to continue the nostalgia and they only needed one good reason to choose a movie to start with.

“Look this is what I was talking about it’s so dumb” Kyle gestured to the tv as the main character did indeed do something stupid. 

“is this badly written or is she meant to be dumb?” Stan questioned and looked over towards Kyle who was shoveling popcorn into his mouth.

“I have no idea but no matter what she was the intention, she is a moron with no sense of caution,” Kyle said in annoyance. 

He always seemed to be slightly annoyed at something but Stan could tell when it was genuine and when it was over-exaggeration. Like when Cartman was brought up, he had a certain look in his eye of a fire burning brighter and his body language became stronger, his voice more willing to break. Stan wondered if everyone else knew their best friends this well or it came with the ‘super’ best friend label. He’d never known someone as well and he really had no other desire to. 

He wondered if he would if he got a girlfriend again. But then again, he didn’t want a girlfriend, hadn’t for a long time now. He didn’t even want to try. If it was for his self-worth or something else, he could not fully tell. Or maybe he was one of those poor closeted gays of a small town like south park. Now even his thoughts seemed quite ridiculous. He thought about having a boyfriend for a moment but he felt the same about girlfriends, meeting some random person and doing those types of things? No thanks. All he wanted was to be here with Kyle right now, to hang out with his friends and be alright.

So, when the first movie ended and he started the next he was not exactly against it when Kyle hesitantly leaned up against him. They were sitting again his bed on the mattress Kyle was supposed to sleep on. Being as pale as he was Stan quickly noticed Kyles blush though he looked unfaced. Kyle shuffled a bit further towards him now sitting leg to leg next to Stan. Kyle put away his almost empty bowl of popcorn to the side and pulled the covers up over them. Then Stan noticed him smile slightly but he was unsure if it was the movie or not because he had not paid attention to it. 

“I love this part” Kyle stated with a more prominent smile and a soft tone in his voice. 

Stan then looked at the tv, letting his arm relax around the floor behind Kyle's back. Something about the touch of their legs felt strange. It felt like he had never touched Kyle before though he definitely had even that night with their high-five. This was just different in a way he couldn’t quite place either.

The movie continued and on their third movie, he heard Kyle yawn. He looked at the time and saw it was 2 am. “I’m getting tired” Kyle muttered quietly.

He looked up at Stan then bonked his head in his shoulder. “I give up I can’t do marathons anymore”

“Then I guess the nostalgia trip ends here” Stan responded; he found the boy on his shoulder to be acting a bit peculiar tonight. 

“Doesn’t have to, I mean we tell secrets under the covers like when we tried to make fun of the girls but then actually took it a bit too seriously” Kyle rambled slightly. 

Stan nodded and sunk, softly a bit further down towards the floor. Kyle looked him in the eyes softly. Stan noted how dazed he looked as he once again put his head in his shoulder. 

“Okay we’re going to bed” Stan stated, trying to pull away to reach the remote. Kyle groaned and put his body weight more and more on stan so he was unable to properly move. Stan managed to get the remote and turn odd the tv before he felt crushed.   
Stan tried to push him off playfully but Kyle was clinging his head to him like the metaphorical magnets Stan had used to describe the feelings he felt around him. Then he pulled out his biggest weapon, he slung his arms around stan and tackled him to half lay down.

“mmm, sleep” Kyle stated, closing his eyes.

“I would like to quit my position as a pillow”

“Denied” Kyle teased, though still closed eyes. He sounded like a toddler wanting his will.

Stan shuffled to a more comfortable position on the mattress and was about to say something to Kyle again when he noticed his soft expression. Kyle looked so relaxed he could almost imagine him having fallen asleep already. His body rose and fell as he still had an arm on Stan. Then he started lightly snoring. Stan sighed, he was going to regret sleeping on the floor in the morning, there was hardly space for the two on the mattress and if anyone was going to get pushed off it would be Stan. Yet he laid and eventually drifted to sleep, everything felt a bit off.

When he awoke the next morning Kyle’s back was turned to him and they were slightly apart. Kyle was awake on his phone and Stan yawned to alert him. Kyle sat up promptly. 

“Thank god, I’m starving,” Kyle said, relived.

“You could’ve just woken me up” Stan stated, rubbing his eyes.

“I wanted you to have the rest” Kyle assured him.

Stan rose from the bed to look at his own phone and see what the time was. “I slept a lot huh. I haven’t slept much recently” He commented.

“I know,” Kyle said as he exited the door and awaited Stan to follow him. Stan did not remember telling Kyle about his sleeping habits but maybe it was more obvious than he thought. 

Kyle left after breakfast and Stan stood cleaning the plates in the kitchen. The loneliness quickly crept over him and hugged him tightly. He felt heavy and his hands moved slower than before. He had hoped the long stay together would have fueled him for a bit longer but clearly it didn’t. The distractions had gone and now he was alone with himself. 

Eventually, he got to his room, he felt heavy, very heavy. He couldn’t help but sigh as he had done quite frequently lately. He was not okay and he did not trust himself to be alone. But here he was.

He did not answer when Shelly told him she was leaving to hang out with a friend.


	12. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is double the normal length so brace yourself

The house was empty.

Shelly was out and his mother was working. Alone like was so used to by now. He couldn’t call Kyle, not yet.

He moved to the side on his bed, picked up his phone and considered his bottom drawer. He logged into his account and tapped to write but was blank on what to say. He browsed his feed.

The thoughts swarmed in his head, he stood up and walked in circles. Pondered again and again if he should act on what cluttered his mind. Only a rare thought was his friends and the offers to help when he most needed it. All of the emotions rushed in his bloodstream to his leg, which he subsequently kicked as hard as he could into his bed frame. It hurt and pulsated but confirmed what Stan desired.

He typed a new status to his account “How much does it cost to die?”. He knew he was being dramatic but it was how his thoughts had gone. He threw his phone on his bed and went to the bottom drawer. The bottle was buried under old team shirts and sweaters he never wore anymore. Took a swig of alcohol, not caring for the kind he’d grabbed. He then bolted out the door, out of the house, and down the street in a panicked rush. Didn’t lock his door, didn’t need to. If anyone wanted to steal from anyone in south park it would have already been done.

The bell chimes as he enters one of south parks many small seemingly rather inconveniently sized but still known as convenience stores. Behind the counter, a familiar face takes her eyes off of her phone. Staring at him was Nichole Daniels. Barely more unique than any of the other cheerleaders, special only for the lack of colored people and her connection to the popular girls she still needed a part-time job and apparently that job was at the only place Stan knew of where he could retrieve what he desired.

Nichole rises from her seat as she’s spotted a display she could fix and make time pass with and disappears out of sight. He moves carefully along the side of the isles like they were part of a maze he had to navigate. He looks around quite aimlessly not knowing where his desired item would be placed. Nichole observed him from a distance, having only heard of a small amount of his recent behavior he may be the most interesting thing she’d see today.

“Need help for anything?” She asks into the room that is the entire store, just as she was taught. She hopes for something like a child watching an exhibit at a zoo waiting for the animal to move.

Stan started by shaking head but quickly realizes she can’t see him from the aisle he’s standing in. “No, thank you” He breaks his silence and feels the hard strain on his voice.

Moving around the next corner he spots what he desires, picks up his phone writes as a response to his previous post “Just 499$”. He considered grabbing the pack he was inspecting and his thoughts kept returning to the dark-skinned girl at the counter. What would she think?

He exited not long after he’d entered, clearly distressed. To soothe her curiosity Nichole investigated the place he’d stood before rushing out. Shaving products? Was he embarrassed about that because she was the one working there? She didn’t think much of it when she retrieved an item from the floor he had clearly knocked down, a pack of loose razor blades.

"What am I doing?" He questioned in a mumbling tone and crossed his arms tightly, putting off a few of the passersby in the street. Unfortunately, the brown jacket he wore had no hood, this meant hiding his distressed face from the familiar residence of South Park seemed impossible. He took a deep breath before letting his hands rest in his pockets and tried to walk calmly the rest of the way down the street.

He got a few waves, mostly from his mother's friends as he tried to find his way home once again. Before he managed, he bumped into yet another familiar face, this time his age and even two of them. It was Token accompanied by Clyde. They looked at Stan in confusion for a second, seeing his flustered face and scared demeanor.

"You okay dude?" Clyde started.

"Yeah, I'm fine why?"

"You don't look too good" Token spoke.

"Just tired, trying to quit something" Stan spoke in honesty with a quick smile. Though he'd have to quit a few things he wasn't sure what those guys knew, the smoking? The drinking? Probably not his scars. Addiction, it ran the family. He cursed at his dad’s genes.

"I heard gum is good" Token enlightened. The smoking. He wondered how many people knew of that by now. Small town, he guesses.

"Wait, what?" Clyde asked in confusion.¨

"Let's go" Token stated.

"No wait quit what? what gum? What?" Clyde kept asking as he was pulled away by his friend.

"Good luck, see you later Stan" Token waved as he tried silencing Clyde.

The rest of the walk home was the same. The same heavy head, same clinging to his own body. Nobody had robbed his belongings when he’d gotten home and nobody was there to see him exhale in strain.  
He returns to his room to take another swig from the bottle. It stung his throat as it went down and he turned around to look at his room. He moved to look at his desk. He stared at the last attempt at homework, a few pens and other stationery. School, School on Monday.

He seemed calm until he violently shoved his hands across the desk to push most of the items to the floor. He stomped and groaned as loudly as he could without screaming. The last time the house was fully empty was the day of the party before the rooftop one.

He smashed his fist against the wall and muttered something incomprehensible. He didn’t like his thoughts, he wanted them to go away. He hated being reminded of everything. Everything that was happening with him. He hated confronting that someone knew, multiple people knew. The wall took another blow from his fist.

He thought about the previous week’s good times. It was full of nostalgia, things that used to make him happy brought back for a moment to appreciate what he had. But it was only a moment. The pajamas were too small and Kyle had changed. It was longing after a time that used to be. He got a taste and now he was back, back to the life he had to face. His knuckles smashed into the wall another few times.

He needed a distraction.

He felt he couldn’t. He had promised not to. He hadn’t even told Kenny yet. He chuckled. He felt pathetic and his knuckles were red and sore. It all felt so stupid yet he still returned to the alcohol for a third time to drown out the thoughts of his friends. Stan wasn’t sure what to do so he took another gulp.

He stumbled into the hallway, he wasn’t drunk, he was disoriented. His head felt cloudy and the body he inhabited felt like a ragdoll, unreal. He moved slowly and carefully, placing foot in front of foot. He observed his surroundings hazily.

He observed his sister's half-open door. He moved closer, peaking into the room he rarely saw. Her walls were covered in posters and merchandise, both licensed and unlicensed, store-bought and DIY. A few collages here and there she had cut and made herself, he knew she gave some away to friends. On her table, there was a new project, a new collage surrounded by pictures and cardboard. And a hobby knife.

He stared at it for only a second before it was in his hands and he was in the hallway again. It was still all so foggy. Almost like every item in his way turned translucent.

The bathroom felt sickly white. Only the soap at the sink was a different color than the rest of the room. And he stood at that sink.

He looked up, seeing himself in the mirror. His eyes were dark and seemed anesthetized. His skin looked sallow. This was what they had seen. People he knew and had tried to seem okay around for so long. It was so obvious on his face. He has unmistakably been struggling with something. He despised the mere idea that it was so clear. And he despised the idea of what he was about to do wouldn’t make it less so.

His grip on the metal in his hand tightened. The murky thoughts had not dissolved. And he placed it near his arm. It was unusual for him to pick this position for something that would turn this obvious in the future but he did not let himself undress as to hide the position. Even more odd was his choice of harm. He did not choose lighter nor nails. He felt he needed something new, to accompany the new worries. He had involved his friends. Kyle, he didn’t listen to Kyle. His thoughts stung.

The metal tip touched his left forearm lightly. He inhaled sharply and his heart palpitations increased rapidly. He only managed to add a slight bit of pressure before his right hip shifted and he stumbled. The blade involuntarily dragged down across the entirety of Stan’s forearm.

He felt as if he awoke when the adrenaline shot through his body. He wined as he let go of the hobby knife that gave a loud thud as it collided with the tiles of the floor. He stared at the slanted cut in varying depth across his forearm. It gushed out the wound, traveling in lines down the side of his arm.

This was not what he wanted.

He had never before made himself bleed more than a few scratches and the sight of red drops against the bathroom floor made him dizzy all over again.

He moved a few steps without thinking. Quickly he had one of the white towels wrapped around his arm, tied with the help of his mouth and apparent quick survival thinking, though he had no idea how serious the injury was. He jogged quickly towards his room and picked up his abandoned phone.

He stared at the device. He hesitated and mumbled to himself that he had fucked up, made it worse than it was already. He noticed a weird tickling in his arm and by instinct moved it upwards, something about blood flow he thought. He sunk down up against his bed.

He dialed a familiar number.

“Hey, dude what’s up?”

“I fucked up” Stan chocked on his words. “Really, fucked up” He winched in pain as the stinging of his wound started to sink in.

“Are you home?” Kyle asked in a serious tone.

“I’m sorry”

“Answer me Stan, are you home?” Kyle persisted.

“Yes,” He croaked.

Stan heard a bit of background noises and he reminded himself that Kyle had his own life. That this was a disturbance to a normal day.

“Is it alright if Kenny comes too?”

Stan mumbled an approving noise as he put his head back. His head was pounding.

“I’ll be there in a few, hang in there, Stan” Kyle waited until he got another response made up of a confirmation noise before he hung up.

‘shit’ he breathed out, staring at his ceiling. How had it come to his? How had he become everything he swore he wouldn’t? He had done his legs for a reason, hidden the bottle well for a reason, kept himself from smelling like smoke for a reason. And now they all knew. He nodded to himself as he turned his head to look at the bottle by his bed and the open bottom drawer, showing off another. His mouth tasted sickly now but he did not move. He felt so powerless.

He didn’t quite get to gather his thoughts before he heard shuffling downstairs and the adrenalin set back into his body. “shit” he said quietly as the reality of what was about to happen came to him. Another confrontation.

He had no time to hide any evidence before his two friends appeared in his room. Kyle looked out of breath as he was quickly by his side. Kenny carried a medkit. Stan wondered where he had it from.

“I didn’t mean to” Stan started, unpromoted, his throat was rough.

“Bathroom” Kenny stated and Kyle instantly moved to help Stan up. Something Stan did not think he needed but appreciated.

Stan sat on the toilet lid of the room of his wrongdoings. Kyle stood in the doorframe. Kenny placed the medkit. Kenny undid the knot Stan had tied and promptly threw the red-stained towel in the shower. Stan heard Kyle hiss at the sight even though he stood a few steps away. Stan knew he wasn’t a big fan of blood. But Stan even saw Kenny wince.

“Okay, Stan” Kenny looked at Stan directly “we’re going wash the blood off now, it’s started clotting a bit and we want it to be clean” Kenny was calmer than either of the others were comfortable with.

Kenny gently grabbed Stan's arm and moved it under the sink to turn it on. Stan grimaced at the sting.

“Kyle go grab a clean cloth” Kenny stated as if he was a surgeon and Kyle was his nurse.

Kyle returned shortly and moved closer to them than he had before. Kenny patted Stan's arm before analyzing it further and turning to look for something in the medkit. Stan knew they had one themselves but he had no idea where. Maybe that was why Kenny brought his own.

Kyle observed the wound closer and cringed. His foot clanged against the knife on the floor. It was only lightly pecked with blood but its use was obvious and the location suspicious. “Jesus Christ” Kyle stated flat out and Stan flinched.

Kenny turned back around “it doesn’t look deep enough for stitches but I’m going to use some of these for the healing” he held up some butterfly closures and promptly used them to drag the edges of stans wound together.

Kyle was furrowing his brow. “Stan- “He started softly.

The panic rose in Stan. Not this, not confrontation. “I didn’t mean to” He repeated himself.

“There’s a long cut on your arm and bloody knife on the floor, what do you mean you didn’t mean to?” Kyle tensed, crossing his arms tightly.

“I slipped” Stan spoke.

Kyle took a moment to analyze the rigid slanted cut and what it’s intention might have been. “But you intended to hurt yourself” He responded.

Stan lowered his head in guilt. The others did not need an answer.

“We should probably wrap your arm as well,” Kenny said. He nodded. He could hide that better. Not that big white wrappings around his arm wouldn’t be noticeable but at least it wasn’t a clear injury in plain view.

Kenny carefully but effectively wrapped his arm in gauze. “How do you know how to do that?” Stan asked, mind slightly fogging.

“I’ve done this more times than I’d like to admit” He smiled. It was a comforting but hurt smile and it made Stan feel sick to his stomach. He had just added to the pile of shit Kenny had to go through. “This kind of thing happens a lot when you are close to people who do drugs” Kenny added and placed a hand on Stans shoulder.

“Are you lightheaded?” He asked.

Stan nodded.

“Kyle can you go get something to drink and eat from the kitchen? Something like juice or soda would be good” Kenny guided his uneasy friend.

Kenny picked up the tool from the floor and wiped it and where it had landed with the cloth. Stan looked at the bloody towel in the shower. It all felt so surreal.

“We’ll get a trash bag for that later” He tried to solve Stan’s worries.

When Kyle returned up the stairs, the other boys had just returned to Stan's room. Kyle set down the items on the mess of a desk and Stan sat on his bed with his head in his hands.

Kenny retrieved a juice box and patted Stan’s shoulder as to offer him the drink. Stan took it and observed his friends. Kenny was mostly paying attention to him and not much of their surroundings. Kyle, on the other hand, was finally taking in the room. The bottle and the drawer were still out in the open, papers strewed across the floor. Stan observed his knuckles, something Kenny noted, they were red and possibly bruising.

Stan took in the whole situation in a deep breath “Holy shit” he breathed out.

“Holy shit indeed” Kyle answered, furrowing his brow.

“I- wow” Kyle continued as he picked the bottle from the floor and put it on the table.

“It’s worse than you made it out to be dude” Kenny sat next to him on the bed.

Stan looked down on his red shirt and wondered if any blood had gotten on it. “I know”

“You’re drinking” Kyle stated. “Alone” he continued. “In your room” He finished off.

“Yeah” Stan answered.

“You didn’t mention any of this to the doctor” Kenny commented.

“I know”

The room fell silent. Stan set himself up against the wall on his bed. He reached over to the drawer and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, replacing the juice with cigarettes. He offered Kenny one but he didn’t take it. He lit the cigarette as Kyle observed him in concern.

“I think I need to” He took a drag from the cigarette. “Tell my mom”

“I don’t know what but this is just too fucked up right here” He gestured to his room.

Kyle moved towards his bed and took a seat beside him. He leaned up against his side but made sure not to disturb his arm. He looked distraught. “You need to tell her soon”

“I know” Stan looked at his friend, ever so close to him. It felt like solace. Kyle also felt a sort of comfort in physically being there for his friend as he silently finished his cigarette.

“God, I hate this place” Stan pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Me too” Kenny sighed and Kyle nodded.

“Been thinking about taking off like Kevin” Kenny laid himself down across the bed. “Take Karen and maybe Craig along with me or something”

“You’re gonna run away with your ex-boyfriend?” Kyle raised an eyebrow.

“Craig is cool” Stan mumbled. Kyle looked at him, slightly suspicious.

“He is and this town treats everyone who’s cool like shit” Kenny moved his gaze to look at Stan and Kyle. “that’s you too”

“What an honor to be called cool by the one and only Kenny McCormick” Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Craig deserves better, better than whatever I half-assed offered and better than this shithole” Kenny sighed.

“What happened between you two?” Stan asked, curious and happy to not be thinking about what had happened earlier.

“I’m a bad boyfriend candidate is what happened,” Kenny answered.

Kyle and Stan gave him the same look to go on so he did. “We never really agreed we were dating at first we just messed around as I do with people. And some unspoken time we became monogamous but I’m just not dependable in that way. I don’t think I can take care of someone emotionally that way.”

His friends looked at him, surprised he was actually talking about the situation. They’d been pressing on the issue since it came out that they weren’t together anymore and Kenny was saying things they’d never expect to come out of his mouth. Maybe it was the atmosphere and the circumstances that created trust.

“The breakup was so ugly, both of them” Kenny stared at the ceiling.

“you broke up twice?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah, we broke up kinda mutually. Then I fucked around with some girls and he thought I did it to spit in his face which I didn’t but I could see how he thought that. We fought and got back together for a while. He bickered more, I was more distant and we couldn’t really stay anywhere together anymore, his parents resented me and bickered like he did and my place was a mess and he refused to come after he found some of my parent’s stash. One day we just had a really nasty fight and didn’t talk for a long time. We just collectively understood it was over after a while” Kenny rambled.

“Damn dude why didn’t you tell us?” Stan asked.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Stan?” Kenny retorted.

“I guess I was afraid of what you’d think” Stan said more quietly than he had spoken before.

“I was too, you two have barely any experience dating and Craig had some personal issues that I couldn’t and can’t share. It just didn’t work out. I still care about him, that’s what hurts” Kenny turned his head towards his friends.  
Stan could see that he was being genuine, not like the party games or jokes where he had the same joking eyes throughout the whole thing. His eyes were mellow and wetter. He seemed hurt just talking about it.

“Do you talk to him outside of parties?” Kyle asked.

“Not really, I’m not sure if I should”

Kyle nodded slightly. “Maybe he would be okay with being friends if you still care about each other?”

“I think he’d like that” Stan commented. Kenny took the advice to heart.

Stan nudged at Kyle with his elbow. “Anything you wanna get out now since we’re at it?”

“uh” Kyle wondered for a moment.

He then decided to remove his hat and lay down next to stan instead of sitting though still close to him before answering “I don’t want to be a lawyer or whatever my parents think I’m gonna do with all this schoolwork”  
Kenny sat up and Stan looked puzzled. They were both under the impression that Kyle had no issue doing the work his parents expected from him. He had never express displeasure in any of it before now.

“AP calculus can suck my fucking ass” He continued, angrily flipping someone off into the air. Stan snorted and Kenny followed.

“I wanna be free man and I don’t even know what that means” He finished off.

“Well, what do you wanna do?” Stan asked, attempting to console his friend as he did him.

“I don’t know. I don’t think there are any jobs I’m fit for that I’d really enjoy” Kyle started.

“I didn’t mean jobs, what do you wanna do with your time if you’re free?” Stan clarified.

“Oh,” Kyle pondered for a moment. “I want to get a haircut I like I guess” He took a moment to think of anything else. “Revisit more nostalgic things? No, I want to make new things we do together. Some new ritual or something, going to the old abandoned shopping center and smashing bottles every Sunday or some dumb shit.” He thought out loud.

Kenny and Stan chuckled once again “Do you desire to be young? Is that what you’re suggesting? To have fun at the age of 16?” Kenny chuckled.

“Ah shut up, you’re right but shut up” Kyle squinted his eyes at him.

“I would be cool with that” Stan said as he moved his hand closer to Kyle, they fist-bumped and Stan let his arm relax again. He was so close to Kyle’s head. He followed his desire and placed his hand on Kyle's head, on his hair, the hair he wanted to finally change after years of just hiding it away. Kyle seemed startled at first but calmly let his friend touch him.

“Should we visit the doctor and figure out what to do with your mom and all this?” Kyle looked up at Stan who was lightly patting his head.

“Yeah” Stan said. He was calm. He was alright right now but he needed to be alright more often. And he felt maybe this was his wakeup call. He needed to put in the effort or he’d never get to leave this place.

Stan nodded as he made his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly had a lot of fun writing this even though it trails off a bit at the end there  
> I'm having a hard time making the picture thing work so if you're interested I drew Stan from this chapter https://www.instagram.com/p/B-Kzy_6nr-_/


	13. People and their relations to other people

A week passed before Stan talked to Mister Morrison. He helped him write a letter he could give his mom including his phone number if she needed help navigating the system. Holding the note in his hand felt wrong, like it was a suicide note but to his old ways. But he knew he had to eventually. 

He abandoned the note in the bottom drawer. now empty of anything but shirts.

He keeps a low profile at school for a bit and Kyle keeps asking him if he’s talked to his mom. He hasn’t. It feels wrong and he doesn’t want things to change anymore. He says he’s going to soon and he needs more time to prepare himself. 

They’re walking down the hall to get to their next class. Kyle is talking about one of the teachers and some assignments due soon. Craig walks past the two and greets Stan with a vague hand gesture and a nod. Stan does the same.

He walks faster than the others, most likely due to his long legs. But Stan sees him stop, staring into the crowd and towards the lockers where someone stood. Stan and Kyle follow down the same way and finally, Stan sees who Craig is staring at and moving closer to. The hall kept gradually clearing but a few people noted the person Craig was now standing in front of.

Stan pulled on Kyles sleeve; he was still talking. “What?” He exclaimed.

“Tweek is back,” Stan said, furrowing his eyebrows and staring in Tweek and Craig's general direction.

“what the” Kyle muttered. They moved close enough to overhear the conversation, both equally curious to hear about the boy they had recently discussed.

“Hey Craig, it’s been a while” Tweek spoke as he put a hand behind his neck.

Craig stared him in visibly confusion, mouth slightly agape and head tilted to the side. Stan had never seen him express an emotion this way before. His gaze searched his surroundings, attempting to collect some words to answer the boy he hadn’t seen at school in a very, very long time.

“Do you have a tongue piercing?” Tweek said in equal confusion, squinting his eyes and moving his head backward. Craig shut his mouth automatically as he heard Tweek speak. Stan couldn’t exactly pinpoint when Stan had gotten it done but it was somewhere around when he and Kenny started messing around.

“You’re back?” Craig asked, easing up. It had been years since Tweek had been seen in south park so Stan almost expected more of a reaction.

“I am” Tweek answered with a soft smile. He held his one arm with the other. 

“I think… I missed you?” Craig stated, unsure about his own emotions. Tweek had been an important part of his friend group for years so Stan assumed if anything Craig would’ve known he had returned. He probably hadn’t told anyone then.

Tweek who was a tad shorter than average height placed his hand on Craig’s arm, joining them physically closer than Craig and Stan ever had been voluntarily but Craig seemed to accept Tweeks touch as opposed to pretty much anyone else. “I missed you too” 

Craig looked down and up and a few times, seemingly to gather his words again. Stan takes the time to properly look at Tweek. From what he remembered Tweek looked quite a bit less disheveled now. He had only slight eyebags and his hair was voluminous but well-groomed. He wore an open plaid green button-up over a white t-shirt with a print on it. Stan guessed it probably made his old issue of buttoning his buttons wrong easier if it was open.

“Are you doing better then?” Craig asked.

“I am” Stan wasn’t sure what he was referring to. His lack of twitching and other visible anxiety? The fact that there wasn’t a cup of coffee in his hand to make up for lack of sleep? It seemed Tweek knew what he was referring to either way.

Craig nodded as Tweek spoke “how are you? How are… things… going?”. The whole thing seemed extremely awkward and Tweek grabbed the strap of his messenger bag in a tense manner.

“as ever I guess” Craig shrugged.

Kyle took a moment to observe Stan. He was absolutely captured by the scene. Kyle tensed a bit. He didn’t understand Stans reactions or emotions even when he really tried to read him. He had ideas, hunches but nothing clear. Kyle turned to observe the scene in front of them, still tense and unsure.

“What class do you have?” Tweek tried.

“Biology” He stated, back to his monotone self. 

“Is geography close?” Tweek asked with soft eyes.

“Yeah”

“Walk me?”

“Uh sure” Craig walked ahead with a tentative Tweek following.

“What the hell?” Kyle turned to Stan, breaking his focused gaze. Stan shrugged and shook his head.

Kyle looked at his wristwatch. Stan remembered him saving up for it on his own a little while ago. 

“Shit we’re late let’s go” Kyle pulled Stan along by his wrist. Stan felt a sharp feeling on electricity but he had no idea where it came from. Was there an electric charge they triggered? Both boys wondered.

In his next class, Stan gets a text from Kyle. It’s an invitation to take a walk by starks pond after school and Stan accepts it. Kyle had started researching things to help Stan and multiple sources had recommended regularly going on walks and getting fresh air. Kyle had been quite upfront about these intentions when they a few days prior started going on walks together. Kyle also kept up with texting him in the morning and checking up on how he was doing. 

Stan felt better. Better than he did when hurt his arm. He had been touching his lighter to his skin sparsely but his cigarettes more. He didn’t feel like it was worth trying to quit right now. There was too much to think about to be bothered with quitting an addiction at the same time. Kyle helped, helped him feel a little more hopeful when he woke up. Felt like he only needed one cigarette instead of two before he got to school. He was so caring but less paranoid than he had been before. Kenny was the same.   
Still, he was scared to tell his mother. He felt he was starting to improve on his own. He hadn’t drunk since the incident even though there was an itch at the back of his mind to do so. He didn’t have any anyway. Kenny had with his permission taken it all and he hadn’t been to a party or been able to get more since.

He continued thinking about things as he walked around the area of starks pond with Kyle.

It was breezy though they both just wore hoodies over their normal clothes though Stan hadn’t worn anything but long sleeves since he injured himself, he wasn’t ready yet. He didn’t like the idea of the scar and consciously pushed it out of his head. 

Kyle was wearing a sky-blue hoodie with their school mascot. Stan always thought he looked good in it. It lightly hugged his hips and fell loosely at his torso. The sleeves were slightly too long and at rare times like this where he didn’t scrunch up his sleeves but rather pulled them down to shelter from the cold air, you could see they stopped right before his thumb. 

Eventually, they made their way to the bench by the pond. Kyle shuttered as his legs made contact with the bench.

“Why is it so cold? It was sunny this morning.” He scoffed.

Stan shrugged. He wasn’t really that cold, maybe it was because of Kyles thinner frame. 

“So Tweek seems to be back” Kyle commented, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah it’s weird, we apparently have English together, people were staring at him,” Stan answered.

“Wonder where he went, I haven’t heard anyone discuss where he went other than the old rumors.” Kyle continued. 

“Maybe I’ll ask Craig. He didn’t wanna say when I first asked but it might be worth a shot now that he’s back.” Stan said.   
He looked at the pond. A few bugs lingered along the surface and there was a bit of life in the water as well. He seemed to calm him a bit.   
They had a few memories from this place. Most notably to Stan was the time he was a warrior and Kyle a high Jew elf as they had called classified him. It was here they eventually disposed of the stick of truth. In the back of his mind, he had a vague memory of Kyle giving up on him here when he had a period of calling everything shit. But at least Kyle was here now, willingly and voluntarily. 

“Are you close with Craig?” Kyle asked, also looking at the pond.

“I don’t know, I consider him a friend but we’re not nearly as close as us two” Stan answered pointing at the two of them. Kyle had seemed skeptical of their friendship for a while.

“Do you like him?” Kyle hesitated slightly but it didn’t stop him from asking.

“I mean, He’s my friend?” Stan questioned.

Kyle sighed. “Do you have a crush on him?” Kyle turned to look at him.

“Oh, no” Stan looked over at Kyle and chuckled. He knew by the tone that Kyle wasn’t joking around but he couldn’t take it seriously. He was not even remotely interested in the emotionally unavailable Craig Tucker. His tongue piercing was pretty cool though.

“I expected an ‘ew that’s gay’ or something similar but less offensive” Kyle commented.

“I guess, I don’t know” Stan sighed. He wasn’t really sure why he hadn’t but he didn’t really want to.

“So, are you gay or?” Kyle spoke, straight forward as ever. Stan liked it about him though it sometimes made him say things he didn’t quite feel ready saying.

“I don’t know, you seem to think so” Stan chuckled. It was hard to let the words he just said enter his own brain. He felt he had admitted something yet he wasn’t sure so was it really admitting anything? His thoughts jumbled quickly.

“Sorry it was just your interest in him and the time you spend together I guess”

Kyle must have been thinking about it for a while because Stan hadn’t hung out with Craig in a few weeks and all the interaction they’d had since this whole ordeal started was small talk in the halls. Stan missed hanging out with Craig.

“Don’t I do more of that with you?” Stan asked, puzzled. It felt weird referring to the idea of Kyle as a romantic interest yet he had always been close to him and it has been a consistent joke for a little while a few years ago. Kyle wouldn’t be the worst choice either, he was caring, honest and easy to talk to.

“You’re right” Kyle perked up a bit and Stan noticed his red cheeks. The wind was cold and it was very notably on his pale skin.

“Are you gay?” Stan tried, apparently, the idea wasn’t as absurd between them as he’d thought it would be.

“Bi, I think” Kyle tilted his head towards Stan and rested his arms on his legs, leaning a bit forward. 

“Kenny is contagious” Stan chuckled, now realizing that two out of three of their little group seemed to like multiple genders.

“Shit that’s true” Kyle facepalmed. 

“You reminded me of that time you dated Heidi” Stan continued the conversation. 

“Don’t remind me. It’s never a good idea to think you can fix someone in a relationship and especially after they’ve been with Cartman. Should’ve given her some time to process and heal before I courted her.” Kyle spoke. They hadn’t really talked about the situation when it happened since they were just kids back then.

“I don’t blame you; you were head over heels” Stan placed his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, I was. It’s a shame Cartman had to hurt her like that. She’s such a sweet girl.” Kyle sympathized with her fully knowing she now had moved on from whatever trauma he had caused her back then. 

“God, I hate Cartman” Kyle threw his arms out in front of him, clenching his teeth.

“I wish you could move on as easily as her”

“No one moves on from Cartman easily”

The statement lingered for a while as they quietly watched the pond and the small amount of life in it. Stan liked water-based creatures, something he had realized long ago. He thought about them going to the aquarium soon. He thought about the clownfish and squids, the blowfish and cuttlefish and he felt calmer. The idea of being in his element with Kyle made him smile ever so slightly.

Kyle shivered, being unable to hold back as his hands weren’t sheltered anymore. Stan reached his hand out to take his hand between his palms. Kyle was surprised but welcomed the gesture. He mumbled something about it being unfair that Stan was still warm.

Their hands eventually fell to the bench, side to side. Kyle shivered against the cold wood and edges his hand towards Stans. Their hands closed in on each other and Stan let them entangle when Kyle slowly his pressed fingers against Stans to do so. The electric pulse returned to Stan’s chest. He felt a pressure in his throat and he was unable to move his head for a while. He is unaware that Kyle experienced the same.

Stan takes a deep breath, he felt there was something he should say. “Thank you,” He says, not looking at the other boy.

Kyle snaps his head towards him and unwillingly tightens his grip a bit, making Stan internally shudder. “For what?”

“Helping me, I guess? All of what you’ve done, especially lately” Stan formed a few genuine words he most likely wouldn’t be repeating again soon but felt good getting out.

“Always dude” Kyle smiled, genuinely and quite broadly as he looked into his lap. The smile seemed to have a hard time escaping his lips. 

Stan wondered about a lot of things like he had all day. It didn’t stop in Kyle’s comfort. Maybe he’d be okay just like this. He was doing better right? Both Stan and Kyle seemed to think so. Kyle had a harder and harder time asking if Stan had confronted his mom though he knew He would tell him as soon as he did. Maybe it was okay like this. Maybe the scare of that one night was enough. 

Stan attempted to ignore the itch at the back of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure this is in character anymore so uh ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Also if I mix past and present tense it's not on purpose I do it a lot without noticing rip


	14. Addiction

Kyle and Stan parted ways to go their way to their respective residences. They hadn’t talked that much that day. It was Friday. Stan bit his lip, indulging in thoughts he had tried to keep away for hours, ever since he overheard Clyde at lunch discuss that night’s party. 

He wanted to go so bad. He craved being distracted from himself, being around people less focused and tense. He missed the carefree atmosphere and stupid shit they’d get involved in. He missed the rush of winning beer pong. He missed beer, alcohol in larger quantities. He found it morbid, that he missed his hangovers too, the blacked-out thoughts. 

When he entered his house, his mom was there to say hello, she had given up asking about her teens day long ago when neither Stan nor Shelly really showed interest in talking about them. Stan was distracted and quieter in his response than usual with his mother but she paid no mind. 

Reaching his room, he closed the door as usual and less usually closed his door after him. He placed himself on his bed. He felt restless, shaky almost. He tried checking his phone but their big group chat, different from the one with only Kyle and Kenny in it, was just talking about the party. It seemed everyone was going. Wouldn’t they ask why he had missed now two parties in a row? He missed last weeks too; they’d gone to visit the doctor then. He always used to come to every party, no doubt someone would notice his absence. He scrolled through the messages; his urges stayed the same. 

Stan had brought it up at lunch when he had heard it. It was natural to him, almost automatic to suggest going. The expressions on his friend's faces had definitely not supported the idea. Kenny completely refused the idea, giving him a rant about not tempting yourself when you have substance abuse issues, telling a personal story to go with. It seemed neither of his friends was interest in going, something less common for Kenny but not that abnormal from Kyle. Stan thought maybe he had soured their experiences with parties. Kyle had suggested hanging out with him instead but Stan said no, telling them the week had tired him, and maybe he’d rather hang out on Saturday instead. Reluctantly Kyle had let him decide, it wasn’t like he had to hang out with him to stay sober. 

Stan thought about what Kenny said, he didn’t really feel like the words fit him. “Substance abuse” He muttered, the words feeling foreign in his mouth. It was wrong, it wasn’t right. He could stop when he wanted to. He had cut down significantly by now so he could just stop when he wanted. He just liked to drink and when all this depression shit stopped, he could go back to normal. 

With that thought in mind, he turned his attention to his Tumblr account instead. It had before distracting him while indulging in his urges, living through the people on his screen. He knew it felt wrong, he thought about harming and drinking more the more active he was, but he harmed and drank less. At least he felt like he did, maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was the ratio of thoughts to actions that felt less instead.

The graphic images made him think about his arm. He put down his phone to pull up his sleeve, he stared at the white bandages, wondering what it looked like by now underneath. Kenny had advised him to check in regularly to make sure it didn’t get infected but he hadn’t dared to. In the shower, he has just wrapped a bag around it to keep it dry and tried to forget about it. Forget about why his mom couldn’t find one of the towels and why he felt he wouldn’t wear short sleeves for a long time. The thought about the wound winced, like alcohol going down his throat. 

Maybe he was curious enough by now to look. He pulled his sleeve up to his elbow. He had to roll them up less, subconsciously trying to a few times but stopping when his fingers graced the gauze. He noted how it was wrapped around his arm before unwrapping it, it would probably not look as graceful when he put it back on but he could try. 

When he unsheathed his arm, he was met with the same irregular wound. It was nothing compared to what he had just seen on his phone, he thought. He stared at it mindlessly, the stinging of the memory hurt, hurt like downing a shot. Without thinking his fingers were gracing over it, feeling the uneven bumps of the healing wound. It was scabbing but he wasn’t sure if it was in a good way or not. Feeling his fingers so close to an injury felt familiar, like ripping his nails on his thighs. To slowly but carefully he felt how it was to grace his nails over the wound. He felt his skin move with a long injury. He found the edge of one of the sides, started picking at it, ripping up the injury here and there, more and more. He wasn’t really thinking, of the potential risk or the fact that he no cleaning supplies in his room and not that if he rewrapped his arm now it would stain the gauze. 

His actions were halted as his mom called for dinner. He scrambled to hide the medical gauze under his pillow despite his door being unlocked, stared at his lightly bleeding arm for a bit before tugging the dark blue sleeve down over his arm. He went to dinner like that.

A while after dinner he heard his mother tell him goodnight and go to sleep. He could hear his sister listening to music in her room, she rarely ever came out of her room after their mom had gone to sleep, he’d noticed. He kept track of the time, waited 30 minutes until he exited his room.

With Shelly’s loud music his footsteps could barely be heard in the hallway. It was a weekend night so it wasn’t like they weren’t allowed to stay up but Stan wondered how his mother could sleep with the music on, he always stayed up till after she stopped.  
He moved down the hall, past the bathroom, and down the stairs. He moved slowly until he found the cabinet he was looking for. Inside were a couple of bottles, mostly left behind after his mother kicked his dad out. She had become tired of constantly battling both his alcohol issues, constantly shifting focus, and their relationship issues. Now he lived in a shitty apartment in the city. Stan wasn’t sure what he did, the one time he visited they just sat in a park and he assured Stan he would come back. It had been a year and he had yet to. His mom told him he could come back when he had sorted out his priorities.

Stan stared at the bottles for a moment, thinking about his dad but quickly attempting to brush it away. He retrieved a glass from the cabinet as well and a half-empty bottle. Stan had been sneaking a drink every night for a while now. Usually, he’d be drinking his own and in larger amounts than he had the ability to do here. Though the bottles were slowly getting lighter and lighter, when would it be noticeable? Stan had already gotten halfway through one. He wondered if adults remember how much there was in these bottles, wondered if his mom even ever looked in here, or couldn’t bear throwing them out, or maybe she just liked having them for guests. 

He silently poured a drink for himself. He believed at was whiskey but he never paid must attention to the label, he felt uncomfortable about knowing too much. He sat on the kitchen counter with his alcohol next to him, glass in hand. Staring at the liquid for a moment before deciding it was too much not to just down it. So, he did. And then he poured himself another. He had been having headaches and sleeping poorly and this always helped, so why not a little more. He didn’t entertain the thought that the alcohol might be the cause of his symptoms.

And eventually, he had gone halfway through what was left in the bottle. He felt it rush to his head, blurring his thoughts as he liked. Then he sniffled, he had failed to hold back this time. He thought about his dad, his stupid alcoholic dad. Why did he have to be like his dad? What if his mom kicked him out too for this? He couldn’t tell Kyle, not after he had already broken a promise to tell him when he was struggling once. It was too late now. It was all too late.

As fast as he could without causing a ruckus, he placed the dirty glass and bottle back in the cabinet. Usually, he’d drink and clean the glass but now he felt he was in a hurry. He looked at his phone for an address before rushing to get his jacket and exiting his house. 

He had failed so why not go all the way now. He headed to the party. Could it really get any worse?

He arrived at another south park residence lightly tipsy. He met Clyde as soon as he entered.

“Hey dude” He smiled.

“Hey” Stan smiled back, the ambiance of the room entering his body in a rush.

“Oh, Stan didn’t think you were coming,” Token said as he turned around to see who Clyde was talking to.

Stan chuckled, moving past them both into the living room, it was larger than the last house he had been in for a party and only had one floor. He grabbed a drink as soon as he reached them, then sitting next to the table of drinks to observe the room.  
The music was loud as always, bodies swinging back and forth to the beat. He recognized quite a few of them. He picked out the group of some of the more popular girls in the crowd. Wendy, Heidi, Red, and Nichole. Nichole, works at the store of the buildup to his incident, that Nichole. He looked away to take a sip from his drink and therefore didn’t notice the bright red-haired girl approaching him. 

She was wearing a purple sweetheart neck spaghetti strap shirt and high waisted black pants. Her hair was shoulder-length with a fringe. She smiled at Stan as he turned around again. He noted her black septum piercing, it was decorated with a star.

“Wanna dance with us?” She smiled a little more widely, then looking back at the girls and promptly returning her look to Stan with a chuckle.

“Why me?” Stan asked in confusion, looking around and sitting up straight in his seat.

“The other boys have been such a bore tonight and you just arrived, c’mon let’s have fun” She grabbed his wrist on the arm that wasn’t holding his cup. 

Quickly taking another mouthful and putting down his drink on the table, he let her lead him into the crowd. He had to ignore that she grabbed quite hard on his newly irritated arm. He had barely remembered to wrap it again before going downstairs and he knew it wasn’t as secure as it had been before.

He dances with them for a while. It is slightly awkward as the only person he really had talked much with was Wendy but eventually he was handed a drink from one of the other girls. The alcohol eased his mind. 

Heidi was to his left. She wore a magenta flower crown on top of her very long light brown hair. Her green belted dress matched the flowers on her head and flowed as she moved her hips. Stan understood and knew why Kyle used to like her. Nichole was standing to his right. She was wearing wide-legged yellow pants and white shirt with puffed sleeves and her hair was in a crochet braid style. She had her hair changed since the last time he really saw her, at the store.

They looked like they had met up before the party to get ready, having fun, and being happy putting outfits together. And here Stan was among them, wearing the same clothes he did to school, an old blue hoodie with a brown jacket on top. And even would he couldn’t see like his ruffled hair. Suddenly he was very wary of the idea that his eyes were probably sunken in and dead. And the thoughts of looking himself in the mirror before his incident played, his skin was probably equally sallow now. Even Wendy standing in front of him looked nice, his ex-girlfriend dancing in a purple lace top and denim skirt. 

So, he drank more, and Nichole took this as an opportunity to ask him something. “So, Stan do you shave your beard?” She giggled and Wendy gasped as she sent her a death glare.

“I don’t have a beard?” He asked, unclear of why the question was relevant. 

He was then met with laughter and Wendy apologizing to him but also laughing herself. He didn’t get it; he didn’t want to. He just went to get more to drink. 

In the corner on a couch, he saw Bebe and Annie talking on a couch and suddenly he felt weird about the girls. He moved a little further, into the hall and spotted two people he knew.

Tweek and Craig stood up against a wall in the hallway before, speaking to each other. Craig wore a shirt and jacket as usual though his hair looked a bit different, Stan couldn’t exactly explain how. Stan noted how he went to touch his lip as Tweek made him Chuckle. Tweek has his hair tied back into a very disheveled attempt at a man bun, he was wearing a button-up shirt pushed up to his elbows. Stan noted the scattered scars along his forearm and his red nail polish. 

Stan would’ve gone to talk to them but was immediately distracted by the beer pong match happening in the next room and moved quickly. He cheered as some of his classmates hit the last remaining cups on the table. And the rush was back, the smell of booze in his nostrils and the thrill of cheering and wishing to play. 

Therefore when the game ended, he was quite excited to play. He turned around in hopes of maybe asking Craig to play with him. But instead, he was met with the sight Tweek and Craig kissing and holding hands. It reminded Stan of touching Kyle's hand on the bench but he shook the thought off as he was faced with an opponent. Scott Malkinson stood in front of him, prompting Clyde who Stan had not noticed was in the room to start cheering about how Stan was going to win this. It was more likely than not; Scott wasn’t known to hold his alcohol well and Stan thought he was also diabetic and not supposed to be doing this. But then again did Stan have any say in commenting on that when he himself wasn’t supposed to even be here? Either way, Stan played.

Stan played excitedly until he heard a voice in the distance asking where he was. Stan, drunk at this point, turned to look from the hallway into the room where he spotted his super best friend, Kyle, asking a few people if they had seen him. 

“Shit,” Stan said as he bolted from the room to the kitchen. There wasn’t a backdoor like many houses in south park but there was a wide-open window. And so, Stan clumsily stumbled out the window and grazed along the rough tiles underneath him. His sleeves got pushed back and the impact created skin abrasions on his hands to his wrist on his non-injured arm. He quickly stumbled back on his feet and moved around to the front of the building. There he spotted a car Red was entering.

“Hey Red where are you going?” Stan tried to be slick but slurred his words.

“Afterparty, or well we’re treating it like one” She responded as she took a seat in the car. Stan spotted Bebe in the front seat and a driver he did not recognize.

“Can I come with?” Stan asked, a slightly desperate tone in his voice as he looked around to make sure Kyle hadn’t caught up to him.

Red and quickly mumbled something to the other passengers before turning back to Stan. “Come on in,” She said as she moved to the opposite side of the backseat so Stan could get in on the side he was on.

Stan entered the car as quickly as he could and to his relief, they drove immediately. Stan looked back at the building to see Kyle exit in confusion and Stan promptly tried to hide his head.

“So, what’s that all about?” Red asked as she simultaneously seemed to be checking her lip-gloss in a pocket mirror.

“Uh, Kyle and I aren’t on the best terms right now” Stan excused. It wasn’t really true but he was sure it would be when they saw each other again. 

Stan checked his phone just to see and surely, he had about 20 texts from Kyle. He entered the bigger group chat to see as there were also from unread messages. Stan quickly figured out why Kyle had come looking for him, Clyde had sent a picture of him playing beer pong to brag on his behalf because how good it was going. Kyle had then immediately started interrogating him to get the confirmation that this picture was indeed from tonight. It didn’t seem like Kenny was online. Kyle started texting him again as soon as he saw that Stan had seen the messages. He was angry and concerned and Stan could tell.

He put down his phone. He felt guilty but his desire to drink drowned out the thoughts even further. He had already fucked up so much he probably couldn’t get back up from this so why not just go wild, he didn’t know where he was going anyway.  
Most of the trip was a blur as the talked and listening to music in the car. Bebe asked some questions about Kenny and Stan could’ve sworn Red attempted to flirt with him. They split when they got to the "after-party" and he decided it was time to engage in as many drinking games as possible resulting in an interesting game of drunk Jenga. 

As the night went on, he as desired got continuously more intoxicated. He regularly scratched his newly injured hand but nobody really seemed to care much about it. Someone threw up in the kitchen sink and when the number of people attending reduced, a lot of them ended on the sofa or on the floor around it. The snacks depleted quickly and they took up another game. Nobody asked when Stan, extremely intoxicated and almost unable to speak removed his shirt as he somehow got a stripping prompt. Sober Stan would’ve wondered if he had ended up at a more adult party since the parties, he usually went to were a bit more held back in these areas. But drunk Stan didn’t think about the intentions nor the damaged arm, he had tried to forget it all after all. Pretty much no one knew him so why would they even care about some badly wrapped bandage.

Eventually, he blacked out on the couch. He woke up the next day feeling quite sick. There was a girl on the sofa eating a bowl of some leftover snacks though Stan thought he remembered them running out, but then again he barely remembered anything. Next to her was a sleeping man, he looked older than Stan and now that he thought about it so did the woman. They seemed maybe 5 years older than his usual crowd if he was to guess. He groaned.

The girl looked at him, then around the room like she hadn’t noticed him as she kept eating. Stan was annoyed, he didn’t want to be awake with a hangover right now. So, when he spotted the half-empty beer bottle at the side of the couch, he was quick to chug it.

“Woah there, eager are we” the girl chuckled. She looked around the floor and handed him another bottle. She laughed as he drank it.

Stan laid on his back, frustratedly flaring his arms and then noticed the feeling of his bandage. “Ah shit” He mumbled as he held up his arm to look at.

“What is that anyway?” She asked with a mouth full of food.

“Fuck off” He groaned.

“Sorry, touchy subject I see. It’s just not like there’s anything more interesting to gossip about right now. What if I get you some more of this-“She held up the bottle Stan had drunk from “-And then we have a little chat”

Stan groaned again in response.

“Perfect” She perked up as she moved to another room. 

Stan didn’t even want to take in the room. He didn’t want to leave either; he didn’t know where to go. His friends had probably contacted his mom by now or she’d been worried this morning since he hadn’t told her he was even going out. He didn’t want to confront any of it because at this point no matter what he did, he was in trouble. Whether that would be admitting to his friends that he didn’t feel he had the power to give up his addictions or finally telling his mother about the letter in his bottom drawer.  
So, when she came back with what he could describe as minibars worth of alcohol he didn’t mind. She mixed something in a glass but Stan didn’t care enough to look. He had already broken so many rules he knew of, going into foreign cars, to strangers’ places without telling anyone and not keeping track of his own drinks. For all, he knew the ones on the floor could’ve been spiked or just given him a disease. But then again Stan felt maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, maybe it would be easier to just die like that and blame it on teenage drinking culture. Make his death some PSA, Stan felt it might give it more meaning than he could on his own. 

She held the drink out to him and waited until Stan was on his way to grab it before retracting it. “Question first, then drink. Tell me something about that arm, that seems interesting”

Stan sighed, he might as well, who even cared anymore. “It’s from last week” He then sat up and held his arm out to receive the drink. He took a sip of something he had never tasted before; it was fruity but it still had a clear alcohol taste so he didn’t complain.  
“What’s the cause then? If I have to be more specific to get answers from you” She chuckled.

“Accidental” He observed the color of the drink in his glass.

“Well, that’s not exactly what I meant but sure. Who did you come here with anyways? I don’t recognize you” She continued, leaning to put her weight on her hands.

“Someone from my school” Stan looked down as he sipped his drink.

“Mixed crowd last night, I guess it makes sense” She shrugged.

“Do you not usually drink mixed drinks?” She asked as she observed his reactions.

“No” He downed the last of the drink, maybe he would start feeling it soon.

“Still equally eager huh, want another?” She smirked. He nodded

They continued like this for a while as Stan got tipsy again. He learned that she knew the person who lived there. Eventually, Stan told her he didn’t care for going home and she said she figured. Stan doesn’t let her see his arm even when she asks to, maybe she would deem him too unstable to give alcohol or something. He had never gotten drunk this early in the day and that reality slowly crept in on him as other people awoke in the house. 

Stan giggled, he was disoriented and mid-conversation with this girl he didn’t even know the name of. He heard someone talk in the kitchen. It was Red talking to someone, apologizing for having to get picked up.

“Whatever as long as you’re not hurt it’s fine” A familiar voice spoke as Stan saw Craig peak into the room he was in,

“Stan?” Craig moved towards him quickly. Stan flinched, being startled by his quick movements. The girl was startled too but Stan also realized she hadn’t gotten his name either.

“uh” was all Stans now drunk for the second time in less than 24 hours brain could muster.

“Dude” Craig went to grab stans shoulders, looking him in the eye with genuine concern. Stan rarely saw him like this.

“How the fuck-“ He stopped turning around to look at Red who had made her way towards them, she looked a bit rough but probably not as much as Stan. She gave Craig an apologetic look.

“Kyle has been fucking up my shit trying to get ahold of you” Craig stated as he let go of him again.

Stan could only move his eyes between the people in the room. He didn’t know what to say and the state of his brain made his desire to move very low. Craig took in the scene, older girl sitting next to him and a table full of alcoholic beverages.

“Wait are you drinking at noon? With? Who is this?” He exclaims, still keeping a stern concerned look on his usually not very expressive face. He gestures wildly to the girl and she puts up her hands to explain that she is innocent in this situation. 

Craig moves closer to him again but this time Stan manages to scramble backwards to retreat. Craig grabs his arms, quickly observes the broken skin on one and bandages on the other. He then pulls him up from the sofa.

“You’re coming with me” He states. 

Stan squirms in response “fuck off”.

“We’re going to my place until you sober up you shithead” Craig grabs onto him tighter and pulls him along.

“I’m the shithead? You’re shit, you-, you-“ Stan tries. He tries to make Craig angry so he would leave him alone like he often did when he was pissed but he just slurs his words instead. Craig also seemed more determined than Stan had ever seen. These last few weeks really dealt him some opportunities to see Craig from a different angle. 

Craig pulls him further along and Stan stumbles as he tries to keep up with his long steps. Craig gestures for Red to come along in a typical Craig fashion. She goes to grab Stan's jacket and shirt on the couch and hurries along. 

Stan is placed in the backseat and he can only groan. Now he just wants to sleep and never wake up or wake up on a normal Saturday where his friends hadn’t seen him in such a horribly state. Red throws him his stuff and he put his shirt over his torso to cover his body but didn’t care to actually wear it. When they drive Stan can’t stop thinking, thinking about everything that was waiting for him at home. He gripped his hair as he recalls the last time, he took a car trip back to south park in a bad state. He pulled at it and whines. He thought about the last time he fucked up, thought about Kyle and Kenny’s reactions. He thought about how Craig had seen him like this too now, now all his friends had seen him break. He thought about his dad and how horrible it was to be related to him. He wanted to let himself splat out on the road but Craig probably had those child locks on the back seat. 

That’s when he started feeling it tight in his throat, he was holding back a sob. He pulls his legs up to his chest. His brain scatters as tears rush down his cheeks. Everything is blurry and his mind is so foggy. He asks himself if the alcohol is to blame but he can’t focus on an answer. The loose bandages tickle his face as he tried to shelter it with his arms and he angrily ribs off the gauze. He couldn’t feel it mattered right then because his chest was racing at an alarming rate and he choked on his sobs. Nothing was coherent, he wasn’t able to tell if Craig or Red even heard or noticed him.

When they reached Craig's house Stan was empty of energy both mentally and physically. He had trouble walking from the toll his body had taken. Craig helped him into his basement where his room was. Stan crashed on his bed and fell asleep right as he heard Kyle, in distress attempting to talk to Craig.

He again wished to never wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I think about it I think Happy by the Maine inspired the title of this fic, it's on the years-old playlist I made for this fic when I started writing it the first time around, so probably whether that was conscious or subconscious.  
> Also, I use the words "promptly" and "so" a lot huh.
> 
> Oh and tell me if I'm missing any important tags.


	15. Confrontation

Stan awakes to more talking.

“And again, you’re sure you checked him for injuries and made sure he’s sleeping in a position where he won't choke?” He heard vaguely from a few steps away from him, his ears were still adjusting to the waking world.

“Yes,” Kyle spoke.

“Only his arm” Craig sighed in a defeated tone like he repeated this before.

Stan opened his eyes slowly to let his eyes adjust to the brightness of the room. His body still felt defeated. Like he had been deflated and was only half-way filled up again. He rubbed his eyes slowly and shuffled to sit up. When he looked again all the heads in the room had turned towards him.

“Stanley” His mother exclaimed and quickly moved to sit at his side.

“Do you feel sick?” She asked in concern and he shook his head, still dazed from his exhaustion and previous drinking.

His friends moved to stand next to Craig's bed. Craig seemed confused and misplaced but Stan could understand that as he had no previous knowledge of Stan's struggles. Kenny stood with crossed arms, mirroring the concerned look his mom had. Kyle was Standing a step behind Kenny. He was looking down.

His mother held her son towards her chest. Desperately clinging onto her offspring. She embraced him so tight Stan was surprised at her strength. He didn’t have the power to hug her back at first, merely letting his arms dangle behind her. He took in the concerned looks of his boys around him. Looking down at his exposed arm and back up his best friend, he caught Kyle’s eyes. 

And at that moment Kyle seemed to succumb to his emotions. He covered his mouth as a sob escaped his lips. His eyes trembled as well as his hands. Stan thought that if this was a cartoon his tears would’ve spilled down over his hands in a waterfall sort of way. Kenny moved to place a hand on his shoulder and Kyle moved to put his head on Kenny’s chest. He placed his forehead so he could only look down as he still attempted to conceal his sobs with his hands. At that moment all Stan wanted was to comfort him.

Stan's eyes unfocused on the room. He moved his arms to wrap around his mother. 

Sharon held the back of his head in her hand and held onto him like he was 10 once again. She kissed his cheek and pulled back from him, still supporting his neck. 

“We’re going to get you some help Stan, okay?” She spoke somberly, making direct eye contact. He nodded.

He shuffled away from his mom to move a bit further up the bed.

“Kyle?” he spoke his first words, reaching his arm out towards the crying boy that he held so dear.

Kyle turned his head towards him and held back another sob. He stood still in the same spot, observing his best friend. Kyle felt defeated like he’d failed to keep his friend safe as he wanted so badly. Stan was sitting there on Craig’s bed, obviously strained from his self-destructive behavior. His hair was tussled and greasy from sweat, sticking to his forehead. His skin seemed desaturated, his eyes greying and desperate. 

“Please?” Stan spoke again moving his arm a bit further towards his friend. He didn’t know what he wanted for he felt he had brought this upon himself. If only he had let Kyle take him home from that party.

Kyle moved towards him, teary-eyed he placed himself beside Sharon on the bed. But then Stan didn’t know where to touch, where to place the hand that longed for the comfort of his friend and to comfort him as well. Kyle didn’t hesitate to take his hand in his own.

“I was so scared when I couldn’t find you dude” Kyle sniffled, looking Stan in the eyes. “When the others told me, you had been at the party but bolted I didn’t know what to think. I was trying to convince myself that you hadn’t died” Kyle’s eyebrows pushed further together as he looked down at their hands.

Stan looked down at them too. He couldn’t gather any words. He just squeezed Kyle’s hand.

“You… you could’ve gotten so hurt.” Kyle spoke slowly and hoarsely.

Stan wrapped his other hand around their interlocked hands and looked up at Kyle to show him that he understood the severity of his words. He felt horrible. All he had thought of was escaping himself and the hurt he could take on his own. He hadn’t considered how it might’ve affected the people that cared about him. He shouldn’t have assumed they’d have the same tolerance. He had thought Kyle would’ve been so mad by now that he couldn’t have cared less. But here he was crying over his wellbeing. And Stan felt he would have felt the same about Kyle.

“Stan you need to go to rehab” Sharon spoke. Stan nodded not looking towards his mother, it seemed there wasn’t a way out of this that didn’t hurt. 

“You’re going tomorrow at noon” She continued.

A slight surge of adrenalin entered his chest as he thought of staying away from everything he knew to deal with issues he had attempted to avoid. He trembled against Kyle's hand, biting his lip and placing his forehead on Kyle's shoulder. Kyle brushed his thumb over Stan's hands in an attempt to comfort him.

“Stan, I never knew you were going through all this shit but I’ll come to visit you with these morons,” Craig spoke from his side of the room. Stan chuckled in an audibly uncomfortable manner but he appreciated the comment.

“We can help you pack if you want?” Kyle offered but Stan shook his head.

“Hey, I have something for you” Kenny shuffled, plunging his hand into one of the big pockets of his pants. He pulled up a bracelet that he placed on the bed near Stan and Kyle. Stan picked it up with his most free hand and held it to inspect it, still holding his head on Kyle's shoulder. It was a blue and red Kandi bracelet, pony beads in both normal and somewhat see-through variety. “I don’t know if you want to bring it to rehab but I know someone who went to that facility and you’re allowed to… if you want” Kenny continued.

Kyle looked up at Kenny after seeing what he had seen the bracelet for himself. “Was that what you ran to get while he was sleeping?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to pick up a hobby. I didn’t wanna you guys tell until I was little better at it but I wanted Stan to have that before y’know” Kenny seemed uncertain in his statement like he was embarrassed that he couldn’t explain his actions.

“Thank you” Stan spoke hoarsely and with one hand wiggled the bracelet onto his wrist. His damaged arm looked a bit better now. Like a bad quality Christmas tree with homemade decorations. Something familiar to remind him that he may be damaged but not broken. 

They sat there for a while soaking in the experience and comforting Stan. His mom cried a bit at the support of his friends and eventually, they returned home. Shelly was confused when her mother returned with her depleted brother. Their mother told her that they would talk in a bit. 

When he had been returned to his room, he found the letter at the bottom of the drawer for her. He explained it as simply as he could and she assured him she would read it later. She informed him that she had found the bottle in the kitchen and that his friends had told her the rest of the story when he had yet to answer his phone that morning. She asked what he wanted for dinner as it would be his last one home in a bit. He asked for what she was best at. 

She left and returned with a printed-out paper of what he could and could not bring to the rehab center as well as a little info he should know. She embraced him once more and planted a kiss on his head.

Stan used the early hours of the next day packing. It was strange having to pack for such a situation and he found it hard to decide what would be good to bring. But other than his alarm clock and normal ‘sleeping at a different place than home’ items he did not add much. He felt more comfortable with the situation than he thought he would.

He picked up his phone and opened his Tumblr account for one last time. He knew he couldn’t bring it. He considered whether or not he should post something to it and decided to write a simple message informing that he was going to rehab. Maybe one of his 40 followers would appreciate it.

He took one last look at his room before going down the stairs.

Downstairs his mother explained that she was proud and informed him that his friends were out front. There he was met with Kyles parents and little brother as well as Kenny and Craig with their respective younger siblings. Stan had not expected seeing so many people turn up. 

Karen and Tricia stood close to each other because just as their older siblings they were friends. Karen looked concerned as she pulled herself closer to her big brother. She might have turned 12 by now but she still found comfort in Kenny. She earned a soft smile from Stan.

Sharon started speaking with Sheila and Gerald while Stan approached his friends. He held a long sports bag with both hands.

“So, everyone is here” Stan stated his observation.

“Mom and dad wanted to support you and that just means Ike comes along” Kyle shrugged.

“Karen would not let me go without her” Kenny smiled, looking down to his not that much shorter little sister. He ruffled her hair and she pouted.

“And Karen joining means Tricia had to come too” Craig snickered. Tricia glared at him and proceeded to flip him off. Craig responded by flipping her off as well. 

“How are you feeling?” Kyle approached him. 

“Ah dude, I don’t fucking know. Nervous? Weird?” Stan answered in a tone that didn’t express much seriousness.

“Your mom said we couldn’t come tomorrow but we’ll visit the day after” Kenny stated and Craig nodded approvingly 

“You better” Stan stated in an optimistic tone.

Kyle nodded and chuckled. “Fuck dude, come here” He gestured for Stan to give him a hug. And so, Stan let his bag go and embraced his best friend as tightly as he could.

“How long will you be away?” Craig asked.

“If everything goes well it will be 2 weeks inpatient and then a bunch of after treatment” He informed.

“Didn’t you make that bracelet?” Karen asked looking up at her older sibling. Kenny nodded. Stan re-examined the bracelet. He had slept with it on and the rules of the rehab center had stated that you could bring things you wore daily. He must’ve decided it would become a daily thing. 

“I’m bringing it to the center” Stan spoke to Karen but made sure to take a moment to look up at Kenny to thank him with his eyes. Stan smiled at Karen and this time she smiled back. This was probably a better experience than when her mother was forced to go to rehab after her overdose. Or least he hoped so.

Behind him, his sister approached. They hadn’t talked since their mother had explained everything to her. Other than the sympathetic looks she had given him as she had passed his room, she had not expressed her thoughts on the matter.  
He turned to look at her.

“Hey dipshit” She spoke in an almost comforting tone.

“Hey” 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Saying ‘I told you so’ isn’t very appropriate is it?” Shelly questioned.

“What kind of sister would you be if you didn’t?” He snickered. They might not always have the best communication but he understood her mindset in this situation. 

“Right?” She laughed. Stan did too. It felt alright. The anxious pit at the bottom of his stomach felt okay.

“But in all seriousness, I don’t know if you’re scared but you’re gonna be fine. Go get sober.” She smiled. 

Stan knew she wasn’t very good at expressing herself but she meant well. She had never really been good at it, with or without her old braces. At least her anger issues had gone down. The kids she babysat were probably happy about that too. 

“Fuck, I hope so. What a waste of time if I don’t.” Stan spoke. He wasn’t very proud of the comment but escaped his mouth before he got to consider it.

“Are you ready to go Stanley?” His mother saved him the awkwardness. 

“Yes mom” 

“Wait before you go, you better hug me too,” Kenny said as he playfully crossed his arms.

Stan hugged his friend with a grin. Kenny gestured for both Kyle and Craig to join in, though Craig shook his head.

Kenny sent him a judgmental look “C’mon you string bean” 

Craig reluctantly joined the group hug with a groan.

Stan dismantled the hug and snickered. “You didn’t seem to dislike touching Tweek when you made out with him on Friday” 

Craig punched him in the shoulder. “Fuck off, Marsh” He glared. 

“Really? He just got back in town and you’re already all over him?” Kenny laughed. It was quite genuine, easy to tell. 

“Fuck you too McCormick” Craig gave him the finger.

“I’ll leave you and Tweek to that” Kenny chuckled, continuing his genuine smile. 

Craig gritted his teeth. Stan knew he was embarrassed; he didn’t like showing affection in public settings and probably felt flustered to be confronted with the fact. 

Stan found it was nice to see Kenny and Craig getting along outside parties again. He hoped maybe this newly rediscovered romance would kill any old feelings of jealousy in Craig. He hoped his two friends could reconnect while he was gone. He thought that maybe it would all be okay. 

Stan entered the car with some well wishes from Sheila and Gerald. 

He waved out the window to his friends. As they became smaller and smaller in the distance, his anxiety grew bigger and bigger but he felt maybe that was how it was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried reading some of the earlier chapters again and I keep wanting to correct them to fit the direction the story has taken now but at this point, it is what it is


	16. Rehab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to update this I've been dealing with some stuff but I should be back with more soon :)

The first visit passed quite quickly. Stan used most of the time explaining his new routine and most everyone tried to assure each other this was the right choice. It was hard to tell, still too early to really show improvements. But Stan didn’t really complain about it either. Sharon mentioned talking to Randy though she didn’t go into much detail about his reaction to the situation. She seemed frustrated when talking about the conversation they’d had and Stan chose not to press on. 

The next day it’s just his friends visiting and not his mom. Craig comes in a little later than the others. Kenny happily explains that he and Craig have been hanging out more.

Thursday Kyle enters the visiting room first.

Stan spots him and immediately gets excited. He stands up with a smile on his lips ignoring how tired he’d felt lately. Treatment had been extra hard that day, having to more directly confront the reasoning behind his substance abuse and that he would have to confront life without it very soon, but Kyle was there so there was always something to look forward to.

Kyle had a bounce in his step, matching if not doubling Stan’s excitement. He sped up as he met Stan halfway.

They hugged as they had done all the other days but Kyle hugged him just a little tighter, a little firmer. Stan felt his enthusiasm rub off on him and a surge of happiness rushed over his body and got stuck in his throat where he took a very much needed breath and chuckled.

“What’s got you so excited today?” He spoke, though with a softer, fatigued voice.

“I’ve got something to show you!” Kyle exclaimed. Stan observed how his freckles stretched as he smiled broadly. 

Stan guided him to the table he’d been waiting at prior to his entrance. They sat next to each other and turned their chairs to look at each other rather than sitting at each opposite side of the table.

As soon as they sat down Kyle checked to see if Stan was looking at him. When confirmed that that was the case, he quickly yanked at one side of his hat to pull it off of his head.

“I got a haircut” Kyles smile grew wider as though he was absorbing euphoria through the oxygen, he was breathing in.

Stan watched his hair in awe. It had been so many years with the big messily styled curls he could hardly believe that the redhead had gone through with the idea. 

And it fit him too. His hair was less round and messy, less bowl-esque. It was significantly shorter on the sides though nothing to the extent of it being an undercut. It was longer and floppier on top, still sporting the lovely red curls Stan loved so much. But most importantly was the confidence Kyle radiated about his new look. Stan couldn’t help but smile.

He reached a hand out to flop his curls to the side, remembering playing with Kyle's hair the night where he confessed that he desired a new look for his hair.

Kyle blushed; it was obvious. Not only did Stan notice because he knew and understood his mannerisms but it was hard not to notice the hash red tones on such white skin.

“Woah” Stan managed to say.

“Do you like it?” Kyle asked, still as excited as ever.

“It’s sick dude, it fits you really well” Stan spoke, wanting to compliment his friend further but reaching his own limits.

“right? I should’ve done this sooner” Kyle sent another rush of warmth and mutual happiness through Stan once again.

“We all should’ve, we’re all doing what we said we would that night” Stan spoke softly.

“We are” Kyle let his gaze unfocus as he softened his smile, it was more melancholy now though comforting and still warm.

Kyle reached out for Stan's hand much to his surprise. He held his palm against Stans for a moment before interlocking their fingers. “I am so happy we are” He spoke, then moving his gaze to look directly into Stan's eyes.

Stan stared. He let the emotions run over him. The comfort of this both physical and verbal gesture, the genuine happiness of someone he cared for, and the worn-out nature of his current psyche as a direct result of the treatment center and the events in the weeks prior. He looked Kyle in the eyes, feeling them at that moment. He tightened the grip on their hands, cherishing the touch and the contentment as he relaxed into his presence.

He closed his eyes and let the sides of his eyes water. The emotional labor had caught up with him and he could think of no other person he’d rather spend this vulnerable moment around. 

He slowly and quietly cried as Kyle held his hand and when his other visitors had arrived, they’d both willingly parted their physical touch. He talked to his mother about what would happen when he was to start school again.

Friday Kenny is there first. Actually, unusually early. So early in fact that he is sitting on a sofa in the corner of the visiting room before Stan even gets there.

“Hey dude” Stan spoke.

“Hey” 

Kenny moved his jacket from the seat next to him, giving Stan a place to sit down.

“You’re here early”

“Forgot that Kyle has extra classes today so I skipped the last few of my classes, ran out of smokes pretty fast… that and the staff here are pretty nice” Kenny spoke, not expressing himself much through body language nor facial expressions as he’d usually do.

Stan observes him, he’s wearing a loose white tank top and a long necklace. He’s sitting leaned back all the way on the sofa, visibly taking a break from something. He wore two orange Kandi bracelets with one of them having some lettering that Stan couldn’t make out. His arms were bruised, some blue and a few small red dots. On his right wrist was a faded stick and poke of the playboy bunny logo.

“You okay?” Stan spoke.

“Nah, but you don’t need to worry about me right now” Kenny spoke, placing his arms behind his head. 

“Maybe I don’t need to but I’ve learned some things while I’ve been in here and I worry when I see track marks on one of my best friends’ arm” Stan didn’t look at him.

“They’re old” Kenny attempted to oppose. 

“Not all of them” Stan spoke softly. He had seen enough to know.

Kenny was silent as he began tracing the marks on his arm. Then he spoke; “Things have been harder lately, I realized doing this doesn’t help like it used to.”

“What happened?” 

“Kevin lost his job in the city; he can’t send money anymore, mom’s been searching for a new job for a few months too, so I’ve been having to go back some old methods to keep the house. That shit mother fucking building costs more money than its worth to live in.” Kenny kicked his foot against the floor.

Stan gave him a look.

“I’m not selling drugs” Kenny answered.

“Why the drugs then? You always make such a good case against them” Stan spoke, feeling very blunt in his approach but also feeling this had always been the way between them.

“It’s common in my line of work I guess, I wanted to see if it would take the edge off as they say but it just feels like I die every night and wake up the same. I still hate them equally if not more. But aren’t we not supposed to talk about this stuff in visiting hours?” Kenny informed and questioned. 

“We aren’t but are you sure you don’t need a week in here too?” Stan observed their position in the room. They sat quite a bit away from any of the staff as the visiting hours had barely started. 

“I started some hobbies to deal with shit more healthily, I know how to deal with withdrawals and I think I’m pretty sure drugs aren’t for me, whole thing sucks major ass” Kenny shrugged, airing his thoughts. Stan looked at their individual bracelets. Mutual sobriety.

“Promise you’ll tell me if it ever gets out of hand, you’re considering it again or just need some help?” 

“If you promise me the same when you get outta here?” Kenny smirked as their faces for the first time during their conversation, met each other’s gaze. Kenny held out his pinkie finger.

“It’s a deal” Stan joined their pinkie fingers.

“I guess we can both agree from both personal and second-hand experience that substance abuse is shit” Stan stated, referring to their parental figures, themselves, and in the end each other.

“Yeah” Kenny chuckled, regaining a bit of a better mood.

“Speaking of substance abuse, Craig wants to start a band” Kenny snickered.

“Really? That’s the most generic teen movie shit I’ve ever heard and I had no idea that tall ass had any musical abilities” Stan was in disbelief.

“Man, it’s not like we’ll ever do anything with it, it’s just for fun, a hobby you could say. Also, string bean plays bass. Do you still play the guitar?” Kenny inquired. 

Stan thought for a moment. When talking about what would happen when he got out, they had discussed him engaging in hobbies and other healthy coping mechanisms, Stan always had a hard time imagining him practicing anything specific. He remembered him singing in their short-lived band years ago and writing shit about his dad with guitar alone in his room. The memory made him cringe but the idea of making more music didn’t seem unrealistic to him.

“It’s somewhere in my closet. Do you want me to join or something?” Stan curiously questioned. 

“Craig was open to the idea when I brought it up” Kenny shrugged.

“So, is it you or beanpole writing shit? I’m not up for another Crimson Dawn scenario” Stan scoffed, easing into the idea.

“While Crimson Dawn would be great content for our eventual biographical movie, I will be the one writing. You and I both know Craig can’t express himself verbally to save his life” He laughed.

“So, you’re gonna be mister poetic?” Stan chuckled skeptically.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s poetic as long as it’s genuine” Kenny spoke confidently.

“Touché dude” they both nodded.

A tall figure approached them, followed by a shorter frame. 

“What’s up shitheads,” Craig said.

“Just discussing how every inch of growth increased your inability to communicate with words” Kenny smirked playfully while quickly putting on his jacket again.

“As a close childhood friend of Craigs, I would like to say it probably has nothing to with the height” Tweek emerged from behind Craig, chuckling.

Craig let go of his hand “Traitor”

Tweek laughed a bit as he ticced. Looking around the room he became a bit more visibly nervous and grabbed hold of Craig's hand again. 

Craig gave him a questioning look. 

“I just get a little uneasy in places like this you know” Tweek spoke. He ticced again.

“You don’t have to come for my sake if you dislike being here” Stan assured him.

“I might not come that often but I wanted to come at least once and I’d like to get to know you all better” Tweek smiled.

Stan thought it was a nice gesture.

Kyle showed up not long after and they all moved to a table where they talked for a bit.

“Well now that we’re all here I’d like to formally invite you all to Butters dance competition in 2 weeks” Kenny grinned.

“He still goes by Butters? I haven’t seen him in forever.” Tweek spoke. Craig nodded.

“Yeah, I think he was looking into getting it legally changed” Kenny answered, being the one closest to Butters in the group. 

“Sounds good” Kyle spoke.

“Motivation to get out of here on time I guess” Stan shrugged, feeling somewhat uneasy about the idea of not being able to go over the planned time if needed.

“I talked to your mom and you might be able to take the afternoon off some day next week so we can go visit him,” Kenny said.

“They did talk about me taking a day outside, they usually don’t let anyone do that I think it's unique to the type of treatment they’re trying on me or something” Stan shared.

“I think it could be nice” Kyle offered a comforting smile.

“Maybe you’re right” Stan spoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a fight with myself over if Kenny should be the drummer or the singer lmao  
> And when I tell you I had not caught up with south park before I decided to continue this? Shit got Stan in an actual band now like I planned literal years ago? tf I had to reference it :')


	17. Butters teaches dance

“Hey man,” Kenny exclaimed casually at the man standing next to the backdoor before he opened for them with a smile. 

Stan and Kyle reluctantly followed after staring at each other in confusion.

“Do you just know everybody now?” Kyle pressed.

“Nah but I visit Butters often enough to know my way around here” Kenny turned his head towards them. Walking backward he still knew the way to the room they were looking for.

He pressed the heavy white door open and they all slipped quietly into the room

It was filled with children?

“Dude I didn't know Butters taught dance” Stan harshly whispered to his friends.

“Ballet” Kenny corrected. “He’s just a helper right now”

It seemed possible with his past experience in the dance industry, but Stan couldn’t help but think about how hard it was to do with one eye. Butters had lost his left eye to a shuriken back when they were children which Kenny still felt quite bad about. Butters had to go through balance and coordination training after and somehow, he still managed to get this into dance afterward.

At the moment most of the pink dancers were scattered in the room. Some were stretching others seemingly just taking a break either relaxing or getting something to drink.

The guys watched Butters approach a little girl on her phone.

“What are you playing?” He smiled kindly and tilted his head a bit to the side.

“A hello Kitty game” she answered slightly confused.

“Which one?” He smiled wider, visibly getting excited.

“Beauty salon” the side of her lips curled upwards into a slight smile.

“Oh, I prefer the one with the princesses. They have the loveliest little dresses” he was kneeling at eye level with the girl. He smiled genuinely, it piercing through to her eyes and starting a chain reaction. She chuckled.

“I like your hair clip” the girl grinned.

“Thank you” He tucked at his hair. 

It was a white and pink Hello Kitty hair clip that somehow had managed to stay in his hair for the entire time they'd been dancing. Butters’ hair was relatively short, so it didn't serve much of practical service, but he seemed to wear it for aesthetic purposes. Stan wondered if he had gotten it as a present or bought it himself but either option was equally likely. 

Seeing as Butters could seemingly spend an eternity making sure everyone he talked a bit to every one of his students, Kenny stepped a bit more into the room. Looking up Butters noticed the familiar blonde and stood up again. He looked over at an older woman who gave him an approving look. Stan assumed it was the teacher.

“Alright, everybody! I’m going to step out for a bit so we’re extending the break with 5 minutes, remember to relax and have something to drink” He raised his voice cheerily and some of the children smiled at him.

“Let’s go outside,” Butters said as he walked by the boys, he carried a water bottle in one hand with the same motif as his hairclip.

They followed and closed the big doors behind them.

“Hi guys, it’s been a while” He smiled.

Kenny instantly pulled him into a sideways hug. 

“Hey Butters,” Stan said. It had been so long since they’d him and this trial away from the treatment center seemed like the perfect opportunity. Stan always felt that Butters made a room feel lighter and he felt that now as he tried not to think about the freedom of being outside.

“I didn’t know you taught dance, is that what we’re watching when you have your show? Or didn’t you dance solo as well?” Kyle curiously asked, collecting information as always.

“I teach these little lovelies and someone else teaches the boys since they have dance partners. We also teach them together, but we’ve been doing this lately for their more grouped parts of their routines. The one you’re seeing is my solo performance; I can’t risk only living on possibly winning those dance competitions so I was advised to something like this one the side. I really enjoy it.” He explained.

That was right, that was the way Butters had managed to get out of south park so young. Starting another form of dance and practicing hard he’d managed to get a manager who helped him book places to live for competitions around the country. But when the dance season was over, he couldn’t bear going home again. He had become incredibly independent in his time away from his hometown and was anxious about the idea of staying with his parents again. He and his manager had actually found a job for him quite easily with his good reputation in the performance world.

Stan smiled. They all knew how Butters’ parents were and he was happy he’d gotten out of there only to come back at times like holidays which was when they’d usually see him. Stan couldn’t imagine having parents that hated you that much, constantly punishing you for no understandable reason, insulting you for existing, and blaming you for their problems. And that was only what he witnessed not whatever could go on behind closed doors.

“Ah, that makes sense.” The redhead nodded.

“But what you’re seeing isn’t a competition so it’s just going to be one of the pieces I’ve already performed. They asked me to dance and the pay is really good.” He added.

"You seem more than ready” Kenny slapped his back and laughed.

Butters blushed and nodded in surprise.

Looking at his body it was clear he was prepared for that kind of performance. He was still quite short as he’d always been but much more toned than any of the other boys. Most noticeable was the bruises that didn’t seem to exist anymore, his figure suggested he had been eating healthily too.

“I’m just happy you’re happy” Kenny grinned. 

“I am! I really like it here and the kids are very sweet” He put his hand together and almost sprung in excitement. They stood in that atmosphere for a moment.

“I hear you’ve been doing better Stan, is that correct?” Butters tried.

Stan’s eyes widened slightly, he wondered how many knew by now. He wasn’t sure if many at school did, but it had gotten to Butters somehow. Stan concluded it’d probably been Kenny who’d told him and though embarrassed he knew that Butters wouldn’t dare tell a soul. 

He put a hand behind his neck and rubbed it in uneasiness. In doing so let the sleeve of his shirt fall down slightly and revealing the healing wound. It made his heart beat a little harder because even if people at school knew where he’d been spending the last while they probably didn’t know of his injury. It didn’t need to be bandaged anymore so it hadn’t been at the clinic. It was healing, not old but not fresh. Somewhat of a good sign, you might say. 

“Yes, I’m doing better. It seems a lot of what I’ve been afraid of doing is helping. I should get out of rehab soon.” He smiled softly trying to relax his tense shoulders. 

He referred to his events this way because as time went by words associated with his problems became harder and harder to say. Though a word like therapy wouldn’t bother him much, words like depressed or suicidal triggered his thoughts of the events. Saying them had become difficult because he refused to identify with them, they didn’t fit right in his mouth anymore. He thought of his social media account and the words he had used then to express himself.

“Well, that’s just positively good to hear. I hope those dark clouds keep easing on you.” 

Stan decided at that moment that Butters was the sweetest human being he’d ever met. Looking back on their childhood together he didn’t see why they had to target him so much for being nice and innocent. Maybe he’d learned that a rare breed isn’t necessarily a bad one.

“Thank you Butters” He eased with a hesitant smile.

“Also, I heard about what happened with Cartman, he got what he deserves” Butters commented, keeping the conversation going.

“Revived some of my faith in the justice system that he was finally sentenced” Kenny rolled his eyes, keeping his hands in his pockets.

“Fatass? Yeah, in my opinion, he deserves a death sentence for the shit he’s done” Kyle growled. 

“Calm down, he can’t be sentenced to death for robbery and assault” Stan tried.

“-with a deadly weapon, oh and vandalism and disturbing the peace and mentally torturing us for years” Kyle furrowed his brow and shook his head.

“At least he’s in prison for some of his crimes” Butters cheerily attempted to bring peace.

“I just think that-”

Stan placed a hand on Kyle’s shoulder cutting him off. A surge of anxiety was sent through his hand into the redhead. He turned to Stan, he was worried and trying to calm him down.

“Sorry” Kyle mumbled.

“Now, I have to get to dancing again if you don’t mind, I wish we could talk more but my schedule is tight right now. We should go somewhere after my performance.” Butters smiled and the others agreed.

The boys followed him a few steps into the room, to their left they saw a child franticly preparing to dance again obviously fully knowing what Butters entering the room meant.

“Could we stay and watch?” Kenny tried.

“Usually I’d say yes but we have a big show coming up and there are very specific spectator rules, sorry!” He grinned at them before stepping up to his bag by the mirror. 

He assumed the other boys would be leaving on their own, they did.

Stan felt like a microwaved meal, indecisively cold in the middle and comfortable warmth in the first few layers. Maybe he was warming up a bit more than he first thought.

Kenny, Kyle, and Stan travel back to south park and walked around for a while, it felt good to see the familiar streets again. They stumble into Tweek, Craig, Token, and Clyde who seem to have regrouped after years of Tweek’s physical absence. 

They decide to move their conversation to the playground as they’d been showing Tweek what had changed since he’d last lived there. Kenny and Clyde were trying to make each other dizzy on the roundabout and Tweek and Craig were swinging. Kyle was sitting sideways on a spring rider and Stan and Token sat on a bench next to him.

“So where have you been the last while? Tweek was the only one who was able to get information out of Craig. There have been some strange rumors and Red said she saw you at another party drunk but didn’t really give any other details.” Token asked and gestured to Craig who struggling to fit in the seat of the swing.

Stan stopped in thought for a moment and looked up to see Kyle looking worried. It was obvious enough for Token to notice.

“You don’t have to answer I was just curious” He clarified.

“It’s fine” Stan started. “I don’t care that much about the rumors but I hang out with you guys enough, you can know” 

Token looked patient.

“I had to go to rehab”

“oh” Token spoke, no specific tone in his voice.

“alcohol” Stan clarified.

“That explains it”

Stan thought he would’ve felt more nervous about sharing this fact but for some reason, he was not. Maybe he felt comfortable or secure around this group. He didn’t know but he liked that his chest didn’t feel tight.

“Wanna go on those spinny pole things?” Token offered.

“Hell yeah,” Stan grinned.

Kyle went to join Clyde and Kenny on the roundabout where they all eventually ended up. They took turns trying to make it spin fast enough to make the others fall off. Tweek stumbled as he ran and fell, he instantly started giggling. Kyle stood up, almost on instinct to possible help Tweek but had somehow forgotten that the playground equipment was spinning and ended up falling off and landing right next to Tweek who’s shoulder he bonked his head into. 

Disoriented, Kyle started laughing too. And they all laughed as they all eventually stumbled off the roundabout.

They parted a little later and Stan went with Kyle to his house as Kenny had to get to his new part-time job. When they arrived, Sheila congratulated Stan on getting this far in treatment and tells them she has baked them muffins. They brought them upstairs where Kyle gives one to Ike before they returned to his room.

Kyle sat against the wall on his bed eating his muffin and Stan sat in front of him.

“Where did Kenny work?” Stan asked as he realized he doesn’t actually know.

“He didn’t actually say” Kyle furrowed his brow.

“hm”

They sat for a moment.

“Did Kenny tell you about the band idea?” Kyle asked.

“He did, I won’t be writing songs again though”

“So, you’re into the idea?”

“Yeah I think I need a hobby when I get out”

“That’s probably a good idea, I always liked when you played guitar” Kyle smiled softly almost intimately. He started rolling and pushing up his sleeves past his elbows.

“mhm” Stan mumbled has he unapologetically observed Kyle's arms. Stan thought that they were nice, no other way to describe it, or excuse it, he had nice arms. 

“What have you been up to lately?” Stan tried as they had nothing everyday life related to talking about that they’d both understand these days.

“I talked to my mom about the AP classes”

“really?” Stan said surprised, it seemed Kyle was improving too.

“She said it would probably take a while to convince my dad but she understood,” Kyle said.

“That’s sick dude” Stan exclaimed happily.

Kyle responded in a happy tone “I think I wanna be a writer”

“Really?”

“Yes really” Kyle reached his hand out towards Stan and he took it almost naturally into his own. Stan smiled a little wider as he squeezed his hand in support. 

Kyle took his hand to his curly locks to move them out of his face. Once again Stan didn’t mind staring anymore. He followed the shape of the arm and its movement through is beautiful hair. 

“Your hair is so nice man” He spoke.

“You’ve said”

“No like really, you look so confident with it that it makes it better” Stan spoke.

Kyle chuckled letting his lips part a bit for a warm smile. He placed his arms on his bended knees of his parted legs. 

Stan stared at him thinking about the lingering feeling of his hand. He thought maybe it was time for something else, something he longed for. And so, Stan felt nervous as he decided to shift his body. He placed himself in front of Kyle with his back turned to him. He let himself lean back up against his best friend. For a moment he regretted his decision as there was no physical response from Kyle but then he placed his arm over his shoulder and his hand around Stans collarbone where his other arm joined the first. 

Stan heard Kyle breathe in deeply as he relaxed. As they sat Stan felt increasingly weird about not knowing what to do with his hands. They laid on his lap so sloppily and less and less comfortable as time passed. He began fiddling with his sleeve until eventually he was distracted by the forming scar peeking out from behind it. He looks at his other hand with the barely notably old scratches before turning back to the first. He pushed his sleeve up a bit, not minding if Kyle saw. He was ever so aware of how vulnerable this state was but the feeling of Kyle's chest against his back and those nice arms embracing him made him feel secure. So, he traced his fingers along his arms, just staring and not particularly thinking about anything.

Kyle observes him for a bit before speaking “You know when I first asked you about self-harm, I shouldn’t have asked you to show me” It came seemingly out of nowhere.

“It’s okay” Stan answered not thinking much of it.

“No, I’ve been trying to read up on this stuff and it was very disrespectful of me to do” 

“It’s okay, Kyle,” Stan repeated. 

“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for that” Kyle clarified.

“It’s okay” Stan insisted in a softer tone. 

Stan had stopped fidgeting and tried to relax more into Kyle. Kyle placed his head on Stan's shoulder. It felt almost natural as Kyle tightened his grip around him, pulling closer. Kyle had laid his legs flat now and Stan placed and arm on one of his shins. It was relaxing and nice.

“I just want to learn and be there for you” Kyle spoke so honestly that Stan wondered if the situation could get more exposed than it had already become.

“I know, I appreciate it” Stan responded. 

“I just...” Kyle paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath before continuing “I’ve known you for my entire life, couldn’t imagine my life without you”.

Stan turned his body to look him in the eyes “I feel the same” 

“yeah?” Kyle looked so vulnerable with his cautious glance.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us, I’ve had a lot of time to” Stan spoke also being aware of his wording just in case.

Kyle looked him in the eyes and Stan looked back. His glance slowly moved towards his lips and up again. Stan noticed Kyle's eyes moving too. Stan placed arms on either side of Kyle, moving his body to face him. Kyle placed his hand on the back of Stan's neck. The brush of his fingers sent something through Stan's body that he is unable to describe. A strike of courage? Adrenalin? Either way, the feeling rushed over his face and he moved him closer and closer.

And suddenly their lips were touching. It felt right like this softness was the natural state of being. Stan's lungs filled with sparks as he breathed in through his nose. His skin was tingling. His eyes were closed and his cheeks rose as he smiles into the kiss. He felt Kyle smile against as lips in response and his cheeks felt electric, surged right to his heartbeat that was beating so wonderfully fast.

They parted only a moment later and he heard Kyle take a deep shaky breath before he initiated another kiss. Stan felt like this is what he’s supposed to be doing. It was right. The magnetism had never been stronger and he had never felt less compelled to reject it.

They stayed for a bit until they parted again and this time Stan was the one to place his head on the other's shoulder. Kyle hugged him as hard as he could and Stan didn’t hesitate to hug back.

“Stan, will you be my boyfriend?” He asked.

“Yes,” Stan almost shrieked between his breaths of pure dopamine.

Kyle kisses his cheek.

Stan's mother picks him up in the early evening to take him back to rehab. The ‘see you soon’ hug he gets from Kyle feels different this time, more intimate. His mother gets a muffin to take home to her and Shelly. Stan pulled out his phone when he’d waved goodbye to Kyle.

“Might as well use it while you can” His mother commented and he nodded. It was true that they weren’t allowed them at the rehab place and he only had his on him in case of emergency or contacting his mother to get him back to the clinic in case he felt too overwhelmed with the day out of his new routine.

He scrolls through his apps and thinks about his Tumblr account. He taps the icon after checking his mother wasn’t watching him. The last post he didn’t remember writing, he was obviously drunk and ranting about something the night or day that Craig found him. 

The post only had a few notes and he considered making an update to tell them some good news. But instead, he went to his setting and tapped “delete account”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this started as a shipfic, then I decided to cut that out, and now that I'm rewriting, I decided it would be more fun with ships. Style wasn't even my favorite ship when I was deep in the fandom but it was just fun writing for this fic. Crenny and Creek were originally supposed to be the only ships, with Creek being cannon to the show because I like taking cannon elements.   
> Also including other elements, I used to like in fanfics like Craig having piercings. I honestly applaud 14-year old for coming up with a lot of these plot ideas (I’m following most of my old ideas and filling with new chapters to fit them) and wanting to explore the characters differently than I'd read before. Patting myself on the back for that.


	18. Contentment

The weekend after he gets out of rehab his mother hosted a non-alcoholic get together to celebrate. At that point, most people knew where Stan had been as he had given up on dodging the questions a few days after he got out. He was scheduled to see a therapist weekly for the next while and he didn’t seem to mind. The party was held in their backyard and he was happy to see both Kyles parents and Ike there. Even if they had only started dating recently, they had always been close enough to feel like they belonged at events.

His father came too but it wasn’t much of a pleasant experience. He complained there was no liquor as he looked through the cabinets Stan had drunk from before he had runoff. For some reason, he had a hip flask on him and it triggered something intense in Stan. They had a confrontation, lots of shouting about him being an asshole as he shoved his father out the door. Sharon told him to never come back again. Stan felt remorseful yet relieved that he finally got to talk back to his dad. He had whispered under his breath to Kyle that he would rather die than become like his dad. As an afterthought, he felt he might’ve if they hadn’t told his mom after Craig found him but he didn’t like thinking about what would’ve happened in that spiral.

As it became later in the day most of the guests left. It hadn’t been a particularly big gathering and it had been encouraging yet awkward to have so many people congratulate him for issues he knew weren’t fully overcome yet. Kyle said he was staying to help clean up and Tweek convinced Craig they should too. Kenny said he’d come back after he had followed Karen home and Token and Clyde decided to stay too. When Stan's mother was satisfied with their efforts and equally grateful for the amount of Stans friends who were willing to help, they gathered in Stans room.

The sat in a circle on the floor with Kyle having his head on Stans lap and him stroking his hair, his now super best boyfriends’ hair. This was the most public display of affection they had shown since they had decided to start dating so Stan felt a bit nervous as he touched the red locks.

“So, when did that happen?” Clyde startled Stan who is trying to act less stiff so it seemed less out of place what he was doing.

“Last week when I had a day out” He breathed. Kyle chuckled.

“For the record, I saw it coming from a mile away” Kenny smirked as he leans back, shifting the weight of his body to his arms.

“So, did I don’t think you’re a smartass now McCormick” Tweek giggled when Craig gave him a confused look. Tweek knew as well as Stan that Craig did not pick up on social cues well.

Stan seemed endlessly surprised at Tweek’s changes, he was never really truly mean, only jokingly so. Something that at first seemed was Craigs doing but now seems to be too much of a natural part of his vocabulary. He still seems to tic from time to time especially when he’s tired. Though he had his moments he seemed more confident and happier than when they were younger. And as much as they had hung out this last week Stan could only feel that he deserves it. 

“Huh?” Kyle rose from Stan's lap.

“I had a feeling when I saw you around at school and it was confirmed when I visited the clinic” Tweek smiled cheekily.

“You deciphered that in one visit and passively seeing us at school?” Kyle gawked.

Tweek nodded. Craig and Clyde exchanged mutually baffled glances, as they did indeed have their social blindness in common.

“Could’ve told me, would’ve solved some confusion” Stan commented. 

Token laughed “This group is so gay”.

“You and Clyde can have some straight solidarity” Kenny commented, they were indeed the only heterosexuals.

“Hell yeah,” Clyde exclaims as he punches up into the air. “But you dig chicks too Kenny, don’t you?”

“Yeah I’m single I can pretend I’m fully straight for you for a sec if you wanna talk about ladies” 

“Well I have been interested in Bebe lately” Clyde spoke.

“Yeah like you have since kindergarten,” Craig said and snorted. 

“Yeah and as always she’s after dudes like Kenny. I can never win” Clyde moped.

“Really? Shit” Kenny seemed flustered. 

Token shook his head in disappointment and Clyde took the opportunity: “Tokens been eyeing Heidi for like a month” Clyde cackled.

“What? No” Tokens brows pushed together as he glared at the boy sitting beside him. Stan couldn’t tell if he was flustered or baffled, or maybe both.

“It feels so weird to be back sometimes, the last thing I remember was Cartman and Heidi dating. What happened to Cartman anyways?” Tweek questioned the room.

Stan immediately felt his chest tighten as he looks to find an already slightly heated Kyle beside him. He grabbed his hand, attempting to calm him down.

“Is it really as bad as it seems? I don’t particularly have good cartman memories but we were kids then” Tweek looked a bit saddened.

“I’ll tell you what happened with Fatass” Kyle retrieved his hand from Stans grasp. “He thought it would be cool to threaten and manipulate us into thinking it was a good idea to rob the convenience store, stab the cashier in the shoulder and blame me for it. That anti-Semitic fucker tried to blame it on me being Jewish and greedy. He’s in jail and I hope he’s rotting there and that the cop he tried to attack pays him routine visits” Kyle almost frothed the words out and pointed a little more aggressively than he means to.

Stan breathed a little harder. He didn’t like thinking about Cartman nor did he like to see Kyle this way, a type of anger only Cartman could bring out in him. Stan thought it might be genuinely hatred. Kyle settled back and through his gritted were teeth still manages to apologetically squeeze Stan's hand.

“Oh damn,” Tweek responded, a little visibly shaken from the, what was almost yelling Kyle did. Craig gestures for him to sit so he can hug him from behind as a type of physical comfort. 

“It fucked with our whole group for a while” Kenny added.

Stan remembered the tension between them like it was yesterday. Something that in hindsight was probably quite traumatic. Undoing the mind games of a boy that could be so manipulative even at their age was harder than they had convinced he people around them and they rarely talked about it with one another.

“And obviously we’re not friends with him anymore” Stan spoke firmly. He looked at Tweek apologetically and he earned a nod. 

“I wouldn’t either” Tweek spoke. He seemed to tic a little more frequently than what his energy levels were the cause of.

“Wanna share some other things you’ve noticed from when you used to live here before?” Token asked, trying to change the focus of the conversation. 

“The shopping center is abandoned and the school feels smaller. People seem a little crazier but I think that’s more a growing up realization than moving away” Tweek answered. Stan could relate to realizing that their little town was a more off than you realize as a child.

“What about how people look? I probably wouldn’t have expected Scott Malkinson to look like THAT now” Kenny then chuckled. 

Stan could admit that the direction that boy had taken wasn’t exactly predictable. His hair was bleached blonde recently and he looked a lot more mainstream and, in that sense, more conventionally attractive than his child self, but maybe that was to be expected of children.

“I saw a few pictures and I mean everyone got older so it makes sense. Though Craig got a tongue piercing and didn’t tell me and I haven’t gotten over that.” Tweek stared and then turned to look at Craig. 

Craig looked embarrassed as he kept his mouth shut.

“Didn’t you get that while we were dating?” Kenny asked.

Craig nods slowly. “Oh my god, Kenny! I don’t know if I should tell you that you’re a good or bad influence” Tweek exclaimed.

“What did your parents say? I’m guessing we have parents who don’t like piercings in common and I’ve been thinking about getting one.” Kyle inquired as he had calmed down.

“They still hate me for it. Mom called me a whore and dad called me a libtard.” Craig looked weirdly relaxed as he spoke, Stan noted.

“Well my parents probably wouldn’t be that confrontational but as I’m already not becoming a lawyer like my dad, maybe getting my nose pierced so close to announcing it would be playing with fire” Kyle said.

“I can do it for like five dollars” Kenny offered. Kyle shook his head.

“Where have you been all this time anyway?” Stan asked and looked at Tweek.

“Well, I’ve been at a sort of a clinic too” Tweek gave him a soft look before he moved to look at the floor. “I mean I can’t really hide that I was a really paranoid and anxious child. I went to a clinic in the city and stayed there for some outpatient programs and eventually kinda moved there. My therapist thought it was good that I wasn’t completely against coming back and that it showed progress from my old self.”

“Hm. That does make sense. My therapist kinda supports the idea of me moving away haha” Stan spoke. He felt comfortable for reasons he couldn’t particularly pinpoint but maybe it was something with Tweek understanding an unhealthy mindset.

“Well it was still nerve-wracking to come back I was afraid I’d start bad habits again” Stan could only relate and think back to his escapism to the city. “I hadn’t scratched and picked at myself from anxiety in so long and I’m still kinda surprised I didn’t” Could he hit closer to home? Stan felt a sense of rush and security in the statements. 

“You hurt yourself?” Stan looked at the boy sitting opposite to him. He felt slight tunnel vision and leaned a little more forward, wishing to connect. Relating to the words felt good, he could… talk about this?

“Yeah” Tweek brushed over his arm and sure enough, if you looked for them there were scars.

Stan looked away for a moment before letting the courage drain to his words. “Me too”

Kyle grabbed at his shoulder, seemingly maybe supportive of him sharing and he felt Kenny’s look on him, probably feeling the same. Tweek looked at him surprisingly. Stan asked himself if it was okay to bond over this. He remembers the people from old account but this was different, they were friends before and found mutual pain. It felt different. 

Stan nodded to himself “I think you’ve all noticed my arm at this point?” Stan questioned the room and he only observed those he knew didn’t know of its origin. “Yeah I haven’t really done anything since”

“That’s still really good though, it took me a while to get fully clean when I started trying” Tweek smiled. The gesture made stan feel blissful and encouraged.

“I don’t know how to help but I will if you want me to” Token spoke. 

“Me too that shit must hurt” Clyde budded in.

“Yeah, we’re all here for you dude” Kenny spoke.

Stan could see Craig nod and felt Kyle squeezed his shoulder again. The support felt nice.

Kyle decides to sleep over and ends up spending most of the weekend there. They play games, watch movies, and sleep on the floor as they always do. This time they’re just a little closer. Bodies entangled when they sleep and small cheek kisses when any of them felt like it during the particularly boring part of movies or as distractions when they played against each other.

On Sunday they wandered off to do another thing on Kyles little bucket list.

They reached the abandoned mall with a bag full of glass bottles they had been given from a party on that Friday. Kyle felt maybe smashing the alcoholic ones would be more therapeutic for Stan and getting a big amount of them was also just easier.  
Much to their dismay, it wasn’t exactly pleasant inside the abandoned building and the few homeless people there asked not to be disturbed. They start by trying to place the bottles on an old shopping cart in the parking lot. One wheel was broken made was an awkwardly tilted platform. 

Smashing them wasn’t exactly easy so Stan took the first step, pulled a flask from the bag, and threw it as hard as he could at the wall a little further away from him. 

“Shit dude, warn me first” Kyle shrieked.

“Sorry but woo! that feels good” Stan exclaims in excitement. 

Kyle’s glass flask splintered on the low part of the wall and the green shards smashed into the ground.

Stan directed his next bottle more at the ground and couldn’t help but laugh. His hands were sticky from the alcohol residue.

“How’s the band thing going?” Kyle asked.

“Pretty good, Kenny is weirdly good at writing songs that fit a style we can play and Craig plays well. I just haven’t had much time to practice” Stan throws another bottle.

“Are those two getting along well in practice too?” Kyle asked, obviously knowing they had been on good terms for a little while by then.

“Hell, yeah dude it’s so good to see” Stan then smiled, it was really good to see two friends get along again.

Kyle retrieved two identical beer bottles and handed one to Stan “Let’s throw them at the same time” Pieces of the bottles collided on the wall as Kyles flask slid down to meet Stans.

Stan picked up another which dripped on him as a significant drop of liquid left. He smashed the bottle even harder than the others as the smell hit him.

“I’m gonna smell of beer when I get home and my mom’s gonna be pissed” He spoke, he thought of the breathalyzer his mom had conveniently acquired upon his arrival home. 

“Ah fuck didn’t think of that, I can vouch or you though” Kyle answered.

“Thanks, this is indeed therapeutic,” Stan said, proving Kyles hypothesis right.

“Good” Kyle threw another bottle.

“But you know I’ll be there for you too even if you smell like beer for other reasons” He continued.

Stan turned to look at him. 

“Even if you feel okay right now, I’ll be there even if you relapse okay? It’s just about getting back on track again and I’ll be here to help if that happens. We’ll always figure shit out, okay?” Kyle spoke.

“Dude” Stan approached him slowly. He looked down on his shorter boyfriend, cupped his pretty freckled face, and let their lips meet. It was soft like nothing that could be compared to fruits or textures, it was soft like his lover’s lips and it felt like home.   
It was true he hadn’t done anything since rehab but he had been told relapsing was normal and he was still scared of backtracking completely. His desires hadn’t completely disappeared but for right now they felt manageable. He had to figure out some solutions for other things like being with his classmates without drinking and actually texting Kyle before things got so bad, he couldn’t handle himself. It felt good to know his friends and so many people wanted good for him and supported his recovery even if his dad was still an asshole.

And despite the turbulence of his thoughts, Stan thought he would probably never feel more contentment than standing there in the parking lot with his lips on Kyles and nothing but a scar and a few pieces of shattered glass in his shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic is done :)  
> I'm really proud that I finished and to everyone who has complimented my writing so far: thank you so much it's very encouraging! I wanna do storytelling professionally eventually and seeing the comments make me really happy. I keep thinking about if I got famous and people we're sharing that I used to write fanfics as a fun fact on twitter lmao  
> As it stands right now I know this story is nowhere near perfect and I'd change a lot of it if I didn't update this regularly like deleting certain things and keeping more details consistent in the earlier parts but it is what it is
> 
> I'm assuming this fic will get more attention when I mark it as finished so thank you to anyone who has read to the end here  
> I'll be working on more fics as well they just probably won't be south park :)


End file.
